What To Do With The Golden Goose?

what-the-fuck-is-this

Imagine my horror when Master 3 showed me THIS song on the iPad, in the collection of children’s songs that are a recommended download by his kindy.

Well I just worked out what wrong with this generation of kids. I found THIS on the iPad as a “children’s song”. There is the long 5 minute story to match.

The Golden Goose Goes Horribly Wrong!

The greater horror when I then watched the 6 fucking minute detailed story to match. Yeah detailed…. As in killing the goose. IN DETAIL, well after they dream of killing it and the riches that might be in its stomach.

What The Living Fuck?

The next generation is screwed! (and this app deleted)

I’m speechless….

Yeah I'm Crazy, They Just Aren't Smart Enough To Work Out What Type.

 

bitch

I’m fucking miserable. Yeah you better stop that smiling or I’m going to do something worse than cut you! I’m going to come and breathe my disease ridden breath that is the flu and share it with you. Sharing is caring and all that warm and fuzzy crap that I know nothing about. Just thinking about warm and fuzzy makes me feel worse and I already feel like death has his hand in my shoulder. Nice to see you bud. Wanna wrestle? I’m sure I can take you fucker!

death

I’m a right bitch at the best of times but when I get sick? Well bitch doesn’t cover it. I’m the queen bitch to end ALL bitches that ever lived and will ever live. I’m certain of it. It’s pretty much like I’m my mother in law, but the version with a soul and one who doesn’t stink of the remnants of primordial ooze, covered with what was once Chanel. Now it’s like Venice in the summer time. Yeah she stinks that bad. Maybe she can’t bathe cause she’ll melt? It’s a theory. I might try it next time, though holy water should be the liquid of choice. Or Merlot. Nah, can’t even waste Merlot on her….

Anyways, enough talk of the Anti-Christ, it just makes me feel even worse. Or is it better? I can never tell because that spark of hate, it’s a spark and that’s something. I’m just too sick to actually do anything constructive about it. By constructive I mean smart. I tend to lose objectivity and my temper quite easily when I feel unwell. Which means acts of vengeance are flown by the seat of my pants brutal but not always thought out enough to reap maximum reward. So that in itself is dissatisfies. I like my revenge served cold, slow, deliberate and calculated, for maximum effect and minimal effort. Oh who the fuck am I trying to kid? If I want maximum revenge, I go to extreme effort, I don’t do things half assed! Meticulously planned and like a good chess game, I’m always thinking 3 moves ahead. The easy part in this is a well planned revenge attack, the initial go to response by the recipient is anger. People are so predictable. Anger is easy to predict and even easier to counter-move. It’s when you’ve stewed and the anger is replaced with cold resolve and strategy there are issues with who will move and how. Fortunately people are dumb and react out if anger pretty much all the time. Angry emails, phone calls or whatever. They are clouded with rage, make stupid threats and live to regret it. Every. Single. Time. Fuckmunchers, then I own you.

Again tangenting, though feeling a little better cause rage is a good way to burn off viral attacks. Or so it seems. But I’m miserable. This is compounded by the fact Mr BmB also has the flu, but it’s the Man Flu. Oh for fuck’s sake, unless you’re bleeding, something is broken or you’re in hospital get your shit together man. Yeah yeah I saw the article, poorly written with no peer-reviewed sources, suggesting Man Flu is a real thing. That evolutionary wise women are physiologically the stronger sex because we pop out the kids. But honestly? Fuck that shit, I’m not buying. The flu is the flu, regardless of gender and if I’m well enough to be dealing with our spawn, then so are you. But by Christ if you infect one and I have to deal with a sick child, or 4 and Mr BmB, I’m going with death in this one. Because I just know it’s going to be pure torture.

