Today Is Brought To You By The Word Effort.

Don’t you hate it when you are just having a total fucking uninspirational day? You know when nothing seems exciting, nothing seems shiny (even diamonds) and everything just seems like far too much fucking effort? Well I’m having one of those days today but here I am sitting here torturing myself trying to come up with things to say and not let you my loyal fickle reader down. You’re fucking welcome. I have a feeling this is my body’s way of trying to entice me into another piece of cake or something else, which actual simple sugar composition would have me back on another epic sugar high. My body is tricky like that, it thinks it knows better than my brain, though my brain IS technically part of my body, so maybe they have a point. The only thing that is stopping me from going on another carb binge, well other than the possibility of death, is the total clusterfuck that is the come down. It starts with the mother of all headaches, I become THE bitch from hell, not to be confused with the bitch I am normally who is also from hell and I’m MEAN. Like REALLY mean and there doesn’t need to be a reason for it. It just is. Normally when I’m mean, there is a damn good reason and it’s because you’ve managed to piss me off. The sugar high come down type of mean might just happen because I don’t like the way the new set of forks I bought look. They make epic projectiles and even more dangerous weapons. So if you ever come to our house and wonder why the cutlery draw is padlocked shut, it’s because I’ve had sugar in the past 12 hours and MrBmB has had to take precautionary measures. Because at times like that I really would cut someone.

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So I’m sitting here, again still waiting for Thursday to roll around and for work to begin. Children’s TV is on in the background and again I’m convinced that people who produce children’s TV shows have to be on some really really good drugs. This shit is so fucking off the wall, as an adult it makes no sense to me, how is my 17 month old going to understand? Or maybe that’s the ruse, they know the kids aren’t going to understand it and honestly he parents aren’t going to watch it, so why both have it make fucking sense? In The Night Garden is currently on, there are characters like Iggle Piggle, Upsy Daisy, Maka Paka, Tombliboos, they live in a Ninkynonk (glorified camper van) and drink Pinkyponk juice. I challenge anyone to tell me that there isn’t some heavy drug use in the creation of these things. Fuck hand me the Pinkyponk Juice, I think I might just try a swig of that shit. Sugar avoidance be dammed!

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I also know that I have to go to the grocery store today, which is also pissing me off no end. For two reasons. ALL the beautiful carb laden foods that are just sitting there taunting me, tempting me and making me question how bad a coma might be. It’s just like a really long sleep right? Hell I could do with a sleep in, it really doesn’t seem that bad. Though I would have to end up in hospital and they are full of germs. I’m sure as soon as my comatose body hit the doors of the Emergency Room, I would wake up in a panicked germaphobe state and start screaming at the medical professionals “unclean, unclean”. Hopefully they would write this off as the sugar talking and not my total lunacy, cause that would end me up in another totally different hospital. But as sure as they cut open that golden goose, I’d be off of the gurney and running for my life from all those germs, super bugs and anything else I might be able to catch on the way through. Do you think if I flip out enough that the ER doc would write me a huge Valium prescription in the parking lot, wearing gloves, after using the alcohol rub? Because that just might work for me and I need to jot this down just in cause I ever decide I need more Valium, they won’t give me Xanax I’ve been blacklisted, for future reference. I really need a “for future reference” journal that I put all this shit in, it really would be handy. Though then I’d need to leave a note to remind me where I had left the journal and notes as to where I’d left the notes. Actually it would be like a treasure hunt. With no real treasure. Nope, no dice, gotta be shiny and diamond’s involved for it to be a treasure hunt. Oh the second reason is people btw.

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They say diamonds are a girls best friend. I have to agree to a point and then also to disagree because while I DO love them, I would also argue designer handbags are also a girls best friend. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and invest FAR too much of our (by our I mean my.. what’s mine is mine and what’s his is mine) money in them. Notice I say invest, because to  spend would be wasteful, but investing means that I one day will get some money back. I would suggest it wouldn’t be what I paid, though I NEVER pay full retail, but the enjoyment I get for them would make up for the shortfall. The poor guy that marries Miss 4 is in for a real treat. I don’t think she thinks handbags come in any other variety other than designer. If it doesn’t have a Chanel, Jimmy, Louis, Givinchey, YSL, Stella, Prada, Burberry, Gucci, Fendi, Versace or Mulberry in the title, then she won’t believe it’s actually a real bag. It will be a sack to carry potato’s. Though fortunately for the future daughter in laws, or unfortunately cause they will have me for a mother in law, sons’ all think the same way. So those girls are in for a treat!

