Rants

Love, Hate And Don't Get It Celebs

Ok MrBmB isn’t going to divorce me over second kitten, so sorry fella’s I’m still off the market…. And unhinged. So nothing has changed. Thinking of calling him Zeus. Cause a Zeus and a Magnus seem to be a good name match for a cat and bird! Or Bosco. Just cause. Wondering if walking around yelling out “hey Zeus” is as funny as it seems to be in my head!

I was going to write a bit about the new iPhone 6 but at the moment the best I can come up with is “it’s like Apple built a Samsung sized phone”. Mainly due to size. The plus HAS to be just an iPad mini you can use as a phone. Cause if this fucker seems huge, then I can’t imagine a bigger version! My phone pockets of my designer bags are screaming “you wanna stick that fucking huge thing where?Feature wise? Meh, it’s a little fucken lacking as far as what I expected. It really is just a bigger 5 that has apps that are better suited to your iPad (Pages is an example and a version of PowerPoint. Basically you have Microsoft Office on your phone).

So yeah it’s bigger, that’s the extent of the review. Would I go on another 48 hours no sleep bender if I could have a do over? Absofuckingloutly… It might not have made much of an impression but at least I have an impression. It might have some more handy things I’ve yet to discover yet, will keep you updated.

Ohh I literally just discovered you can answer a text mid doing something else, without having switch screens. That’s cool. So liking more. See need to discover the new features as they pop up, literally, cause I’m far too lazy to look them up.

Anyways because I’m having Master 3’s Birthday Party today and need to prepare for that, this is a list of my top 12 hated, loved and I don’t why they are famous celebrities. In no particular order.

HATED.

1. Taylor Swift – annoying slutty bitch. I wish she’d shake it off the edge of a cliff.

2. Lea Michele – diva, limited talent and profited off milking the death of the “love of her life” and spent anniversary of it with new boyfriend away on holiday. Classy.

3. Shia LaBeouf – Asshat

4. Rhianna – diva, slutty cunt.

5. Mark Zuckerberg and all FB cunts – obvious reasons already mentioned.

6. Tom Cruise – Scientology? Oh please.

7. Brangelina – just fucking irritating and all the selfless charitable acts they make money off. See no such thing as a selfless act post for more detail.

8. Miley Cyrus/ Paris Hilton/ Lindsay Lohan / Any Kardashian / Kendra / Nicole Richie / Kelly Ozbourne and “those” types – they are stupid.

9. Jenny McCarthy – so many fucking levels. Stupid. Immunisation scare mongering and the way she devalues the ASD community by saying she “cured her sons autism”. You mean he was misdiagnosed?!

10. Justin Bieber – complete twat.

11. Kristen Stewart – resting bitch face syndrome and Twilight. She looks like a right miserable bitch!

12. Robert Pattinson – not good-looking, face like a smashed crab, bad actor and Twilight.

Honorable mention’s go to
John Mayer – some of his music is great. He’s a douche bag.

Also Gwyneth Paltrow and Natalie Portman because they are so pretentious.

There are actually loads more I could add but they were the ones who sprang to mind first. It’s mainly women I realise but male celebrities seem to fly under my bitch radar.

LOVED.

1. Zach Braff – Scrubs, hilarious and seems like a good guy. I’m told he is as well.

2. Louis Theroux – love his documentaries and his goofy way.

3. Matt Damon – he helped write Good Will Hunting. Told he’s a good guy. Affleck I pretend had nothing to do with GWH.

4. Russell Brand – don’t agree with a lot of the shit that comes out of his mouth but man that dude is smart! Gotta love the “not stupids”

5. Adam Levine/ Cee Lo / Will.i.Am – great judges on Voice. Also because Adam is hot, Cee Lo cause he’s so random and Will.I.Am all the quirks make him great!

6. Robert Downey Jr – just totally swag.

7. JLaw – ok actress. Silver Linings Playbook she was brilliant and her interviews are ALWAYS crazy and off the wall. Never fails to amuse.

8. Simon Cowell – well cause he’s a bastard and not afraid to show it!

9. The Bloggess – best blogger ever.

10. Zach Galifianakis – between two ferns is fucking brilliant . Hilarious guy.

11. Jim Parsons/Hugh Lawrie – Sheldon Cooper one of the funniest characters ever. House fantastic characters. Both act amazingly.

12. Will Wheaton – all round good guy. The “nerd speech” was epic!

Honorable mention to Peter Capldi for making Dr Who watchable! Also Robbie Willams because I’ve met him when working in a hotel in the UK. Nicest guy and didn’t act like a bastard at all.

Along those lines. Anyone else Remember that shoe “Monkey Magic”…. Everyone remembers it but has no damn clue what it was. Re watched an episode awhile ago. Wow! Totally blew my mind. Made zero sense and I was obsessed with it as a kid!

 

DON’T GET!

1. Beyoncé – she can sing but where is s personality? Yawn. Plus being called out in skinny app’ing her photos? Gold

2. Miranda Kerr – just a pretty face.

3. Orlando Bloom – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a move with him in it and I remember him being in it.

4. Chris Heamsworth – ok actor. I think his popularity is based on his physique in Thor.

5. Cameron Diaz – just don’t get it. I don’t rate her on any level.

6. Jessica Alba – See above

7. Mila Kunis – again see above.

8. Ashton Kutcher – just seems like big kid and nothing more.

9. Jennifer Aniston – nothing to do with Brandgelina. Just dull.

10. Jessica Beil & Justin Timberlake – again just really dull.

11. Kate Middelton – seems ok but don’t get the adoration.

12. Hugh Grant – don’t get it. All I see is floppy hair.

Honourable mentions go to Ryan Gosling, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Garner, Nicole Kidman and Leonardo DiCaprio. I’m sure I forgot somebody in there that rates highly, the irony.

Jude Law, it’s Jude law.

 

That’s all folks!

 

Everyone Needs A Friend

blue bi colour male

So I’m sitting here plotting, trying to manipulate and even coerce MrBmB into getting Elliot, otherwise known as The Genius Grumpy Cat, a playmate. See I think she misses her litter mates terribly, she misses the kitten interaction and this is whats making her all types of neurotic. Or maybe she is neurotic normally and hell all of us neurotic people know there is nothing better in life than playing with people who are just as neurotic as you are. Who the fuck am I not to provide her with that absolute glory in life? Now MrBmB is dead set against this idea, he thinks that one kitten is enough. But since Elliot has a major cat boner for him, I think it’s really just because he is sick of being smooched all over. Big fat fucking deal, this cat might just love me more! Did you ever think of that MrImSoSpecial? So while he is busy saying NO, I’m busy setting up the deal with the breeder we got Elliot from, because let’s face it other than the neurotics, she is a pretty awesome cat. Was litter box trained and everything. Plus we have a king sized bed, big enough for me and two cats if MrBmB follows through on the divorce threats. Ha! Like he ever would, I threaten him with sole custody of the 4 spawn and that puts an end to that. Plus I have boobs, so I win, it

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Speaking of new friends, my shiny GOLD iPhone 6 just arrived at the door. Well when I say arrived at the door I mean I ran out to the carrier and pretty much crash tackled him for it. Ohh “I haven’t got you in the system proper”… I don’t care fucker hand over the phone or we are wrestling to the death and I KNOW you have a truck full of other iPhones in there, so odds on I’m fighting to win. Which means I’m not fighting fair. I want the da,n phone, give it to me. Ok problem solved, phone opened and then I realise I haven’t backed up my old phone in AGES and I need to do this before I can even start playing with my new phone. Fuck, I really have the dumbs. Why didn’t I do this last night? I’m an idiot and now I have no one to blame but myself for the 30 minute wait I’m going to have to endure before I can actually play with it. Fuckity, fuckity, fuck.

What I will say is it’s  bigger than I thought it would be, and it’s NOT the plus version.  That thing is basically just going to be a tablet that acts as a phone. After seeing the size of this one, I’m certain I made the right call not to go with the plus for personal phone. The other fucker, while might not get lost as easily, would for sure stretch all the pockets in my designer bags and we can’t have that! So this size will do. OMG, did I mention it’s FINALLY here, its gold and the epic 48 hour no sleep bender was totally worth it?

So short post today, I have kittens to sell to MrBmB and a phone to play with… so long suckers!