sick child

I know the Mum’s out there are thinking “What the fuck is wrong with this mother, doesn’t she have ANY maternal instinct and how can she bear to see her babies sick”? You know how? Because kids get sick and they can suck it up like the rest of us. I refuse to produce a bunch of whiney children, who turn into whiney adults and basically annoy the fuck out of everyone else. World you’re welcome. They already have no responsibility, have people waiting on them hand and foot and someone to tell them they are going to be fine that they are just sick and will feel better soon. (the doctor). What the fuck more do they need? Yeah cuddles and love and all that warm and fuzzy shit I know, that’s what Mr BmB is for when they are sick. Cause if you think I’m going within transmissible distance of those disease ridden creatures, you’ve totally underestimated my germaphobia. By kid 4 I’m certain it’s mutated just enough I can get reinfected and that can fuck the hell off! Reinfection? That’s even more gross, cause I know where my kids have been. Little cesspools if dirt, germs and disease. No thank you! At least when I get sick randomly I don’t know the source and can think it came from Ms Xanaxy Grumpy Cat and she’s at least living up to some if her supposed potential. Yeah I know, I don’t have the dumbs, I didn’t get the flu from the cat. But since cats get the flu, I choose this option over the random stranger at the wedding I attended over the weekend. Cause that’s a whole other fucking ball of OCD, crazy germaphobia that I really don’t need. I have NO idea who they are, where they are from or what they might have done to catch this bitch of an illness. To deal with those thoughts, I need industrial sized Xanax and since no one will make that for me, no matter how hard I beg, bloody Hippocratic Oath and ethical responsibility, it’s a clusterfuck of “makes me pissed and itchy”.

So I sit here miserably, wallowing in self-pity covered with germs wondering if I can take revenge on the flu. Sure there are antivirals that will kill it dead, but they stockpile those like I do Xanax and I don’t think “cause I wanna teach this fucker virus a lesson it will never forget” is going to get me any. Though it can’t hurt to ask right? My doctor already knows I’m crazy, I’m sure it’s all documented to be used against me in court one day. So this little request wouldn’t be adding too much fuel to the already burning bonfire that is my psychological profile. More fool them I cheated on the tests for funsies. Do they really think people have no clue at the motivation behind certain questions? Or am I the only one who takes it as a challenge to screw them up deliberately just so some psychologist out there feels like their mind is going to explode from all the contradictions?

Yeah they are a game to me. I don’t ever tell them I’m trained in this area, I know pretty much all the tests and with my eidetic memory I can even score it as I go. No fun in that. I most well use this skill to make someone else’s day just that bit more colourful. That I do…. To have multiple confounding tests is a psychologist worst nightmare cause they just can’t box you, tack on a label and treat you. They actually need to think, which is what the 6 plus years of university training ingrained in them not to do. How smart does that several 100k education feel now? The even better part? Totally acing the tests when they refer you on, so they look stupid. What a game.

psychologist

So as you can see, other than having the flu, there really is something wrong with me. What is it? Who the fuck knows cause I’m not ever taking a standardized test properly, why should I? Until they become smarter than I am or some psychologist pleb works out that I’m just screwing with them for fun, it’s a great game to play.

And I do fuck testing for fun. I’ve scored it before they even get it back. Borderline everything. Not ever enough for a full-blown diagnosis of anything, no labels thanks, but so close they have to itch at the amount of “this criteria” traits I have. You name it, I can produce a borderline score in it on any test I’ve sighted once. If I haven’t cause it’s new?  “Maybe we can save that for next time? I just don’t feel up for it today”. I’ll see you after I’ve had a chance to read through the manual, the score sheet and it’s safely lodged in my noggin. Idiots. The glory of a eidetic memory right there.

Yeah it’s my job to read manuals, administer tests and score them. So knowing what to put where so NOTHING actually fits but you’re sub threshold everything basically, it’s golden. Even better if they are fool enough and unprofessional enough to score it in front of you. I’ve only been caught once and an IQ test was suggested. Been there, done that, not telling so you can guess. Wanna play hot and cold?

Kudos to the psychologist who caught me though, she is my idol. Granted she is exceptional and had the inside advantage of knowing me personally/professionally first, so she knew exactly what she was doing. I was a willing participant because I needed know if she would catch me, can’t idolise someone who is dumber than you are. Plus a free IQ test? Score! Figuratively and literally… Still willing to play hot and cold when people ask. Ha! The looks on their faces when I offer that. Exactly 4 people in this world know my actual IQ including the person who scored the test and myself…. The others can remain a mystery. Makes you itchy right? Good!

psyc score sheet

I should point out here that I actually don’t CHOOSE WILLINGLY to waste professionals time. I understand there are people out there with real mental health issues and they need to be seen, and pronto at that. But it’s always fun to mess with the new grad who’s under supervision or the one they hand off the not so important cases too. I’m actually saving someone with real issues from these amateurs. All I need is a script and I’m on my way. It’s that simple. Just the process is a pain in the ass (I’m not in charge of the process, so the blame falls elsewhere), so I most well be a pain in the ass too. Circle if life.