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Do you ever, if you’re a parent, wonder what  kind of In law you are going to make? See I have no idea and I’ve actually given this a lot of thought. I could be the worst kind, worse than my MIL. Well maybe? I’m certainly crazy, but she is evil. Could my actual level of crazy lend me to be an equivalent amount of crazy to her evil, toward my future children in law? Because man if it could, then I really would advise them not to marry my kids and stay the fuck away. Though that in itself seems a lot like my mother in law. Or I might be the exact opposite and take them into my nurturing arms and treat them like my own children. Ahh fuck then they are in trouble then too, cause while I love my kids and they know it and nurture well, its not all hugs and cuddles and kisses. Like I’ve said before they are disease riddle little petrie dishes and that makes me all types of itchy. So we settle for spoony cuddles so they aren’t breathing on me, no one can breathe on me, fuck I hate that. Kisses to the cheeks and forehead cause I’m not sharing spit, ugh! Lots of encouraging pats on the heads and back pats. I have mainly boys so I can get away with this. Plus MrBmB is über tactile, so what I lack in tactile he makes up for in spades. In fact he pretty much makes them more needy for it. Can’t have that. A daughter who is needy for physical attention is just a prostitute waiting to happen. Lucky for her she is gorgeous, no I don’t have Mummy goggles on, so she can settle for being a model. No need to sink to stripper or prostitute level for attention. She at 4, literally stops traffic and is always being told how pretty she is, so she know it too. So she has the diva attitude to match. With my genetics who am I kidding, it’s going to take one hell of a man to tame that one. Good-luck with that. MrBmB is still trying. I sense some serious issues when she is a teenage about who is the alpha female in this house and MrBmB having a total soft spot for her is going to be no use. I just repeat the words “princess bitch face syndrome”, “do you want her to become your sister” or even worse “do you want her to be a mini-MrsBmb” whenever she tries to manipulate him. Of course he’s still not listening, but once she hits 12, cause we all know that’s the age that girls turn into hormonal balls of crazy, then she is all his, cause I warned him. Don’t come to me begging for help.

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Holy shit the day just got brighter, I just got a delivery and it’s alcohol. Good wine to be exact. I kind of won, more like tied, a bet and this is my prize. Mount Mary Quintet x 6 bottles. Now the real struggle is going to be trying not to drink them. These ARE really investment wines, they are already a good plonk, but give them 5 years and they will be exceptional. But they look really really tempting. The same section of my brain that entices me into the carbs and had me purchase 6, yes 6, Phone 6’s is calling out to me to just give one a try. The issue is you can’t just have a drop, you have to drink the whole bottle and I’m not sharing with MrBmB. It’s after midday and midweek, so drinking is acceptable. But should I? Or should I hold out on the investments. I have 6 times, one per bottle, to make this decision and I have a feeling the investment card isn’t going to win out on this one for at least one of the bottles. Then it will have to be 2 cause they NEED to be in even numbers. Though on second thoughts, I could just purchase a bottle and keep the rest there and no harm, no foul and no one wold be any the wiser. Where the fuck did I put that ideas journal? Did I even start one? Argh!

I really should be reading through CV’s picking at who I’m going to have on my research team for this project for my new job. They have already been vetted by someone under me, so I know they all meet some specific standards and are also colour coded in their area of strengths, so I know I have all bases covered. I think I will just pick 6-12 at random, 2 of each colour code and put the rest  in the bin. As a friend once advised me, do this cause you should never work with unlucky cunts. I will then go one step further and pull a random file out of the bin, they are now a really lucky cunt and put them as second in charge. They will displace one of the same colour code, who in all actuality is an unlucky cunt, a really unlucky one. I just really hope that there are not too many women in that pile of researchers I end up with, because I hate women, they are bitches. I don’t get along with other bitches, because at some point they decide they want to be me and they just can’t so we end up in the imitation is the sincerest form of flattery territory and we all know how that ends. Hey did I even ever publish that blog or just write it? I actually think I just wrote it. So hey, something for you to look forward to I guess, if I can find it…. Why the fuck am I SO disorganised with OCD? It’s like my compulsion is to torture myself by driving myself batty by forgetting things. Don’t ever assume this comes to my work, stats or anything I’ve read, eidetic memory, so it all gets stored there for better or for worse. Which is another reason why I hate reading dumb things on the internet, cause they are stuck in my brain for life?! No one knows exactly how much memory  we actually have, but I’m going to assume it’s finite and as sure as shit the stuff I want to remember later will get pushed out for the useless and stupid crap that’s in there. Though I hope Spider Dog is in there for eternity cause that thing is gold.

On that note, I’m going to go and rewatch Spider Dog and see if I can find that imitation post… Wherever it may be….

Mondayitis AND a Carb Infusion

I’m going to start this post with “the warning”… If you love me for the cats and/or the actual intellectual blogs this one really isn’t for you!

So I woke up this morning, well MrBmB woke me up cause I really hate mornings, like more than Garfield. I rolled over in the bed, yeah I don’t sleep in a coffin surprise eh? The first word out of my mouth “Fuck is it Friday?” Now I have no idea why I think it’s Friday and why this would be a bad thing, seriously Friday’s are the start to almost to the weekend. MrBmB looks at me like I’ve lost my marbles, I’m sure in 10 years of marriage it’s actually the dumbest thing I’ve said to him outside “I do” and “Let’s have a fourth”. Ummm, no he informs me it’s Monday. My response? Well fuck that’s not going to work for me. Now I have NO fucking clue what that actually means, why it’s not working for me or even why I had this conversation. Four coffee’s in and a HUGE piece of left over chocolate birthday cake (sorry master 3 it’s all gone now, you will have to wait till your official party next weekend) and it’s still as clear as a poor quality diamond. Totally flawed and full of inclusions that make it useless. This is going to be a really interesting day, I can tell that already.