Also that’s why minimal…. I’m suer you will get an update ON the phone and about Mr New Grumpy cat tonight… And my marriage status. If I’m available I’ll let you send in head shots and we can go from there!

Dear Twitter Hacker.

teitter numbers

Today I want to say a giant FUCK YOU to whomever, or whatever thought it would be hilarious to hack my Twitter account. Because waking up to all sorts of spam, even the pornographic kind, are just a little hard to stomach without my initial coffee IV infusion. Even more frustrating is the fact I had to wait several fucking hours to fix this issue because I actually have a life. I need to feed, cloth, get kids ready for school and drive them fucking there and then drive home again. So it had to get put on the back burner.

So I stewed for a good 4 fucking hours on this. All the time the spammer keeps spamming my account. First thing I did, since such spamming like this, when I checked the spam ads, ISN’T free is check my PayPal account.

Now I KNOW who it is, I had some very suspicious transactions on my PayPal, so disputed them. Of course I rang first thing and it’s all been sorted but the damage is fucking done. While I have the $700, yeah you read that right, $700 of my money they took back, my Twitter account and followers have paid the price. I’ve coped all types of abuse from aggravated followers because they were not only spamming ON my page but also IN messages. If I was them I’d be fucking angry too. Actually the clue should have been that I’d been receiving spamming messages, but I just chalked that down to assclowns buying Twitter followers and this being part of the price they paid and thus as having them on my list, I had to bend over and take up the ass cause I didn’t know whom was who. No I didn’t report them, maybe I should have, but I figured if you’re desperate enough to buy twitter followers AND spend money that dobbing you in would just be plain mean of me, there are already issues there. I’m not going to add to them. Each to their own.

Now I realise that they might have been hacked, just as I was, and I’m glad I didn’t report. I would fucking hate to have someone’s Twitter suspended or deleted because of some evil hacker cunt. That would suck big fat hairy ones. So I’m glad I at least ignored them, now I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. But please all out there check your twitter, secure it, look at the apps that have access to it and stop these bastards in their tracks. I’d also change all PayPal passwords or at least make sure they aren’t the same. Stupid me has had to change my Twitter password so many times, I reused the same password, so more fool me. Stupid! I own that one.

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One of the hackers I managed to track down, via PayPal and the huge fucking sum of money he took from me is VERY angry. Threatening all types of things, like having my account suspended and saying I committed fraud for reporting transactions for getting MY money back for transactions I didn’t authorise and never would.

Since I didn’t authorise these transactions in the first place he can shove his tirade up his fucking ass! Now he might have been wronged too, maybe someone hacked my PP as well, and put the funds into his account, but that seems fucking unlikely. Unless there is someone out there who thought that actually hacking my PP would go unnoticed and that this guy really thinks he provided me with a service “I paid for” of adding me followers. How many times do I say I’m not here to be liked or popular? They obviously didn’t read my blog. If that’s the case, then yes I feel bad for him too, but be fucked if he’s keeping money that I didn’t authorise to send to him. Let him work out, along with PP who the real problem lays with. That’s what they are fucking for, but we all know PP are useless and all they care about at the end of the day it THEIR profits and not protecting the consumer. So I think it’s safe to say that nothing will get done. So now I have a fucking account deletion hanging over my head, that I did nothing to fucking cause and all I do is waiting to see if Twitter are reasonable if/when my account gets suspended. Though since I have ZERO faith in the people who run all these kinds of websites, the chances of this turning out good is slim to none.

So a huge fucking thank you to whomever the cunt was that hacked everything. I’m not even sure how it’s possible, I wouldn’t have thought so, but people always prove me wrong in the most fucking epic way. I ALWAYS underestimate the amount of cunts there are out there and how they just like to fuck with people for fun. Though I should assume this isn’t for fun, but to make money. Or maybe it was revenge of some sort? That’s if the angry threatening cunt really is innocent. I just don’t know anymore. Fuck, people really are cunts. I doubt his innocence now though.

end you

All I can say is when I find out who IS responsible for this, then they ARE going to pay. It’s one thing to troll, it’s another thing to hack my Twitter account but steal money and I’m coming after you ALL guns blazing. So whomever it is, you have been warned. You just went to the top of my most wanted/must be punished list! I’m going to fuck you up so badly that you won’t even know your own name by the time I’ve finished with you and in this case you are VERY welcome!

Oh and as an added bonus TRYING to lock me out of my account and a handy app that let’s me track followers and unfollowers gives me a huge list of 5k+ either fake/hacked or illegal accounts. Twitter is going to have fun going through them all. Sorry to all the legit users who may have utalised this bastards services to boost numbers but since you let them control your account and I can’t tell who’s good and who’s bad, I’m sorry but you’re going to become collateral damage.

Like I always say “don’t fuck with the whore with a dick”… Nice Jewish saying that one!

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Don't Piss Me Off Or You Will Pay

So I’m sitting here fucking fuming, like off the wall and I’m about to leave my body types of angry. You know why? Because my past employers are a bunch of fucking spoilt babies who are now having an epic tantrum because not only did I dare to change jobs but also I’m still applying for the external grant that they wanted me to apply for with them. Oh I was the perfect candidate, I couldn’t miss out and all that jazz. They were more than fucking happy to sign off on it, add in a recommendation and sing my praises from the rooftops. When I was applying under THEIR banner.

pissed

So I switch jobs, grant still fits in with the new job and I ask for the recommendation that they were supposed to have given me already, I really should have gotten this before I quit. My dumb! Then it would have been in the bag. You know what thy tell me? Oh we have changed our minds, we have more suitable candidates here we want to push. So in other words, motherfuckers are holding out on me because I switched jobs. NONE of the grant money actually goes TO them, straight to me, so it’s not like they are having a financial loss. It’s not like I left them high and dry, I’m still working on their damn project (free of charge) so I honour my commitment I made to them. Though in the space of 1.5 weeks, since we have broken up they have miraculously found several other BETTER candidates for it that myself. I call total and utter bullshit, because these candidates were there when I was there and I was right at the top of that pile. So I’m calling craptastical lies and it’s their revenge. Well let’s just see how sweet that feels, when that work I committed to finishing for you so you can keep you GOVERNMENT grant isn’t completed. You won’t know till it’s too late. See, last laugh is on me assholes, you still need me! Though I need you like fucking rabies.

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I can get someone to sign off on it from YOUR University, cause I have connections there and I’m not afraid to fucking use them. This person is even higher up than you are and your petty behaviour will not go untold. So fucking bend over. See that GOVERNMENT grant you’re relying on me to get the stuff done for? It’s attached to 5 other grants and when you fall at this hurdle and I’m certain “oh our former employee failed to deliver and we sat with our dick in our hands for 3 months and just thought she’s do it” which I will deny and NEVER put in writing, isn’t going to look too good. Me I’m in the clear! My resignation email made sure of that. Never put anything in writing, is going to look so fucking epically bad that they can kiss the several million dollars worth of research grants goodbye!

Oh and my job in all of this will be to pick up what they drop. See these grants may have been allocated to one bloody institution, but hell if you fail to deliver, then it’s next in line and it just turns out that I went to the next best place for these grants to go. Actually I think I went to the better place. Since there is such a rivalry between these institutions, just one suggestion from me that these grants might be looking like falling through and they will be all over it. See that’s what I love about the corporate world, it’s results driven. Don’t show me the plan, the outline or anything else; just show me the fucking results and the fucking money. If there are no results, kiss the money goodbye. Oh looky here, I have some results for you. Not that I have given them to the stupid first institution, see they never made me sign them over. So here they sit in my hot little hand and make you look fucking terrible. Fuck I might even complete said project independently and submit under new institution; see how you like those apples fuckers. This is why you get people to sign ethics forms. Idiots.

money

The best part is I know exactly where past institution was failing to meet targets, I know what they were good at and I can make sure any application I put forward getting these grants changed over, is going to fuck them right up the ass. See this is what happens when you just say to me “don’t forget about ethical responsibility” and don’t have me sign a do not disclose, because ethical responsibility can be interpreted as I have an ethical responsibility to my new employer right? To get all the fucking funding possible. I have NO ethical responsibility to the old institution that wasted a year of my life, with a purposeless project and then refused to deliver on the promise of a recommendation. Well fuck you cocksuckers, I now refuse to deliver on ANYTHING that I committed to with you. No sign, no dice, no recourse. So bend over and take it up the ass. You think you were pissed before, when I left, wait till I’ve screwed you sideways for this. Up until now I was feeling ambivalent and like it was even, now it’s fucking war and trust me, you don’t go to war with me and EVER win. Your funding, you better get ready to kiss it goodbye! I’m about to embrace it with open arms and welcome it to a better, brighter and likely more useful place, my new world. Every time they hear my name in the future, I hope past employer sees red and wants to burn, cause that’s just how I’d like it to be.

