Well first things first, the per functionary welcome. So welcome. Now we have the formalities out of the way, let’s begin.
This is a blog, specifically a rant blog. So of you like all things ranty, you’ve found a safe place! Safe being a relative term I guess. I originally wanted to title this blog “Things that irritated me enough to get up this morning”. Then I realised irritated or not I can post from the comfort of my bed, so it would be slightly misleading. We can’t have that, starting off on the wrong foot is hard to recover from. This I know. You know the brain to mouth filter? I didn’t inherit one. Makes for interesting times. Interesting of course is the kind word for it.
So I guess a you’re wondering who I am? That can be found in the FAQ section. Well if I had one, which I don’t. The problem with frequently asked questions is you actually need to answer them. So that’s an issue. I’m happy to have a FAQ that go unanswered section. That reader I will leave up to you. See? I am amenable when I want to be. Though generally this is only when I’m not hungry. If I’m hungry, unless you’re some carb laden goodness, we can’t be friends. This is a temporary glitch which I’m happy to own. I’ll save the low carb rant for another day, it’s worth the wait.
So I guess a lot of you are wondering why a blog with the word bark and bite in the title has Grumpy Cat as their main picture. Well let me tell you that cat has a way about him I just adore. He, in one glance, can sum up perfectly how I feel about a lot of people a lot of the time. In ONE look. That’s impressive! So much so I decided a wonderful addition to my life would be my very own Grumpy Cat. I could just whip her out as needed. Now see this is where the real problem starts. My Grumpy Cat? Sweetest little white fluff ball you will ever meet. Totally social, very loving and addicted to all types of human affection. I blame the breeder, who breeds a not grumpy Grumpy Cat? Someone who doesn’t respect the pure genius that is Grumpy Cat, that’s who! Some would call her a good breeder, I call her a dream smasher!
So my white little ball of fluff, follows me everywhere. Talks to me constantly. Wants to sit in my lap and shower me with love. She wants to sit on my keyboard and not to chase the damn mouse like normal cats do. Oh no. She just wants to be close. In fact, I’m convinced she is now permanently attached to me by a half inch invisible string. Well at the times she’s actually not physically attached to me.
I’ve yet to get one look of disdain, a slightly raised eyebrow or even a WTF look. Trust me I’ve tried. Humanely of course. Nothing put pure adoration and affection. Even when I tell her off for trying to eat my food. No one eats my food. Rule, the end. Not even craptastically happy Ms GC!
She’s nothing but love, which most people would love. Me? Not so much so. Maybe I’m damaged, my mother didn’t hug me enough or some other deeply imbedded psychological excuse I could dig up because if it’s convenient. Let’s face it, those gems are gold. But I digress.
If I wanted constant annoying bids for my attention, snuggles and licks I’d have gotten a dog. Cats are supposed to be aloof and independent, I’m certain of this, I read it on the internet somewhere. Mistake right there, since when does the internet tell you the truth? Again, another rant for another day.
So I have this almost Xanax happy “Grumpy Cat” who follows me around all day. Honestly?! It makes ME grumpy…. Like really grumpy. Take THE Grumpy Cat on his worst day and that’s about a 100th of what I feel. Grumpy Cat, you sell out! Your’e a bastard for your false advertising and spectacularly grumpy ways. I hate you as much as you hate the world!
As for my “Grumpy Cat”…. Yeah I got grumpy, not the cat. All I can say is, well played cat, well played. I’m sure under it all she’s an evil genius and licks her claws after she’s sharpened them on my favorite shoes… While I’m sleeping of course.
If you “awwed” or “ohhhed” even internally at this picture, this place became just a little less safe for you!