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So the sugar rush has hit my body and while yeah yeah as a diabetic it’s not strictly approved, or even suggested, you could go as far as say it’s actually a big no-no, at this point I really don’t give a flying fuck. You know why? Cause I’m hight as a kite on fucking sugar and caffeine. Both of these legal substances, both with incapacitate my facilities to outside normal working parameters and make me all types of awesome depending on whether you are my friend or foe in the moment. It really is a moment thing too. It can change in an instant. Any good friend of mine will tell you I can be exceptionally blunt and honest and with no tact and another can tell you I’m so bloody hilarious. It’s lucky  I haven’t pulled any stunts that have gotten me arrested. The difference between friend 1 and friend 2? One tried to get it in my way, the other either was wise enough to not get in my way or joined in. I’m not really sure my recollection of said events is fuzzy at best and that’s the defence my legal team tells me to stick to. Diminished capacity, you can be a great thing when it comes to medical conditions of non life threatening well-managed conditions like my diabetes. well unless you eat too much cake.

Though as always the boobs always help. Fact of life, ladies you really need to capitalise on this, guys, keep falling for it. Idiots. They are fat sacks attached to a woman’s chest, like your belly but with nipples. HOW and WHY are they so attractive? I’ll never get it. I’m sure it comes down to breast-feeding or not breastfeeding. Equally to blame. It’s weird though cause I don’t have a penis and I don’t really want to touch one all of the time, ill I don’t even want one. But I bet if you offered a guy retractable boobs he could play with whenever he wants, the market would go through the roof. I really need to jot that down as a future invention. Not sure how it works, or how to do it, but that’s what other people are for. I’m the ideas person. To all the future men who get retractable boobs, you’re welcome and likely paid for my Aston Martin.

Anyways back to that cake high, high as a frigging kite and no, not the Jewish festival of kites that was the past weekend. That actually sounds like all kinds of fun, until you imagine the amount of string, the amount of bodies and the potential for one giant human knot. It would be like a PG version of the hum a centipede. Well no not really, cause that was creepy and disgusting as all fuck. Who they hell thinks up this shit? Do they really function ok in society or should we all be really afraid of them? As a Psychologist, I really am not sure a normal adult imagination has that kind of thought processes, unless diabetic and high on cake. But this is Hollywood, so I guess the correct assumption is that they are pretty much high on everything. Still it concerns me, they have this thought, write it all down in meticulous detail and it becomes a script. Is there a huge difference between a script and a manifesto? Other than one is turned into a movie? The you get the copycat’s who see the movie and are actually really fucked up, maybe not on drugs, but just in general and you’ve given them this great new purpose to live. Yeah see, I’m not convinced as “entertaining” as movies like this are they are actually helpful for society, mental health issues, desensitisation of violence and like an instruction guide on how to get real infamous really quick. I also question people who GENUINELY like watching sick shit like this, what the fuck is wrong with you? Doesn’t it make you sick to the stomach? Do you not have an empathy button? I’m a sociopath and I still can’t watch them. So welcome to all the REAL psychopaths out there!

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I’m also sitting here looking at Magnus. I love this bird, he really  does a good job at collecting eyeballs, though his eyes are still as creepy as fuck so we have a “no direct eye contact rule” like the rule MrBmB and I have during sex. But off topic. I think I may have wasted his talents, he obviously likes shiny thing, so why did I limit him to eyeballs? Why did I not train him to pilfer diamonds and other shiny jewellery? Now is it really stealing if your bird takes it and you have no idea where it came from? Strolling into the local police station saying “My bird stole this and I’d like to return it” will likely end me up in a padded room, which I imagine is just like an adult jumping castle. So I really don’t know what all the fuss is about. The straight jacket would do me in, very claustrophobic, but I’m sure I could chew my way out of one or at least convince a guard to let me out of it. I might be crazy, but I’m not physically dangerous, I have people for that. I have a person for everything and if I don’t  have one I sure as shit can find one. If you work for me, it’s amazing the things your job description can entail if you piss me off enough. See people don’t read the fine print in contracts and they really trust you if you say “take it away and get legal advice, you have said 4 days”. They never bother to get it checked and in there is some clause that has if you piss me off in some way your get chosen as the lucky one to do something purposeless in the Yukon, in the dead of winter for 3 months, just because I asked. If you refuse you need to pay back your last years salary and your fired. You will be when you get back anyway. See always read the fine print, it will get you every time.

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That leads me to the movie the wizard of Oz. What the hell kind of movie was that? Emerald City, Ruby slippers and a poppy (i.e. opium) field that will make you sleep. Why no diamonds? Were they too expensive to include in the budget, not colourful enough? Why couldn’t she have worn pink diamond shoes? Though I guess she’d want to stay in Oz, cause who int their fucking right mind would hand them back willingly to go and live on a farm? Sure as shit not me. Hell I’d pay diamond slippers to get OFF the damn farm!

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Then there is the whole smell the poppies and you fall asleep. Ok so you’re so buzzed that you have a nod, but no one moves you, so why do you not OD? My next question is, if you are only smelling it then how the fuck do you get high? I’ve tried smelling poppies for several hours straight and all I got was a really bad case of hay fever. Though the meds to cure that are pretty good. Well nope they aren’t really but when mixed with other shit, not so bad.  Benadryl is in that pink party drink right? That shit is bad, don’t go there. Let me take that from you, I’ll save your life. You’re bloody welcome! Though seriously when celebrities are abusing over the counter drugs, there is either a massive drug shortage or they are being cheap asses. Or maybe it really is just that good? I’m still all for the experience of snorting coke off he ass of a hooker (a clean one). That’s got to go on the bucket list, as do Quaaludes. Though I’m not actually sure there are any in existence any more, the 1970’s or 1980’s have a lot to answer for in banning them! Xanax is like Tylenol in comparison to them. They would make a fortune, I call for a relaunch. I’m sure they could make them “safer”, though to be fair nothing is idiot proof, but that’s more a natural selection issue.