screw-keep-calm-and-burn-those-bitches

Luckily for me the rivalry between these two institutions keeps a very large gap in the professional networks. You are on one side or you are on the other. I’ve been on both sides, several times in fact, so I know how the dance is done. I managed to walk the line very well, I’m a sociopath, it comes naturally. But I normally play nice, don’t burn bridges and behave myself. Now I’m shitting in a paper bag, setting it on fire and throwing it on your front porch, as the ceremonial stomping that is to become our future relationship. You see the fact you BOTH headhunted me, gives me a lot of leverage. Because deep down you know you still want me, you sent me letters telling me you want me, filled with praise, endorsements and all these wonderful things. Plus al the emails saying “oh of course you are the best candidate we have for this scholarship, by a mile, you have x and x that the other don’t”. Thanks for handing me my winning argument, as said skills are very specific and you can’t learn them in a few weeks. They are university honed and clinically honed over YEARS. They now become part of my arsenal when I steal every scrap of funding I can from you. You? You just look bitter now because I switched over to the competition, which really offered me a much better deal. This is business after all and sorry, the winner is always the person who offers me the most, not necessarily in monetary terms, but also in prospects for advancement and fuck they gave me an office, all of my very own. It’s not even a cubicle, so I’m winning on that as far as most people in my field go. The dumbest thing you ever did was not get me on retainer, on contract or sign any confidentiality agreements. I guess I have a face you look like you can trust. OMG the laughing, it hurts. Of course this will now bite you in the ass in epic style. Funnily enough new employer has already got me to sign these things, before I start. No fear though, with my legal training, I found a few loopholes that I will exploit at the end of all of this. Cause sure as shit they wont own my ideas and new intervention strategies, can’t if I’ve trademarked them already in general terms before I hand them over, can they? Fuckers. See I am always thinking several steps ahead. But the fact remains old employer, you won’t deliver, can’t deliver and wow I will use that as an opportunity to fucking end you for this little temper tantrum.

procrastination

I’m now procrastinating. What am I procrastinating? Well tomorrow when I’m officially back in the job market, I actually have to have my research team picked. Which sounded all fine and dandy yesterday and then I started to ponder it a bit more. What if god decided to smite me, just this once and hand me an entire file of unlucky cunts or even worse, what if they are all women? Fuck no I CAN’T have that, all the bitching, backstabbing trying to get to the top, the syncing of menstrual cycles and then a whole team who is PMS’ing so bad that it literally is a blood bath. Ack, I know terrible joke, but I really just couldn’t help myself and I stick by it. So suck it. I can’t vet files on gender alone, I wish I could, but that’s illegal. So now I actually have to read files and come up with justification why my team is ¾ male based. This shouldn’t be too hard, as I can spot weakness a mile off. Though it might mean interviews. Again I’m going to take a friends approach. You walk into my office, stand no chair, you have 10 minutes to tell me about results and how you’ll get them or got them in the past. That’s it. I don’t want to hear what is in your CV, your life story or your back history, eidetic memory remember. So this is your first test. 10 minutes are up and your out of there, not a second more. The good thing with this is women love to talk, men just get to the point, so that’s where gender selection can come into play, they interview better this way. Women also can be told this from the outset and still don’t comply. If they can then maybe they have earned a place on my team. We shall see, I will also be assessing diva quality and willingness to really take it from me, not complain and get it done. Trust me with my behaviour analysis skills, I will know the truth from your body language, facial expressions, eye direction, eye contact and even your choice of words. So unless you are the real deal and come in and are a lot like me, then you’re not coming back. Simple.

first impressi

Oh did I ever mention how I got head hunted from second company? I went in asking for a letter of recommendation and they asked me where I wanted to be in 5 years. My answer was “Truthfully, think of your boss, their boss, their boss and one position higher, that’s where I’ll be if I don’t quite get to where I want to be. Which will never happen”….. Since this person is also very good at behaviour analysis, she knew I was telling the truth and meant every word of it. See THAT’S how you get a job, by saying you want the best job possible in the shortest timeframe possible, believe you can and have the skills to back it up. No bullshitting or pandering or trying to find the right answer. There is no right answer. There is the piss poor what you think they want to hear answer and the truth. Of course they got the truth. Fuck I really should have said I’d own the company, but I’m not fucking paying for it, they will give it to me!

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There Is No Imitating Me!

Hmm it seems it never did get posted, it’s sitting on my phone with about 3 dozen unpublished blogs. Insomnia is a bitch and this is how I spend those nighttime hours. At least its sort of productive.

immitation

The say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I want to know who the fuck that was and slap them till they bleed. Let’s face it it’s not flattering, it’s damn well annoying and a giant pain in the ass. You know why? Because you’re not me, you never will be me and I’m afraid your dumb and I’m not. I really try to refrain from calling people dumb to their face, because that really is just kinda, mean. I tend to go with interpretive dance, they don’t get it and point proven and no tears shed. Not that I care about the tears I just don’t have to deal with them.

So I’ve decided to list my all time hates when it comes to being an unoriginal copycat who wouldn’t know a new idea if it bit them in the ass. To be fair they are blinded by my brilliance, so we need to take that into consideration.

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1. The Sycophant.

This is normally the first stage in the single white female relationship. This woman wants to insert herself into your life, be your new BFF and can appear to be quite normal at this stage. Agrees with everything you say, always has time to catch up and it’s like you’ve hit the friend jackpot. It’s more like crackpots, but that’s to come. Sure it’s a little odd you like the same quirky things, that you seem to run into her randomly a lot but you really think nothing of it. She seems pretty cool, because she’s modelling herself off you. And let’s face it your as cool as it comes and I have met a few other woman over the years who are cool. Not me cool, but their own version. You bitches know who you are! Holla!

Yeah warning bells should be starting to go off, just slightly. Listen the fuck up. This could save you a lot of time and crazy. Not you crazy, or at least me crazy, I’m proficient at sticking that into a giant fucking big black hole of a vacuum and leaving it there. Not even tempted to delve in… Unfortunately this realisation comes later in the 5 step process.

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2. Starting to get right up in your business stage/ morphing into a version of you.

They want to know everything about you. Birthday, fine. Anniversary, fine. Kids birthday’s, fine. Which doctor you go to, fine. These are all reasonable things friends share.

Then stuff like bra size, the exact colour of your hair, how often you have sex, how many times you tried for kids and basically everything from what you ate for breakfast to how it came out. Look I’m a narcissist, I love to talk about myself but even I get weirded out when we start to head into this territory.

Then you notice their dress style has changed, they have a new hair colour, their new “surprise gift” from their devoted husband smells suspiciously like your signature scent and the dead give away? They start to talk just like you. From opinions, to sayings, to inflections and in my case swearing like a trooper and trying to pull off epic tantrums. This is a natural gift. So they are generally left floundering like a fish out of water, while you watch. Look I could jump in and save them but by this point I’m creeped out, amused and really want to see what this person is made of. Chicken shit, it’s always chicken shit. It comes back to having the dumbs. So flounder they do. “Why didn’t you step in?” They ask? Because you daft bitch when have you ever had to step in to save me? That was your test and you failed miserably. All the excuses in the way home, just hammer in further how unlike we are. I don’t have excuses, in the rare occasion I might have a reason . But if I’m ever bested, which is next to never, total props to the person who did it. You go on the Christmas card list!

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3. The competition stage.

By this stage they have decided that they are just fucking like you and need to prove it. Everything is a competition and they are always trying to one up you. Have I mentioned how damn boring this stage is? I saw it coming. You won’t one up me ever, you will fail miserably, no matter how many times you try. Please stop it’s embarrassing. If I take pity in you I remain silent. If you annoy me enough I’ll have you arguing around in circles just so the end you’ve just disproven the point you were trying to make when you started. I’ve also ramped up the wardrobe to my fave men and women. Jimmy, Louis, Gucci, Versace,Stella, Burberry ect. Still keeping up? Or racking up the bills trying. Please stop you’re embarrassing yourself.