Now back to seeing if I can score me some antivirals. They better hope the music while I’m on hold is better than last time, or I’m going in to share my germs!

germs

It's Not Me, It Really IS You.

Today I sit here jobless. Yes, you read that right, jobless. Now I know you’re thinking it’s cause I spend far too many work hours blogging and shopping and not enough hours working. While all technically true, this is not the reason for my state today. No the company hasn’t been downsized and I sure as shit wasn’t fired. No one is that dumb…. Yet.

Nope. Yesterday I had to have that conversation. You know the one I mean, the one where you break up with your employer, because let’s face it, you got a better offer. So the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” thing is really hard to pull off. Because as sure as shit as the sun does rise, it really is all about them.

Before you start scratching your head and think BmB you always say it’s ALWAYS about you. It indeed is ultimately about me, but what they couldn’t do for me. So it was about them, in a twisted way, that was about me. You following?
its you meme

(Yes I’m aware this meme is used out of context and no I don’t give a fuck you elitest memeist bastards)

Now the breakup conversation is never an easy one to have, well not when it comes to work. With people its far easier, because lets face it once you kick that fucker to the curb you have no intention of ever laying eyes on them again, so essentially you can say whatever the fuck you want. Lay it all out on the table, from how they are dumb, poor in the sack, lack motivation to just downright make your skin crawl.

See that was always the clear indicator for me that it was time to break up, the skin crawling and pure hate at the thought of them. Wow I can hear you thinking, that’s a lot of time and investment to them find that out. Well no not really, because all I had to do was find ONE teeny thing that annoyed me, give me 12 hours and then I couldn’t even stomach the sight of them. It was a weird and wonderful thing. I do feel bad, well not really cause they were annoying as fuck, for the guys that in the past I had to break up with. Let’s face it, I can be honest at the best of times, but if you think a breakup is a negotiation and I’m taking “I can change” as a reason to stay with you, things are going to go downhill rather rapidly. Due to the fact by this point I’ve already made up my mind, limited back on the contact (easing you during the past 6 hours) and trying in the nicest way to let you know I’d rather live in a cage with creepy soulless eye birds than be with you any longer.

creepy_birds_with_arms_photo_manipulations_640_21-e1308940691266

I do appreciate that this quick judgment call generally came out of the blue, trotting along fine and then BAM “the thing” would pop up and you were instantly red carded. The BAM thing is normally something pretty innocuous too, but in my mind once spotted it’s a total deal breaker and repulsive. Like bad teeth, no offence to bad teeth, I just can’t go there. It may be the years of braces I endured, I don’t know but deal breaker. Though not being a huge sports fan that might mean you get to play again at some later point if it’s a red card? In my land? That means you are banished from my life, purged from my memory and if I ever see you again, I will honestly not remember you.

The only exception to this is the longest relationship I had before Mr BmB, which was several years, yeah I recognise him when I see him, though I’m not letting on. Asshat told me in a fit of rage that I could be replaced easily, over a decade later, how is that single life working out for you? You really did have the chance to cut the umbilical cord with Mummy, but refused. I hear you still live together. All types of healthy. Ha! Sucker…. And to top it all off those kids you wanted and I said I didn’t, turns out it was just with you… I have 4 now, close to that soccer team you always wanted. Oh the burn. You hate me? I know and great…. Cause I’m the one that got away and I’m IRREPLACEABLE fucker.