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I really think stupid is natures way of implementing natural selection, though it has gone a little wonky. I seems that the most educated people, who you could argue are the smartest as a general rule because they actually were able to be educated (not knocking the smart people who lacked the opportunity for eduction, I’m sure you landed on your feet somewhere cause well your smart) either hold off on having kids, or don’t have as many or any at all. The issue with later in life procreation is egg quality, so the smarts are lessened and they don’t produce enough children to make up for the dumbs of the world. You know the ones (again without generalizing) that have 20 kids, aren’t catholic, to 23 different fathers and live on benefits. Or are just dumb people in general. Psychological studies show that this pattern will repeat itself. Oh my fucking god, what if natural selection is to get RID of all the smart people? That we’ve got to the point where we need to devolve as a civilisation to move over for a better one. Let’s face it this one is pretty crap, we all have issues, live lives fucked up with anxiety and depression and basically have people that are either useless and waste oxygen or horrible criminals. What if are entering the “dumb” plague? We had the black death, dinosaurs froze to death and other civilisations just got wiped off the face of the earth. Maybe they were taken by aliens but the more plausible reason is they died out from disease, not sure what happened to the bodies, they were jungle civilisations, so they likely got eaten by some random animal. We are too smart for all of these things to happen to us, even if we were to sink, most of us can swim and own boats, unlike Atlantis and I’m sure we could float and create food. What if the end of this civilisation IS THE DUMBS? I think I’m on to something here… And now I’m terrified. Every dumb person I come across I will see as the end of my future and my kids future and rather than just hating them, I’m going to fear them and any spawn they may produce for the next 10 generations. So if I run screaming from you, you will know why!

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Why is it as I sit here, I’m getting Twitter updates, as in conversations, I’m not part of that involve teenage dramas. No Takeshi I really don’t care that Damon slept with Harmony and that he’s supposed to be your boyfriend. I really don’t care about your opinion on it Tom, Dick, Harry or Leon. I really don’t. Please fuck off and take it to IM (does that still exist?) or FBC or something. While I now hate my iPhone 5, I’ve got a 6 with my name on it, not even it deserves this. Maybe you could continue the conversation when the iWatch comes out on it, if it has that ability? Cause as floored as my 5 now is and as much as the sight of it makes me shudder, it has served me well, been dropped a few dozen times and never needed a fix, so I owe it some loyalty until my 6 gets here in 5 days. Then it will be banished to the old iPhone draw, yes we have one, that is near full and never thought of again. Though you will always be special cause you were my first gold one. So at least it can rest in peace knowing that! You think it will be ok with that? Hell I might even keep it locked in the safe with all the other old iPhones, we have one of each model, in 200 years they will be relics and I’m sure worth a fortune. So future generations you are welcome for my foresight.

I’m also sitting here with kids programs playing in the background. I’m kind of listening, I work with kid as a living, so it’s as close to work as I’m going to get till Thursday. I really think they are in on the dumb conspiracy. Seriously. How many versions of “the little train that could” are there? It’s like the Golden Goose all over again, without the real horror. Though I did just hear the presenter ask “is your Mother Iguana?” And she was talking to a teddy bear. Umm what the fuck? Its kids, daytime tv and all the school aged children are in school, so this is for an audience of 4 and under. Do they even know what an Iguana is? All they have told me is they can run and up trees. Do they drop Iguana out at you too? I’m not actually sure this is scientifically correct. I would think they would be too big to climb trees? Maybe I’m wrong. But hell if you’re going to scare the fuck out of small kids they should be talking about massive carpet snakes and how they live in the roof’s of houses and can come down and constrict you in your sleep. At least you are teaching them an important life lesson and maybe how to stay alive just in case of a random carpet snake attack.

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This brings me to the latest episode of Dr Who. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Peter Capaldi? How much I have hated Dr Who in the past but over the last 4 episodes, I’ve become a total convert. DON’T JUDGE ME! Let’s not go as far as to say fan, cause the rest of the episodes are frankly crap and the story lines written by people who took some great drugs, maybe that’s where all the Quaaludes went and they ran out? These story lines seem to make a lot more sense, well it’s relative really, I’m not saying they make complete sense but some is better than none. That’s not a philosophy I normally prescribe to. All is better than none is normally how I roll, but in this case I will take what I can get. I know the new Dr is being panned but I think it’s cause he is old and actually entertaining as opposed to having weird hair or a weird face and he can actually act. Or maybe he has a “House” like quality that I am drawn too, kinda cooky and random. Maybe it’s the accent? I really like this. Clara? Well since the only yardstick I actually have is Rose, I’ll take her too. She seems to be ok. I wouldn’t like her in real life, but hell it’s tv and not real life, so I treat it that way.