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4. The argumentative stage

Now they have ether gone one of two ways, they in their twisted brain have decided they are better than you, unlikely. Or they have come crashing down back to the real world are realised they aren’t you. So with that, they have decided to become the anti you. So everything you say is wrong, they have an uneducated opposing view on everything and even if you say the sky is blue (technically it’s not, it’s the reflection off the ocean but meh, that’s 3rd grade science) they will say it’s cornflower blue to both disagree and one up you. Now is about a good time to pull it the year 3 science lesson. Even better if you can get Master 6 to deliver the news. You just got outsmarted by MY 6-year-old…. Me? Hahahaha! Never yet, though he tries but I sense the first ever is coming. I came out if the womb winning and manipulating and nothing has changed. I think I’ve told you my mother refers to me as the devil. Ahhh. The love.

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5. The chase me stage.

This is the tantrum stage where they have an epic meltdown and place all sorts of weird restrictions on your friendship to test how far you will chase. The answer to that question is, not at fucking all. Your own your own and I’m free.

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Of course there are extra provision to these rules. The one that NEVER really goes away and gets stuck at stage 4. See they really can’t let me go, they just are that addicted, who can blame them? The passive aggressive “friend” who never replies to status updates or blog posts but conspicuously has an opinion It usually appears to 1-3 days later, when they have time to come up with something they think has out witted me but “doesn’t want to argue it, just citing opinion”. That I guess is flattery and likely well judged fear. See I won’t ever argue my point a second time if someone feels they need to respond outside where I’ve posted. Not because my opinion has changed but cause your chickenshit way of making yourself heard deserves no respect and none of my time. Plus said argument is pretty much invalidated by link to my initial opinion piece. But thanks for playing.

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Now I know you’re wondering why I don’t put a stop to this at some stage in the process. Firstly cause watching the process is fun, I get to sit on the sidelines with popcorn and pull you back down to earth when needed. Plus you NEVER really know just how crazy this person might actually be and by step 2 or 3, they know a lot about you. It’s in your best interests to let them call time on the relationship, because they really might be a threat. Pull weird shit and who knows what they are capable of. Of course once they step over a line a restraining order can go in place but they have to overstep that line. It’s not a good idea to push them over it, cause a step on their part will be less dramatic and dangerous than you pushing them. So you really just need to sit out the clusterfuck of a ride. I’ve had to do it several times over the years and avoided police involvement and bodily harm every time. But honestly, if they were really totally nuts and not just wanting to be me in a kinda twisted way and not the classic single white female real type of way, I’d have a restraining order slapped on them faster than you can blink.

 

 

Today Is Brought To You By The Word Effort.

Don’t you hate it when you are just having a total fucking uninspirational day? You know when nothing seems exciting, nothing seems shiny (even diamonds) and everything just seems like far too much fucking effort? Well I’m having one of those days today but here I am sitting here torturing myself trying to come up with things to say and not let you my loyal fickle reader down. You’re fucking welcome. I have a feeling this is my body’s way of trying to entice me into another piece of cake or something else, which actual simple sugar composition would have me back on another epic sugar high. My body is tricky like that, it thinks it knows better than my brain, though my brain IS technically part of my body, so maybe they have a point. The only thing that is stopping me from going on another carb binge, well other than the possibility of death, is the total clusterfuck that is the come down. It starts with the mother of all headaches, I become THE bitch from hell, not to be confused with the bitch I am normally who is also from hell and I’m MEAN. Like REALLY mean and there doesn’t need to be a reason for it. It just is. Normally when I’m mean, there is a damn good reason and it’s because you’ve managed to piss me off. The sugar high come down type of mean might just happen because I don’t like the way the new set of forks I bought look. They make epic projectiles and even more dangerous weapons. So if you ever come to our house and wonder why the cutlery draw is padlocked shut, it’s because I’ve had sugar in the past 12 hours and MrBmB has had to take precautionary measures. Because at times like that I really would cut someone.

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So I’m sitting here, again still waiting for Thursday to roll around and for work to begin. Children’s TV is on in the background and again I’m convinced that people who produce children’s TV shows have to be on some really really good drugs. This shit is so fucking off the wall, as an adult it makes no sense to me, how is my 17 month old going to understand? Or maybe that’s the ruse, they know the kids aren’t going to understand it and honestly he parents aren’t going to watch it, so why both have it make fucking sense? In The Night Garden is currently on, there are characters like Iggle Piggle, Upsy Daisy, Maka Paka, Tombliboos, they live in a Ninkynonk (glorified camper van) and drink Pinkyponk juice. I challenge anyone to tell me that there isn’t some heavy drug use in the creation of these things. Fuck hand me the Pinkyponk Juice, I think I might just try a swig of that shit. Sugar avoidance be dammed!

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I also know that I have to go to the grocery store today, which is also pissing me off no end. For two reasons. ALL the beautiful carb laden foods that are just sitting there taunting me, tempting me and making me question how bad a coma might be. It’s just like a really long sleep right? Hell I could do with a sleep in, it really doesn’t seem that bad. Though I would have to end up in hospital and they are full of germs. I’m sure as soon as my comatose body hit the doors of the Emergency Room, I would wake up in a panicked germaphobe state and start screaming at the medical professionals “unclean, unclean”. Hopefully they would write this off as the sugar talking and not my total lunacy, cause that would end me up in another totally different hospital. But as sure as they cut open that golden goose, I’d be off of the gurney and running for my life from all those germs, super bugs and anything else I might be able to catch on the way through. Do you think if I flip out enough that the ER doc would write me a huge Valium prescription in the parking lot, wearing gloves, after using the alcohol rub? Because that just might work for me and I need to jot this down just in cause I ever decide I need more Valium, they won’t give me Xanax I’ve been blacklisted, for future reference. I really need a “for future reference” journal that I put all this shit in, it really would be handy. Though then I’d need to leave a note to remind me where I had left the journal and notes as to where I’d left the notes. Actually it would be like a treasure hunt. With no real treasure. Nope, no dice, gotta be shiny and diamond’s involved for it to be a treasure hunt. Oh the second reason is people btw.

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They say diamonds are a girls best friend. I have to agree to a point and then also to disagree because while I DO love them, I would also argue designer handbags are also a girls best friend. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and invest FAR too much of our (by our I mean my.. what’s mine is mine and what’s his is mine) money in them. Notice I say invest, because to  spend would be wasteful, but investing means that I one day will get some money back. I would suggest it wouldn’t be what I paid, though I NEVER pay full retail, but the enjoyment I get for them would make up for the shortfall. The poor guy that marries Miss 4 is in for a real treat. I don’t think she thinks handbags come in any other variety other than designer. If it doesn’t have a Chanel, Jimmy, Louis, Givinchey, YSL, Stella, Prada, Burberry, Gucci, Fendi, Versace or Mulberry in the title, then she won’t believe it’s actually a real bag. It will be a sack to carry potato’s. Though fortunately for the future daughter in laws, or unfortunately cause they will have me for a mother in law, sons’ all think the same way. So those girls are in for a treat!

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Do you ever, if you’re a parent, wonder what  kind of In law you are going to make? See I have no idea and I’ve actually given this a lot of thought. I could be the worst kind, worse than my MIL. Well maybe? I’m certainly crazy, but she is evil. Could my actual level of crazy lend me to be an equivalent amount of crazy to her evil, toward my future children in law? Because man if it could, then I really would advise them not to marry my kids and stay the fuck away. Though that in itself seems a lot like my mother in law. Or I might be the exact opposite and take them into my nurturing arms and treat them like my own children. Ahh fuck then they are in trouble then too, cause while I love my kids and they know it and nurture well, its not all hugs and cuddles and kisses. Like I’ve said before they are disease riddle little petrie dishes and that makes me all types of itchy. So we settle for spoony cuddles so they aren’t breathing on me, no one can breathe on me, fuck I hate that. Kisses to the cheeks and forehead cause I’m not sharing spit, ugh! Lots of encouraging pats on the heads and back pats. I have mainly boys so I can get away with this. Plus MrBmB is über tactile, so what I lack in tactile he makes up for in spades. In fact he pretty much makes them more needy for it. Can’t have that. A daughter who is needy for physical attention is just a prostitute waiting to happen. Lucky for her she is gorgeous, no I don’t have Mummy goggles on, so she can settle for being a model. No need to sink to stripper or prostitute level for attention. She at 4, literally stops traffic and is always being told how pretty she is, so she know it too. So she has the diva attitude to match. With my genetics who am I kidding, it’s going to take one hell of a man to tame that one. Good-luck with that. MrBmB is still trying. I sense some serious issues when she is a teenage about who is the alpha female in this house and MrBmB having a total soft spot for her is going to be no use. I just repeat the words “princess bitch face syndrome”, “do you want her to become your sister” or even worse “do you want her to be a mini-MrsBmb” whenever she tries to manipulate him. Of course he’s still not listening, but once she hits 12, cause we all know that’s the age that girls turn into hormonal balls of crazy, then she is all his, cause I warned him. Don’t come to me begging for help.