Turns out that was a bastard thing to be wrong about. I’m an impressive yardstick and I have no issues saying that. I’m the total package, brains, looks, motivation and earning capacity. I’m also sociopathic, narcissistic, OCD and a few other weird and wonderful things all thrown in. So I’m just awesome on a bad day, very awesome on a good day and on my best days so fucking awesome, you need sunglasses to look at me. I’m also extremely modest. But anyways, lets forget about Mr ex BmB because seriously he’s really not worth the time. Let just call him Mr Average, in every way and leave it at that.

mr average

So the breakup with the employer. Well obviously the first step in this process is an email, outlining your position. I really cannot handle tears and don’t want begging or negotiation tactics as I’m trying to make a clean break. So it all gets written down very matter of fact first and upfront. Plus we all know this all needs to go in writing anyway, so that’s that solved. Then you wait. You get the inevitable reply that says “we are gathering the team, let’s have a Skype meeting”. NEVER NEVER NEVER actually go to the office location for this meeting. It’s just a bad move. At least over the computer you can see your own facial expressions, your body language, moderate them and disconnect the call if things get whiney. In person, well that’s a whole other matter. A matter that I really am good at but push the wrong button and I can storm out, well like a Boba Fett shooting everyone who crosses my path. I generally wear a very good mask, I’ve been trained that way and I also have all the awesome personality quirks that add to this ability. Though if you really irritate me and begging, I snap and WILL do that in an instant, then out comes the honest to god, no holes barred truth. Not so good when trying to maintain professional networks and not really set all the bridges in the room on fire.

This was a lucky break for me because the project they had me working on for the last year, which I was constantly pointing out was floored and not worth my time, got scrapped in Skype meeting for having “no real merit”. Well other than the ridiculous funding the government was providing them for it. Well knock me down with a fucking feather, I’d been saying this for a year and trying to make it work and could come up with nothing. If you actually know me, you’d know this is an anomaly, I can generally make anything work with a bit of out the box thinking. This project? Nope, no out of the box thinking would make it work and it was the reason for my leaving. The idea of having MY name on something this obviously shithouse was never going to happen? To have them then say it, after wasting my time and I would have ended them then and there. Thank god for head hunters eh?

end you

Yes, I was head hunted. Not the bad kind, I get to keep my head, that in itself is a bonus. There is also no cannibalism involved, so even better. Even better than that is I get to choose my project, my team and basically run shit. I’m now in charge. This suits me perfectly. I think when picking my team I might take the leaf out of a friend on mines book,dump half the CV’s in the bin, at random, just because I don’t work with unlucky cunts. I will also then pick one up at random and they will be my second in charge, because they are so lucky they got unlucky and then picked back up. That has to be a winner right there. So if you’re ever wondering how CV’s are screened, there you have it.

So for a week I’m jobless. Well not really, I’m on retainer. I’m just sitting here waiting for the paperwork to go through and then I’m on to it. I’m not sure if new employer knows exactly what they are in for, I have worked with a few of them before, many moons ago but I’ve evolved since then. So hopefully they are up for the challenge. I also hope my new boss’s, boss’s, boss is not too attached to their job, because it will be mine. Give it 3 years if I walk the line carefully, which I will and produce the results I know I can, then they’d better be looking to upgrade by that point. Where too though? Maybe I’m shooting too low. I’ll need to look into that. Or maybe I’ll just search for random omens as to where I should end up, at least for this week, that could be fun. See a pink car? Stripper.

random omen

Thought till then I have time to kill, opinions to rant and a lot of time to think, plot and plan. This never happens. It’s disastrous over the small period of a weekend. So a whole week and the universe as we know it could be changed forever. Watch this space. I have a religion piece I’m currently working on for you, not the boring bible bashing (either over your head or bashing the bible or other religious texts) but a nice little delve into the world of comparative religion, intolerance and the corruption of the church by man. That’s all I’ll say on that, I’m not sure where it will end up, but sure as shit there will be hate mail sent. Same rules apply send to Mr BmB with head and body shots, no filter and I’ll get to you based on my rating system.

Feel free to send me some suggestions or questions about anything really. Like I said, I’m jobless for a week. Want me to piss someone off for you or do some internet trolling for sport ? I can always do that, just for fun!

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You!

Well fuck me drunk, well not literally cause A. I don’t really drink and because B. I’m pretty sure Mr BmB might have something to say about it. Though feel free to email him and ask. Please send a full body picture and a close up head shot. No filters please, just think like you’re applying for Next Top Model or something. I’ll get back to you after I’ve finished my rating system.