Gosh could you imagine if Dr Who was real life or an integral part of your life? My mind boggles. The Whovians, the Treckies, The Starwarzians (?) and anyone who coverts Marvel or whatever that other comic franchise is. I forget, I don’t care. All I care about it Chris Hemsworth looks HOT with no shirt on. So it works for me. It’s like Divergent, terrible books, terrible movie but I’d leave MrBmB in a heartbeat for Theo James! He knows this and is cool with it, I think. Maybe cool is overstating things, he is accepting? Maybe not even that, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to stop me getting naked with that guy, so its begrudging acceptance. Which I think is fair. I don’t think he thinks I’ll ever meet him in real life, he underestimates me. I also thinks that I wouldn’t be able to get him naked. HAHAHAHAHA! would take me 5 seconds maximum. Promise. I’m really, really a 9!

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Ok on that note I’m going in search for more sweet things before the crash hits, the headache has started and Mr Grumpy Cat just took a dump (right on schedule) right next to my computer in her litter box. So all I will end with it, fuck I wish it WAS Friday!

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Who Gave Permission For This?

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I DIDN’T download it but it’s there. How does this happen? Oh whenever they can do as they fucking please. I don’t care if it’s free, if I wanted it I’d have paid for it.

All kinds of pissed. See abusing permissions already.

Fuck you Apple!

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No Pictures For You!

***warning this is NOT a cat blog. If you’re here for the cat or my jokes and not my ranting personality retreat NOW! Otherwise you will end up disliking me and trust me, you want to like me!

You know I’m pissed when adding pictures is too much effort for you dear reader and with this post you get nada, because you don’t fucking deserve them! You all know I’m coming off a 48 hour no sleep epic bender and still you give me shit. Oh for fucks sake, you’re actually right that’s no excuse. It’s a bloody good reason though! My brain is literally a mush of refreshes on the Apple store.

Wowzers didn’t I get the fuck blasted out of me yesterday for not writing a vitriolic raging, rambling sordid twisted cunt of a blog yesterday! No exaggeration!

Apparently my way with dropping fucking curse words as sentence enhancers is what you all bloody well want. Well screw you and your mass contradictions! First you fucking hate me for calling Facebook cunts, well cunts. You go ballistic that little old me dropped the cunt bomb on my blog. How unclassy, how unlady like and some of you asshats even think I’m a dude in disguise. Well these boobs are some bloody fucking epic disguise. Since they aren’t removable or put there by a surgeon, it’s a pretty big fuck you bastard of a disguise. I tell you, I like dudes except for the weird-looking junk , but I’m not a fucking guy and the next person to suggest it? I really will fucking cut. Literally! I have a ceremonial knife ready, purchased second-hand off EBay, just for such a purpose. So the added surprise is the bloody hideous disease you might get from it. You’re welcome! Not that you deserve a surprise today!

You see you lot, yes I’m taking AT you readers, not really TO you, you’re a mindfuck of contradictions. I post a blog about the neurotic glory that is my cat. Perfectly fucken socially acceptable and hell half my followers dig my cat. So why are the rest of you so special you feel the need to whine like baby bitches? It’s what they would call a human interest piece and you all lose your shit at me. I’m being too nice, I’m not being me,  disingenuity and a fuck load of other insulting adjectives.

Someone went as far as to call me normal and a bit boring. Needless to say this pleb has now been purged from all my social media, till the end of fucking time and will never return. Call me anything you like but normal and/or boring or anything similar and you’re dead to me you useless piece of shit! How dare you? Have you not read enough of my blog to know I’m all kinds of crazy? Though call me anything else either and I’m coming after you too. I will settle for Queen!

I’m sociopathic, I’m narcissistic, OCD ridden, multiple personalities abound and ramped up to my Xanaxy eyeballs pretty much all the time! You should fucking know this and should damn well know better than to call me names like that cunt. You, FBcunts and Samsung cunts all go on my muppet wall as trophies. That wall is going to fucking full up fast, I’m going to build another, or get another built cause I don’t get my hands dirty, ever! Ruins my manicure. Maybe I’ll model it on the iWatch. Make it ugly, useless, in your face, cheap and totally boring as fuck. That sounds like just the place for you. Actually I might call it the “Muppet iWatch” wall…. Plan.

Note well to self to get into that during business hours. It’s the fucking weekend and I don’t work weekends. Only my underlings do, when I demand they fix some damn first world crisis, that generally involves social media.( I do campaign strongly for the third world issues too on a side note but quietly as it should be. I’m trying to be as selfless as possible) Or my lawyers cause I’ve managed to piss someone off again.

Someone who’s a real nobody but thinks they are somebody. Honestly?! I don’t see the letters or keep up, I have a legal team and a single device that handles all of those. No not cash, a paper shredder. So imagine that as you pay your goddamn lawyer the few hundred bucks an hour to write me your letter. See me shaking? Fuck no, cause you didn’t even get drawn to my attention, my lawyers know fucking better. Otherwise I’d have them spending all day destroying you from the inside out, fucking you sideways and frankly I think they are lazy, not really looking after my best interests. Or maybe it’s just my whims of destruction. Though don’t think by whim they are fleeting, they are etched into my brain for life and one day they will hatch tiny little spawn that will come after you. One day!

So here I am hating on my readers for hating on me, which they are going to bloody hate. Which I should hate but we all know I love a good hater. Hell I managed to piss off 10k Americans with my Gun Control rants and didn’t blink an eye. See I felt the glory of a job well done. That’s how I measure success. Not in monetary terms but in the number of people I can piss off in the shortest amount of time or the number of hateful things said about me. I own you at this point and that’s invaluable. Did I mention I’m building a pool in my haters heads at the moment? It’s got a water slide and all. Oh the fun I will have during Summer.