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Holy shit the day just got brighter, I just got a delivery and it’s alcohol. Good wine to be exact. I kind of won, more like tied, a bet and this is my prize. Mount Mary Quintet x 6 bottles. Now the real struggle is going to be trying not to drink them. These ARE really investment wines, they are already a good plonk, but give them 5 years and they will be exceptional. But they look really really tempting. The same section of my brain that entices me into the carbs and had me purchase 6, yes 6, Phone 6’s is calling out to me to just give one a try. The issue is you can’t just have a drop, you have to drink the whole bottle and I’m not sharing with MrBmB. It’s after midday and midweek, so drinking is acceptable. But should I? Or should I hold out on the investments. I have 6 times, one per bottle, to make this decision and I have a feeling the investment card isn’t going to win out on this one for at least one of the bottles. Then it will have to be 2 cause they NEED to be in even numbers. Though on second thoughts, I could just purchase a bottle and keep the rest there and no harm, no foul and no one wold be any the wiser. Where the fuck did I put that ideas journal? Did I even start one? Argh!

I really should be reading through CV’s picking at who I’m going to have on my research team for this project for my new job. They have already been vetted by someone under me, so I know they all meet some specific standards and are also colour coded in their area of strengths, so I know I have all bases covered. I think I will just pick 6-12 at random, 2 of each colour code and put the rest  in the bin. As a friend once advised me, do this cause you should never work with unlucky cunts. I will then go one step further and pull a random file out of the bin, they are now a really lucky cunt and put them as second in charge. They will displace one of the same colour code, who in all actuality is an unlucky cunt, a really unlucky one. I just really hope that there are not too many women in that pile of researchers I end up with, because I hate women, they are bitches. I don’t get along with other bitches, because at some point they decide they want to be me and they just can’t so we end up in the imitation is the sincerest form of flattery territory and we all know how that ends. Hey did I even ever publish that blog or just write it? I actually think I just wrote it. So hey, something for you to look forward to I guess, if I can find it…. Why the fuck am I SO disorganised with OCD? It’s like my compulsion is to torture myself by driving myself batty by forgetting things. Don’t ever assume this comes to my work, stats or anything I’ve read, eidetic memory, so it all gets stored there for better or for worse. Which is another reason why I hate reading dumb things on the internet, cause they are stuck in my brain for life?! No one knows exactly how much memory  we actually have, but I’m going to assume it’s finite and as sure as shit the stuff I want to remember later will get pushed out for the useless and stupid crap that’s in there. Though I hope Spider Dog is in there for eternity cause that thing is gold.

On that note, I’m going to go and rewatch Spider Dog and see if I can find that imitation post… Wherever it may be….

Mondayitis AND a Carb Infusion

I’m going to start this post with “the warning”… If you love me for the cats and/or the actual intellectual blogs this one really isn’t for you!

So I woke up this morning, well MrBmB woke me up cause I really hate mornings, like more than Garfield. I rolled over in the bed, yeah I don’t sleep in a coffin surprise eh? The first word out of my mouth “Fuck is it Friday?” Now I have no idea why I think it’s Friday and why this would be a bad thing, seriously Friday’s are the start to almost to the weekend. MrBmB looks at me like I’ve lost my marbles, I’m sure in 10 years of marriage it’s actually the dumbest thing I’ve said to him outside “I do” and “Let’s have a fourth”. Ummm, no he informs me it’s Monday. My response? Well fuck that’s not going to work for me. Now I have NO fucking clue what that actually means, why it’s not working for me or even why I had this conversation. Four coffee’s in and a HUGE piece of left over chocolate birthday cake (sorry master 3 it’s all gone now, you will have to wait till your official party next weekend) and it’s still as clear as a poor quality diamond. Totally flawed and full of inclusions that make it useless. This is going to be a really interesting day, I can tell that already.

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So the sugar rush has hit my body and while yeah yeah as a diabetic it’s not strictly approved, or even suggested, you could go as far as say it’s actually a big no-no, at this point I really don’t give a flying fuck. You know why? Cause I’m hight as a kite on fucking sugar and caffeine. Both of these legal substances, both with incapacitate my facilities to outside normal working parameters and make me all types of awesome depending on whether you are my friend or foe in the moment. It really is a moment thing too. It can change in an instant. Any good friend of mine will tell you I can be exceptionally blunt and honest and with no tact and another can tell you I’m so bloody hilarious. It’s lucky  I haven’t pulled any stunts that have gotten me arrested. The difference between friend 1 and friend 2? One tried to get it in my way, the other either was wise enough to not get in my way or joined in. I’m not really sure my recollection of said events is fuzzy at best and that’s the defence my legal team tells me to stick to. Diminished capacity, you can be a great thing when it comes to medical conditions of non life threatening well-managed conditions like my diabetes. well unless you eat too much cake.

Though as always the boobs always help. Fact of life, ladies you really need to capitalise on this, guys, keep falling for it. Idiots. They are fat sacks attached to a woman’s chest, like your belly but with nipples. HOW and WHY are they so attractive? I’ll never get it. I’m sure it comes down to breast-feeding or not breastfeeding. Equally to blame. It’s weird though cause I don’t have a penis and I don’t really want to touch one all of the time, ill I don’t even want one. But I bet if you offered a guy retractable boobs he could play with whenever he wants, the market would go through the roof. I really need to jot that down as a future invention. Not sure how it works, or how to do it, but that’s what other people are for. I’m the ideas person. To all the future men who get retractable boobs, you’re welcome and likely paid for my Aston Martin.

Anyways back to that cake high, high as a frigging kite and no, not the Jewish festival of kites that was the past weekend. That actually sounds like all kinds of fun, until you imagine the amount of string, the amount of bodies and the potential for one giant human knot. It would be like a PG version of the hum a centipede. Well no not really, cause that was creepy and disgusting as all fuck. Who they hell thinks up this shit? Do they really function ok in society or should we all be really afraid of them? As a Psychologist, I really am not sure a normal adult imagination has that kind of thought processes, unless diabetic and high on cake. But this is Hollywood, so I guess the correct assumption is that they are pretty much high on everything. Still it concerns me, they have this thought, write it all down in meticulous detail and it becomes a script. Is there a huge difference between a script and a manifesto? Other than one is turned into a movie? The you get the copycat’s who see the movie and are actually really fucked up, maybe not on drugs, but just in general and you’ve given them this great new purpose to live. Yeah see, I’m not convinced as “entertaining” as movies like this are they are actually helpful for society, mental health issues, desensitisation of violence and like an instruction guide on how to get real infamous really quick. I also question people who GENUINELY like watching sick shit like this, what the fuck is wrong with you? Doesn’t it make you sick to the stomach? Do you not have an empathy button? I’m a sociopath and I still can’t watch them. So welcome to all the REAL psychopaths out there!