Well we all know my absolute rage over FB messenger. The invasion if privacy ect ect and we all know we heard the pacifying words of FB and related app developers “these are standard”, “they are nothing new”, “it’s part of any standard user agreement” and my personal favourite, cause it’s always going to bite you in the ass “nothing bad is going to happen”….. Well guess what mother fuckers? It’s happened and before the predicted schedule. There are some VERY unhappy, nude, celebrities out there. Bummer. You allow people unvetted access to your phone, your iCloud or whatever else means of storage they have to gather, collect and keep your personal data and it’s going to bite you in the ass. And not the good kind you pay good money for. The kind that has celebrities issuing denial, reps going mental and litigators counting the money that they are about to make. Guess what dear reader, welcome to the day that the celebrity nude photo bomb hit the world.

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Ok so we all hear the denials. Yeah they are utter bullshit, let’s be blunt, cause ain’t nobody owning that up front. Though maybe JLaw did? She’s actually the cool type of crazy that would. Honestly I didn’t care enough to read the stories, through the tears of laughter it was just too much. Though if you did good on you girl. The rest though, frenzied denial and I bet almost every app they have given permission to access their phone or iCloud account has now been banished.

http://m.smh.com.au/lifestyle/celebrity/nude-photos-of-jennifer-lawrence-and-other-celebs-posted-by-hackers-20140901-10b2jo.html

Link fixed… But really you have better things to be searching for!

Too little, too late and I hate to tell you this, but I will. I told you so. Actually I have a dance that goes with that…. I just did it, the I told you so dance. Fuck that felt great. Unfortunately for everyone, while I did it nude, my phone was in the other room so won’t be hitting Vivid entertainment anytime soon. Just like all those naked photos I’ve always refuse to take, like ever, because this shit always bites you in the ass. If there are any pictures of me naked they are stored safely in the brains of the people I have given permission to see me naked. Though generally being men, I’m sure they remember the touch more than the visuals. So while I might not be famous, or I might be, who really knows eh? There will be no naked pictures or videos of me floating around in the internet. Like I said it costs 3 carrots of diamonds to get that and I’m pretty sure Vivid is charging far less than that.

Which brings me back to my initial outrage and gloating. My position was and always has been, just because we accept it, it doesn’t make it right. Today this was proven in the most fucking epic way that I’m sure will leave a lot of men curiously preoccupied for the next coming days and some random bouts of tennis elbow.

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See something was hacked. I’m betting iCloud. You know why? Cause with such large numbers and such a squeaky clean profile, while everyone was pointing fingers at FaceBookCunts, someone got smart. They attacked the main competition for app approval protocol. I shouldn’t cheer this as many a persons private pictures ect have been violated but if you fucken take naked pictures, allow apps to access your phone and are even dumb enough to upload to iCloud, well really you just were begging for it. So I’m laughing and laughing so hard I’m crying. I feel no pity because it was your stupid ass self that put you in this predicament to start with.

So then the “normal” people out there are likely thinking “well I’m safe, I’m not famous”. Oh how ignorance is bliss. Do you really think they just targeted certain individuals or went all in and sorted out what was worthwhile and what wasn’t? Too time-consuming. So smart money is on the latter and they took all they could . So yep, you too, if you’ve been dumb enough to have a naked selfie on your phone, send one to another person or have it on the cloud. You’ve also likely been violated too. Feelin good right about now? Time for a bleach bath perhaps. Because even if you don’t hit mainstream internet, you’re going to hit the internet somewhere. You just have no idea where. God you better hope your boss isn’t the total depraved kind, which is likely a stretch since most of us are. Are you going to be able to look your colleagues in the eye tomorrow? Hold your head up high? Live in blissful ignorance any longer? Sure as shit that bubble has burst by now right?

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So while you contemplate all of this, I continue my naked I told you so dance away from prying eyes and gloat from a position of steadfast knowing no naked anything of me exists anywhere, swear to god or whomever you like. I ask you reader, just because it IS the done thing, should it be? Or have you changed your stance on that now?

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Isn’t life a bitch when I’m right… Which is always. Hindsight is even a bigger bitch.