Though out of all of this, the thing that pissess me off the most? Is The Blitz, I really fucking hate that pube face and he’s remained suspiciously quiet. Now I know he he knows he can’t find me, I’m anonymous and he knows he can’t sue me for opinion backed up with all the photographic evidence that makes him King Of The Little Wiener Douches. But the absolute arrogance to read the blog and to just ignore it. Though to be fair he was likely high, not interested cause he couldn’t get his dick into it and I didn’t write it in dumb. So perhaps he either didn’t understand or just had no real answer for his behaviour or the fact he’s a shit poker player. Like really shit. Minor league batting in the major league. He better kiss his ass goodbye cause one day he’s going to sink in an epic fashion and I predict it will all be over ego and one fucking hand. Likely the one he couldn’t keep out of another guys girlfriend.

Seriously, girls he’s sloppy 1000’s and from what I hear terrible in bed, even if you’re high as a kite and tripping balls. Kermit the frog is a better lay. Though I guess the frog won’t like you full of drugs and buy your fuck all, so you’re winning there. Diamonds, at least me getting diamonds? Ahh who am I kidding, he can’t afford those, it’s more like cubic zirconia’s. Yes you can tell the difference. It’s all about the fire, it’s always about the fire. Trust me, it has to burn.

So there you have it. That enough you fucking fantastic blog readers? Have I insulted you enough yet today so your life is now complete? Or do I need to go harder, faster, better, stronger? Yeah that’s a bloody Daft Punk joke, fucking deal with it.

Till next time, just keep remembering while I appreciate you and you’re all types of fucking fantastic whiney bitches, your also an annoying bunch of potential muppet heads to place on my iWatch wall. So screw you and you’re mother too!

So now I’ve had to take time out of MY precious nap time, while the kids are sleeping off the high that is Master 3’s Birthday, so thanks for stomping shit all over that too. It’s not like he will turn three again. Maybe you can aim to destroy Master 16 months 2nd Birthday in April too? Rude fuckers… Seriously. Though I’m going to eat cake, so on my carb high I’m sure all will be forgiven and you will get the diabetic equivalent of the drunk man “I love you Bro” post or some really weird random, more so than norma gibberish. Trust me, me on a carb high is hilarious. It’s like legal crack and I’m seriously unpredictable and uncontrollable. You’ve been warned and promised!

My Cat IS Molten Evil. I Think I'm Impressed.

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Why good day to you there. Ha! I thought I’d throw you off with that one cause I’m well aware what my blogs normally start with “Do you know what I hate” or “I’m calling today the worst day ever”. I tend to be a little dramatic, well except for the hate because I genuinely do hate the things that I blog about that I hate. Like the iwatch. Like I seriously see that thing and get all types of crazy and they aren’t even being sold yet. Wait till I see people walking down the street wearing them, I’m likely to rip it from their wrist to stomp on it or die laughing. I know the greater population is pulling for the first option, cause let’s face it that would be pretty fucking epic blog! You’ll need to stick around until 2015 for that, so if you’re a commitmentphobe that might be an issue. But really this is a very one-sided relationship, I don’t ask much of you really, all you just have to do is read and feel my rage. So if you can’t commit to this, then yeah there might be some serious issues there. This relationship, other than being a loyal reader, actually has no string for you at all. It’s really like friends with rage benefits. Come on, now that is appealing right? I bet we can work through this together….. Oh what the fuck not even I can pull that off without smiling. If you can commit to a blog, not just not want to, then really get help now or you’re going and up being a Sherpa in the mountains somewhere with about a million goats. Which can surprisingly from a distance look like mini cows. The things you learn.

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Anyways after what were the most taxing 4 days of my life from Apple and then a very intense 48 hours of no sleep, yeah I REALLY had to have a new phone, finally peace was restored in my world. I know you are thinking Jesus Christ she is all kinds of loopy if she stayed up 48 hours to get a phone, but in my defense I was given the wrong time by Apple, I am as stubborn as hell, the OCD had kicked in and Mr BmB was urging me to “let it go for a while”. So you can se why quitting wasn’t an option, even if the other option is the stuff lunacy is made of. We all know I’m just a lunatic on a good day. Now I’m a lunatic with 4 new phones. Yeah don’t ask, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Nice even number, good colour and model spread and all the OCD jazz. So if anyone is after a iPhone 6 Plus 65GB, you’ve found the right place, I have one in every colour. Even I’m shaking my head at this one.

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Which actually brings me back to the topic of this blog, but really with no segway or lead in just because it does. Yeah my 12th grade English teacher wouldn’t be too surprised. We all know my brain is like the Wizard of Oz on crack at the best of times, still kind sleep deprived from no sleep in 48 hours it’s a more like a slowed down version of tripping balls. The thoughts are slower, they are more coherent and a little less off the wall. I guess it makes me as close to normal as I’m ever going to get. Fuck it’s kind boring being normal. I like being crazy, it really puts a spring in my step and makes me feel all narcissistic and fabulous. Normal, well just feels a little dull compared. Like a lazy Sunday afternoon with nothing going on, no plans you just kinda hang around the house pottering. I don’t potter, that’s for old people. I basically can’t sit still, unless I’m sleep sitting. Don’t laugh it happens in meetings all the time.