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I’m also sitting here looking at Magnus. I love this bird, he really  does a good job at collecting eyeballs, though his eyes are still as creepy as fuck so we have a “no direct eye contact rule” like the rule MrBmB and I have during sex. But off topic. I think I may have wasted his talents, he obviously likes shiny thing, so why did I limit him to eyeballs? Why did I not train him to pilfer diamonds and other shiny jewellery? Now is it really stealing if your bird takes it and you have no idea where it came from? Strolling into the local police station saying “My bird stole this and I’d like to return it” will likely end me up in a padded room, which I imagine is just like an adult jumping castle. So I really don’t know what all the fuss is about. The straight jacket would do me in, very claustrophobic, but I’m sure I could chew my way out of one or at least convince a guard to let me out of it. I might be crazy, but I’m not physically dangerous, I have people for that. I have a person for everything and if I don’t  have one I sure as shit can find one. If you work for me, it’s amazing the things your job description can entail if you piss me off enough. See people don’t read the fine print in contracts and they really trust you if you say “take it away and get legal advice, you have said 4 days”. They never bother to get it checked and in there is some clause that has if you piss me off in some way your get chosen as the lucky one to do something purposeless in the Yukon, in the dead of winter for 3 months, just because I asked. If you refuse you need to pay back your last years salary and your fired. You will be when you get back anyway. See always read the fine print, it will get you every time.

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That leads me to the movie the wizard of Oz. What the hell kind of movie was that? Emerald City, Ruby slippers and a poppy (i.e. opium) field that will make you sleep. Why no diamonds? Were they too expensive to include in the budget, not colourful enough? Why couldn’t she have worn pink diamond shoes? Though I guess she’d want to stay in Oz, cause who int their fucking right mind would hand them back willingly to go and live on a farm? Sure as shit not me. Hell I’d pay diamond slippers to get OFF the damn farm!

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Then there is the whole smell the poppies and you fall asleep. Ok so you’re so buzzed that you have a nod, but no one moves you, so why do you not OD? My next question is, if you are only smelling it then how the fuck do you get high? I’ve tried smelling poppies for several hours straight and all I got was a really bad case of hay fever. Though the meds to cure that are pretty good. Well nope they aren’t really but when mixed with other shit, not so bad.  Benadryl is in that pink party drink right? That shit is bad, don’t go there. Let me take that from you, I’ll save your life. You’re bloody welcome! Though seriously when celebrities are abusing over the counter drugs, there is either a massive drug shortage or they are being cheap asses. Or maybe it really is just that good? I’m still all for the experience of snorting coke off he ass of a hooker (a clean one). That’s got to go on the bucket list, as do Quaaludes. Though I’m not actually sure there are any in existence any more, the 1970’s or 1980’s have a lot to answer for in banning them! Xanax is like Tylenol in comparison to them. They would make a fortune, I call for a relaunch. I’m sure they could make them “safer”, though to be fair nothing is idiot proof, but that’s more a natural selection issue.

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I really think stupid is natures way of implementing natural selection, though it has gone a little wonky. I seems that the most educated people, who you could argue are the smartest as a general rule because they actually were able to be educated (not knocking the smart people who lacked the opportunity for eduction, I’m sure you landed on your feet somewhere cause well your smart) either hold off on having kids, or don’t have as many or any at all. The issue with later in life procreation is egg quality, so the smarts are lessened and they don’t produce enough children to make up for the dumbs of the world. You know the ones (again without generalizing) that have 20 kids, aren’t catholic, to 23 different fathers and live on benefits. Or are just dumb people in general. Psychological studies show that this pattern will repeat itself. Oh my fucking god, what if natural selection is to get RID of all the smart people? That we’ve got to the point where we need to devolve as a civilisation to move over for a better one. Let’s face it this one is pretty crap, we all have issues, live lives fucked up with anxiety and depression and basically have people that are either useless and waste oxygen or horrible criminals. What if are entering the “dumb” plague? We had the black death, dinosaurs froze to death and other civilisations just got wiped off the face of the earth. Maybe they were taken by aliens but the more plausible reason is they died out from disease, not sure what happened to the bodies, they were jungle civilisations, so they likely got eaten by some random animal. We are too smart for all of these things to happen to us, even if we were to sink, most of us can swim and own boats, unlike Atlantis and I’m sure we could float and create food. What if the end of this civilisation IS THE DUMBS? I think I’m on to something here… And now I’m terrified. Every dumb person I come across I will see as the end of my future and my kids future and rather than just hating them, I’m going to fear them and any spawn they may produce for the next 10 generations. So if I run screaming from you, you will know why!

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Why is it as I sit here, I’m getting Twitter updates, as in conversations, I’m not part of that involve teenage dramas. No Takeshi I really don’t care that Damon slept with Harmony and that he’s supposed to be your boyfriend. I really don’t care about your opinion on it Tom, Dick, Harry or Leon. I really don’t. Please fuck off and take it to IM (does that still exist?) or FBC or something. While I now hate my iPhone 5, I’ve got a 6 with my name on it, not even it deserves this. Maybe you could continue the conversation when the iWatch comes out on it, if it has that ability? Cause as floored as my 5 now is and as much as the sight of it makes me shudder, it has served me well, been dropped a few dozen times and never needed a fix, so I owe it some loyalty until my 6 gets here in 5 days. Then it will be banished to the old iPhone draw, yes we have one, that is near full and never thought of again. Though you will always be special cause you were my first gold one. So at least it can rest in peace knowing that! You think it will be ok with that? Hell I might even keep it locked in the safe with all the other old iPhones, we have one of each model, in 200 years they will be relics and I’m sure worth a fortune. So future generations you are welcome for my foresight.

I’m also sitting here with kids programs playing in the background. I’m kind of listening, I work with kid as a living, so it’s as close to work as I’m going to get till Thursday. I really think they are in on the dumb conspiracy. Seriously. How many versions of “the little train that could” are there? It’s like the Golden Goose all over again, without the real horror. Though I did just hear the presenter ask “is your Mother Iguana?” And she was talking to a teddy bear. Umm what the fuck? Its kids, daytime tv and all the school aged children are in school, so this is for an audience of 4 and under. Do they even know what an Iguana is? All they have told me is they can run and up trees. Do they drop Iguana out at you too? I’m not actually sure this is scientifically correct. I would think they would be too big to climb trees? Maybe I’m wrong. But hell if you’re going to scare the fuck out of small kids they should be talking about massive carpet snakes and how they live in the roof’s of houses and can come down and constrict you in your sleep. At least you are teaching them an important life lesson and maybe how to stay alive just in case of a random carpet snake attack.

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This brings me to the latest episode of Dr Who. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Peter Capaldi? How much I have hated Dr Who in the past but over the last 4 episodes, I’ve become a total convert. DON’T JUDGE ME! Let’s not go as far as to say fan, cause the rest of the episodes are frankly crap and the story lines written by people who took some great drugs, maybe that’s where all the Quaaludes went and they ran out? These story lines seem to make a lot more sense, well it’s relative really, I’m not saying they make complete sense but some is better than none. That’s not a philosophy I normally prescribe to. All is better than none is normally how I roll, but in this case I will take what I can get. I know the new Dr is being panned but I think it’s cause he is old and actually entertaining as opposed to having weird hair or a weird face and he can actually act. Or maybe he has a “House” like quality that I am drawn too, kinda cooky and random. Maybe it’s the accent? I really like this. Clara? Well since the only yardstick I actually have is Rose, I’ll take her too. She seems to be ok. I wouldn’t like her in real life, but hell it’s tv and not real life, so I treat it that way.

Gosh could you imagine if Dr Who was real life or an integral part of your life? My mind boggles. The Whovians, the Treckies, The Starwarzians (?) and anyone who coverts Marvel or whatever that other comic franchise is. I forget, I don’t care. All I care about it Chris Hemsworth looks HOT with no shirt on. So it works for me. It’s like Divergent, terrible books, terrible movie but I’d leave MrBmB in a heartbeat for Theo James! He knows this and is cool with it, I think. Maybe cool is overstating things, he is accepting? Maybe not even that, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to stop me getting naked with that guy, so its begrudging acceptance. Which I think is fair. I don’t think he thinks I’ll ever meet him in real life, he underestimates me. I also thinks that I wouldn’t be able to get him naked. HAHAHAHAHA! would take me 5 seconds maximum. Promise. I’m really, really a 9!

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Ok on that note I’m going in search for more sweet things before the crash hits, the headache has started and Mr Grumpy Cat just took a dump (right on schedule) right next to my computer in her litter box. So all I will end with it, fuck I wish it WAS Friday!

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Who Gave Permission For This?

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I DIDN’T download it but it’s there. How does this happen? Oh whenever they can do as they fucking please. I don’t care if it’s free, if I wanted it I’d have paid for it.