And of course yesterday I sat kinda still forever, when the fucking Apple store opened 40 minutes late and then it was impossible to put items in your cart to purchase. But I guess I really wasn’t sitting still, I was yelling, throwing thing, crying, refreshing, cussing, stomping my feet and screaming at the computer “go in my cart you mother fucker”. Which is likely why I bought 4, I taught that glitch a lesson. Yeah don’t fuck with me or I’ll give you a huge chunk of money for shit I don’t really don’t need, just on principle.

See I really am loopy because in my mind that makes perfect sense. I really showed them eh? Cause I got FOUR not the maximum 2 they will let you have. See your bug worked in my favour. Well that and the call I put in to my friend at Apple who sorted it all out for me, cause did I mention they wouldn’t go in my fucking cart?

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Anyway, not the topic of today’s blog. I can blog about how mental I am any day. Today is an update on Ms Xanaxy Grumpy Cat, otherwise known as Elliot. She it’s a she, yes I know Elliot is primarily a boy’s name. But I’m a huge Scrubs fan and I just couldn’t resist the possibility if I named my blonde haired (well its white), blue-eyed kitten Elliot, that she would live up to the neurotic that was the Elliot on Scrubs. As far as Grumpy Cat’s go, well to put it kindly she is a huge fucking epic failure. I had visions of being able to pull her out of my handbag, have her give someone “the look”, maybe take a swipe and not have to deal with him or her at all. But no, she loves people. I would go as are as to say she is an attention whore. Yep, you read that right, she is an attention whore and isn’t selective at all. She really needs to get some game. She is a fuzzy ball of wanting, needy, meowing and at your feet all the type of love. It’s damn well infuriating, well at least it was. Look, I’d still like to be able to go to the bathroom without her being there but I think that’s strategic on her part. Let me explain.

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She is an evil genius. I kid you not. She is all those things I mentioned, all the time, but then she will do something and you just know you have been played. Like when you finally bend down to give her that pat she has been scream meowing at you for the last 20 minutes for, she will bite you, turn her back and casually walk away. Like it was your fucking idea. Playing hard to get after all that begging, maybe she really does have game!

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Then she sits and waits at the garage door for us to come home, now when is mowing when we leave and meowing when we come back. I’m sure in the middle of the away time; she is off harassing Mr Big Cat Oscar. But as soon as we get home, there she is looking all sad sack. You say hello and she perks right up, to turn around to show you her butt hole, which is the only thing you will be seeing for the next few hours. Doesn’t matter what you are doing, cooking dinner, sitting on the couch, in the bath or on the computer, she stands with her butt hole facing you. Still like a statue, with the occasional meow to get your attention, so you can cop another eyeful. Yes I’m for real and yes she knows what she is doing.

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Then there is what I like to call creepy annoying time, where she sets out to basically piss all over your leisure activities. In the bath? Look at my butt, reading a book, look at my butt, on your phone, I want to scratch at the screen. Watching TV, look at me on top of the mantel so you can’t see. Mr BmB playing computer games? Sitting on the back of his chair swatting at his head. If you’ve managed to out maneuver her somehow and she’s lost you, the epic meowing commences, till she finds you, just to nip you on the ankles to stroll off. Also like I mentioned, apparently we go to the bathroom in pairs now. Oh the joys.

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The there is crazy kitten time, which ALWAYS without fail, regardless of the actual time, is sleep time for us humans. We aren’t not talking silent chase things play, we are talking bouncing off walls, climbing the headboard of the bed, swinging from the ceiling fan, swatting your face, under the cover of the bed toe biting, leaping off 3-4 foot objects AT you, type of play. See she doesn’t want you to play WITH her, she is playing with you. I’ve noticed this distinction. You try to engage her in play, she just walks away. You’re not playing and she is chasing you, double legged bunny hopping, front paw diving, 3 meter jumping and springing out of random hideout holes playing WITH you. You are her toy. I wonder, does she actually plan the sneak attacks? Lay in wait in that tiny hole in the bathroom, just to spring out at you at 3am when you get up to use the bathroom? I’m suspicious the answer is yes. Or when I finally get to sleep, with a brain like this insomnia is a given, and she crawls behind my pillow just to bite at my head and swat at my face, specifically eyelashes. Look I could have been laying for hours trying to get to sleep and nothing. As soon as I doze off, it’s game on. Every night. Oh the joys.

She also enjoys hiding in the kids toys for sneak attacks. All cats hide in ride on trains right? Just to pounce when Master 1 goes near it, or in doll houses, or wardrobes or even in the high chair, right? What cat sits in the high chair? Only at meal times too this is. I’s like she sees me getting stuff ready and thinks this is her opportunity just to be that little more evil.

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Then we come to the other animals. She is insistent, on trying to love the big cat to death, he isn’t interested. Until he is? Then she will hiss at him. Huh? One minute it’s all rubs and cuddle’s, purring and sniffing. He tolerates her well. He decides he might actually more than tolerate her; say sniff back and she loses her mind at him. Epic bitch, temper tantrum style. He goes back to being uninterested and start process again. I think they must be married.