All kinds of pissed. See abusing permissions already.

Fuck you Apple!

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No Pictures For You!

***warning this is NOT a cat blog. If you’re here for the cat or my jokes and not my ranting personality retreat NOW! Otherwise you will end up disliking me and trust me, you want to like me!

You know I’m pissed when adding pictures is too much effort for you dear reader and with this post you get nada, because you don’t fucking deserve them! You all know I’m coming off a 48 hour no sleep epic bender and still you give me shit. Oh for fucks sake, you’re actually right that’s no excuse. It’s a bloody good reason though! My brain is literally a mush of refreshes on the Apple store.

Wowzers didn’t I get the fuck blasted out of me yesterday for not writing a vitriolic raging, rambling sordid twisted cunt of a blog yesterday! No exaggeration!

Apparently my way with dropping fucking curse words as sentence enhancers is what you all bloody well want. Well screw you and your mass contradictions! First you fucking hate me for calling Facebook cunts, well cunts. You go ballistic that little old me dropped the cunt bomb on my blog. How unclassy, how unlady like and some of you asshats even think I’m a dude in disguise. Well these boobs are some bloody fucking epic disguise. Since they aren’t removable or put there by a surgeon, it’s a pretty big fuck you bastard of a disguise. I tell you, I like dudes except for the weird-looking junk , but I’m not a fucking guy and the next person to suggest it? I really will fucking cut. Literally! I have a ceremonial knife ready, purchased second-hand off EBay, just for such a purpose. So the added surprise is the bloody hideous disease you might get from it. You’re welcome! Not that you deserve a surprise today!

You see you lot, yes I’m taking AT you readers, not really TO you, you’re a mindfuck of contradictions. I post a blog about the neurotic glory that is my cat. Perfectly fucken socially acceptable and hell half my followers dig my cat. So why are the rest of you so special you feel the need to whine like baby bitches? It’s what they would call a human interest piece and you all lose your shit at me. I’m being too nice, I’m not being me,  disingenuity and a fuck load of other insulting adjectives.

Someone went as far as to call me normal and a bit boring. Needless to say this pleb has now been purged from all my social media, till the end of fucking time and will never return. Call me anything you like but normal and/or boring or anything similar and you’re dead to me you useless piece of shit! How dare you? Have you not read enough of my blog to know I’m all kinds of crazy? Though call me anything else either and I’m coming after you too. I will settle for Queen!

I’m sociopathic, I’m narcissistic, OCD ridden, multiple personalities abound and ramped up to my Xanaxy eyeballs pretty much all the time! You should fucking know this and should damn well know better than to call me names like that cunt. You, FBcunts and Samsung cunts all go on my muppet wall as trophies. That wall is going to fucking full up fast, I’m going to build another, or get another built cause I don’t get my hands dirty, ever! Ruins my manicure. Maybe I’ll model it on the iWatch. Make it ugly, useless, in your face, cheap and totally boring as fuck. That sounds like just the place for you. Actually I might call it the “Muppet iWatch” wall…. Plan.

Note well to self to get into that during business hours. It’s the fucking weekend and I don’t work weekends. Only my underlings do, when I demand they fix some damn first world crisis, that generally involves social media.( I do campaign strongly for the third world issues too on a side note but quietly as it should be. I’m trying to be as selfless as possible) Or my lawyers cause I’ve managed to piss someone off again.

Someone who’s a real nobody but thinks they are somebody. Honestly?! I don’t see the letters or keep up, I have a legal team and a single device that handles all of those. No not cash, a paper shredder. So imagine that as you pay your goddamn lawyer the few hundred bucks an hour to write me your letter. See me shaking? Fuck no, cause you didn’t even get drawn to my attention, my lawyers know fucking better. Otherwise I’d have them spending all day destroying you from the inside out, fucking you sideways and frankly I think they are lazy, not really looking after my best interests. Or maybe it’s just my whims of destruction. Though don’t think by whim they are fleeting, they are etched into my brain for life and one day they will hatch tiny little spawn that will come after you. One day!

So here I am hating on my readers for hating on me, which they are going to bloody hate. Which I should hate but we all know I love a good hater. Hell I managed to piss off 10k Americans with my Gun Control rants and didn’t blink an eye. See I felt the glory of a job well done. That’s how I measure success. Not in monetary terms but in the number of people I can piss off in the shortest amount of time or the number of hateful things said about me. I own you at this point and that’s invaluable. Did I mention I’m building a pool in my haters heads at the moment? It’s got a water slide and all. Oh the fun I will have during Summer.

Though out of all of this, the thing that pissess me off the most? Is The Blitz, I really fucking hate that pube face and he’s remained suspiciously quiet. Now I know he he knows he can’t find me, I’m anonymous and he knows he can’t sue me for opinion backed up with all the photographic evidence that makes him King Of The Little Wiener Douches. But the absolute arrogance to read the blog and to just ignore it. Though to be fair he was likely high, not interested cause he couldn’t get his dick into it and I didn’t write it in dumb. So perhaps he either didn’t understand or just had no real answer for his behaviour or the fact he’s a shit poker player. Like really shit. Minor league batting in the major league. He better kiss his ass goodbye cause one day he’s going to sink in an epic fashion and I predict it will all be over ego and one fucking hand. Likely the one he couldn’t keep out of another guys girlfriend.

Seriously, girls he’s sloppy 1000’s and from what I hear terrible in bed, even if you’re high as a kite and tripping balls. Kermit the frog is a better lay. Though I guess the frog won’t like you full of drugs and buy your fuck all, so you’re winning there. Diamonds, at least me getting diamonds? Ahh who am I kidding, he can’t afford those, it’s more like cubic zirconia’s. Yes you can tell the difference. It’s all about the fire, it’s always about the fire. Trust me, it has to burn.

So there you have it. That enough you fucking fantastic blog readers? Have I insulted you enough yet today so your life is now complete? Or do I need to go harder, faster, better, stronger? Yeah that’s a bloody Daft Punk joke, fucking deal with it.

Till next time, just keep remembering while I appreciate you and you’re all types of fucking fantastic whiney bitches, your also an annoying bunch of potential muppet heads to place on my iWatch wall. So screw you and you’re mother too!

So now I’ve had to take time out of MY precious nap time, while the kids are sleeping off the high that is Master 3’s Birthday, so thanks for stomping shit all over that too. It’s not like he will turn three again. Maybe you can aim to destroy Master 16 months 2nd Birthday in April too? Rude fuckers… Seriously. Though I’m going to eat cake, so on my carb high I’m sure all will be forgiven and you will get the diabetic equivalent of the drunk man “I love you Bro” post or some really weird random, more so than norma gibberish. Trust me, me on a carb high is hilarious. It’s like legal crack and I’m seriously unpredictable and uncontrollable. You’ve been warned and promised!

My Cat IS Molten Evil. I Think I'm Impressed.

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Why good day to you there. Ha! I thought I’d throw you off with that one cause I’m well aware what my blogs normally start with “Do you know what I hate” or “I’m calling today the worst day ever”. I tend to be a little dramatic, well except for the hate because I genuinely do hate the things that I blog about that I hate. Like the iwatch. Like I seriously see that thing and get all types of crazy and they aren’t even being sold yet. Wait till I see people walking down the street wearing them, I’m likely to rip it from their wrist to stomp on it or die laughing. I know the greater population is pulling for the first option, cause let’s face it that would be pretty fucking epic blog! You’ll need to stick around until 2015 for that, so if you’re a commitmentphobe that might be an issue. But really this is a very one-sided relationship, I don’t ask much of you really, all you just have to do is read and feel my rage. So if you can’t commit to this, then yeah there might be some serious issues there. This relationship, other than being a loyal reader, actually has no string for you at all. It’s really like friends with rage benefits. Come on, now that is appealing right? I bet we can work through this together….. Oh what the fuck not even I can pull that off without smiling. If you can commit to a blog, not just not want to, then really get help now or you’re going and up being a Sherpa in the mountains somewhere with about a million goats. Which can surprisingly from a distance look like mini cows. The things you learn.

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Anyways after what were the most taxing 4 days of my life from Apple and then a very intense 48 hours of no sleep, yeah I REALLY had to have a new phone, finally peace was restored in my world. I know you are thinking Jesus Christ she is all kinds of loopy if she stayed up 48 hours to get a phone, but in my defense I was given the wrong time by Apple, I am as stubborn as hell, the OCD had kicked in and Mr BmB was urging me to “let it go for a while”. So you can se why quitting wasn’t an option, even if the other option is the stuff lunacy is made of. We all know I’m just a lunatic on a good day. Now I’m a lunatic with 4 new phones. Yeah don’t ask, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Nice even number, good colour and model spread and all the OCD jazz. So if anyone is after a iPhone 6 Plus 65GB, you’ve found the right place, I have one in every colour. Even I’m shaking my head at this one.

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Which actually brings me back to the topic of this blog, but really with no segway or lead in just because it does. Yeah my 12th grade English teacher wouldn’t be too surprised. We all know my brain is like the Wizard of Oz on crack at the best of times, still kind sleep deprived from no sleep in 48 hours it’s a more like a slowed down version of tripping balls. The thoughts are slower, they are more coherent and a little less off the wall. I guess it makes me as close to normal as I’m ever going to get. Fuck it’s kind boring being normal. I like being crazy, it really puts a spring in my step and makes me feel all narcissistic and fabulous. Normal, well just feels a little dull compared. Like a lazy Sunday afternoon with nothing going on, no plans you just kinda hang around the house pottering. I don’t potter, that’s for old people. I basically can’t sit still, unless I’m sleep sitting. Don’t laugh it happens in meetings all the time.

And of course yesterday I sat kinda still forever, when the fucking Apple store opened 40 minutes late and then it was impossible to put items in your cart to purchase. But I guess I really wasn’t sitting still, I was yelling, throwing thing, crying, refreshing, cussing, stomping my feet and screaming at the computer “go in my cart you mother fucker”. Which is likely why I bought 4, I taught that glitch a lesson. Yeah don’t fuck with me or I’ll give you a huge chunk of money for shit I don’t really don’t need, just on principle.

See I really am loopy because in my mind that makes perfect sense. I really showed them eh? Cause I got FOUR not the maximum 2 they will let you have. See your bug worked in my favour. Well that and the call I put in to my friend at Apple who sorted it all out for me, cause did I mention they wouldn’t go in my fucking cart?

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Anyway, not the topic of today’s blog. I can blog about how mental I am any day. Today is an update on Ms Xanaxy Grumpy Cat, otherwise known as Elliot. She it’s a she, yes I know Elliot is primarily a boy’s name. But I’m a huge Scrubs fan and I just couldn’t resist the possibility if I named my blonde haired (well its white), blue-eyed kitten Elliot, that she would live up to the neurotic that was the Elliot on Scrubs. As far as Grumpy Cat’s go, well to put it kindly she is a huge fucking epic failure. I had visions of being able to pull her out of my handbag, have her give someone “the look”, maybe take a swipe and not have to deal with him or her at all. But no, she loves people. I would go as are as to say she is an attention whore. Yep, you read that right, she is an attention whore and isn’t selective at all. She really needs to get some game. She is a fuzzy ball of wanting, needy, meowing and at your feet all the type of love. It’s damn well infuriating, well at least it was. Look, I’d still like to be able to go to the bathroom without her being there but I think that’s strategic on her part. Let me explain.

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She is an evil genius. I kid you not. She is all those things I mentioned, all the time, but then she will do something and you just know you have been played. Like when you finally bend down to give her that pat she has been scream meowing at you for the last 20 minutes for, she will bite you, turn her back and casually walk away. Like it was your fucking idea. Playing hard to get after all that begging, maybe she really does have game!

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Then she sits and waits at the garage door for us to come home, now when is mowing when we leave and meowing when we come back. I’m sure in the middle of the away time; she is off harassing Mr Big Cat Oscar. But as soon as we get home, there she is looking all sad sack. You say hello and she perks right up, to turn around to show you her butt hole, which is the only thing you will be seeing for the next few hours. Doesn’t matter what you are doing, cooking dinner, sitting on the couch, in the bath or on the computer, she stands with her butt hole facing you. Still like a statue, with the occasional meow to get your attention, so you can cop another eyeful. Yes I’m for real and yes she knows what she is doing.

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Then there is what I like to call creepy annoying time, where she sets out to basically piss all over your leisure activities. In the bath? Look at my butt, reading a book, look at my butt, on your phone, I want to scratch at the screen. Watching TV, look at me on top of the mantel so you can’t see. Mr BmB playing computer games? Sitting on the back of his chair swatting at his head. If you’ve managed to out maneuver her somehow and she’s lost you, the epic meowing commences, till she finds you, just to nip you on the ankles to stroll off. Also like I mentioned, apparently we go to the bathroom in pairs now. Oh the joys.

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The there is crazy kitten time, which ALWAYS without fail, regardless of the actual time, is sleep time for us humans. We aren’t not talking silent chase things play, we are talking bouncing off walls, climbing the headboard of the bed, swinging from the ceiling fan, swatting your face, under the cover of the bed toe biting, leaping off 3-4 foot objects AT you, type of play. See she doesn’t want you to play WITH her, she is playing with you. I’ve noticed this distinction. You try to engage her in play, she just walks away. You’re not playing and she is chasing you, double legged bunny hopping, front paw diving, 3 meter jumping and springing out of random hideout holes playing WITH you. You are her toy. I wonder, does she actually plan the sneak attacks? Lay in wait in that tiny hole in the bathroom, just to spring out at you at 3am when you get up to use the bathroom? I’m suspicious the answer is yes. Or when I finally get to sleep, with a brain like this insomnia is a given, and she crawls behind my pillow just to bite at my head and swat at my face, specifically eyelashes. Look I could have been laying for hours trying to get to sleep and nothing. As soon as I doze off, it’s game on. Every night. Oh the joys.

She also enjoys hiding in the kids toys for sneak attacks. All cats hide in ride on trains right? Just to pounce when Master 1 goes near it, or in doll houses, or wardrobes or even in the high chair, right? What cat sits in the high chair? Only at meal times too this is. I’s like she sees me getting stuff ready and thinks this is her opportunity just to be that little more evil.

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Then we come to the other animals. She is insistent, on trying to love the big cat to death, he isn’t interested. Until he is? Then she will hiss at him. Huh? One minute it’s all rubs and cuddle’s, purring and sniffing. He tolerates her well. He decides he might actually more than tolerate her; say sniff back and she loses her mind at him. Epic bitch, temper tantrum style. He goes back to being uninterested and start process again. I think they must be married.

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Then the dogs, they like to bark at her, but are secretly terrified. We have two 2-year-old Border Collie’s. She will hide from them but as soon as they are crated to eat (or to keep kid’s out of their food is more the point) she is all on top of the crate, taunting them, meowing at them and basically scaring them to death. They are too afraid to even move. Bitch cat? Goes to sleep on top of the crate. She never sleeps there, ever, unless they are in there. As soon as they are out, she is up on the bench, giving them the evil eye. Be afraid dogs, be very afraid.

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This is in no way an exhaustive list of the things she deliberately does to irritate me. She sits on my keyboard, she eats my phone, chews my shoes, chases the baby, try’s to cook with me, wants to get in the car, climbs curtains, runs laps around the kids at dinner time, steals my spot in the bed, is trying to steal Mr BmB from me, leaps out from random places, sleep time playtime, only hides in the kids rooms at bedtime (theirs), follows me around consistently, poos in her litter tray (near the computer) every time I sit down to use it, irritates all the other animals in the house, hides in the dryer, runs along backs of lounges, shows you her butt hole, watches you bathe, wants to shower with you, leaps off high objects AT you and the list goes on and on. Yeah I’ve had cats before and I know kitten behaviour, but none of this is random. The timing is always perfect and it’s strategic. The playing hard to get annoys me no end, cause she really will carry on till she has worn you down, then to be disinterested. Play WITH you? No way, that’s biting time!

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So no I didn’t get a Grumpy Cat, I got an evil genius and I’m still trying to work out how I feel about this. If she was a person, she would be me. I’m not sure if I wasn’t me I’d like me. She’s only ¼ of the size she is going to get, so the 3 foot leaps are likely to become 10 foot leaps and knock you to the ground. Ok that’s funny, people falling over is always funny. So evil Genius Cat it is…Be careful what you wish for, you might end up with it, in a twisted way!

I’ll keep you posted (pun intended)

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