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Then the dogs, they like to bark at her, but are secretly terrified. We have two 2-year-old Border Collie’s. She will hide from them but as soon as they are crated to eat (or to keep kid’s out of their food is more the point) she is all on top of the crate, taunting them, meowing at them and basically scaring them to death. They are too afraid to even move. Bitch cat? Goes to sleep on top of the crate. She never sleeps there, ever, unless they are in there. As soon as they are out, she is up on the bench, giving them the evil eye. Be afraid dogs, be very afraid.

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This is in no way an exhaustive list of the things she deliberately does to irritate me. She sits on my keyboard, she eats my phone, chews my shoes, chases the baby, try’s to cook with me, wants to get in the car, climbs curtains, runs laps around the kids at dinner time, steals my spot in the bed, is trying to steal Mr BmB from me, leaps out from random places, sleep time playtime, only hides in the kids rooms at bedtime (theirs), follows me around consistently, poos in her litter tray (near the computer) every time I sit down to use it, irritates all the other animals in the house, hides in the dryer, runs along backs of lounges, shows you her butt hole, watches you bathe, wants to shower with you, leaps off high objects AT you and the list goes on and on. Yeah I’ve had cats before and I know kitten behaviour, but none of this is random. The timing is always perfect and it’s strategic. The playing hard to get annoys me no end, cause she really will carry on till she has worn you down, then to be disinterested. Play WITH you? No way, that’s biting time!

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So no I didn’t get a Grumpy Cat, I got an evil genius and I’m still trying to work out how I feel about this. If she was a person, she would be me. I’m not sure if I wasn’t me I’d like me. She’s only ¼ of the size she is going to get, so the 3 foot leaps are likely to become 10 foot leaps and knock you to the ground. Ok that’s funny, people falling over is always funny. So evil Genius Cat it is…Be careful what you wish for, you might end up with it, in a twisted way!

I’ll keep you posted (pun intended)

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30 Hours No Sleep And NO iPhone 6 To Show For It.

I fucking hate today. You really think is must be some sort of record because it’s not even 10am and I’m calling it, today sucks big fat hairy donkeys balls. I’ve even had about a zillion cups of REALLY strong coffee and the day isn’t any brighter. No fucking scratch that it’s far too fucking bright! Burning the retinas in my eyes type bright and no I’m not a fucking vampire or anything like that.

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Though at this point it would have been fucking handy since I was up ALL night. Voluntarily and no I wasn’t working, partying or doing anything remotely fun like that. I was sitting on my IPhone 5 crap obsessively refreshing because hell the new iPhone 6 goes on preorder TODAY! Now last time this happened it went on sale at 2:01am, being a night owl this wasn’t too much of an issue for me. But being the responsible parent that I am, I decided yesterday I’d call Apple and ask them what time the preorders start. That way if it some ungodly hour or even the next morning, then I could set my alarm or have a good nights sleep and then wake up at the appropriate time, for my little piece of handset gold. But Nope I was told 2am… so up I fucking waited. The time ticked over and over and over, if you follow me on Twitter (@bitemeybark) you can see me getting progressively more pissed and progressively more tired as the time wore on. While this was happening, Ms. Evil (I’ve changed it from Xanaxy cause in all reality the cat IS an evil genius and she had me fooled) Grumpy Cat, wants to sit on my chest and bat the light that is my phone. Yeah cause that’s not going to drive me batshit crazy as I try to order a phone that is still unavailable. Let’s just say, she was unceremoniously dumped onto Mr BmB (who ws sleeping hahahaha!), who she bit on the nose and I felt a little better. Till, she came back over, to swat at the phone. So there I was staring the “currently unavailable” on the Apple page and looking at her butt hole. By the end of this the butt hole infuriated me less.

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In the middle of all this Twitter suspends my account, again. No real reason, just because I’m sure they like to fuck with me too. THREE times ,in under a week. They think I’ve been hacked. NO I haven’t. Stop shutting me down! I’m not doing anything wrong, posting things I shouldn’t or anything like that. On a total side note, am I the ONLY one to notice ALL the suspended and deleted accounts over the past fortnight? What the hell is going on? 10K of MY followers, or thereabouts, either suspended or deleted. What did these fuckers do? Seriously? Twitter, you seem to be a little hyper vigilant at this point, You really need to take a bloody chill pill. I don’t care if you’re trying to make it a more reputable site, but since I’m reputable and you keep suspending me because you think I’ve been hacked, I’m suspicious. Well in real life sure, on Twitter, not so much so.

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Now we all know I’m all types of crazy, so it wouldn’t surprise you to know I’m as stubborn as hell also. So was I going to let Apple, the company that had pissed me off no end in the last 48 hours beat me? Yeah I’m still on tilt about the iWatch btw, fuken stupid thing. So I was going to out wait them, play a gave of “who will give in first. Guess what it’s 10am and we are STILL fucking playing. Yes you read that’s right, I’ts10am, I’ve been up for 30 hours and I’m still waiting for the fucking preorder to open. Yeah that will show you Apple you bastards, see I’m STILL waiting. Though I’m starting to think at this point I made the wrong call, in a very epic way. I should have gone to sleep at some point, 4am seems reasonable right about now. But hey, what the fuck would I know? I’m running on NO sleep and IV coffee.

But FFS it’s a damn preorder, it’s not like I’m even waiting to but the phone and have it shipped to me in the next few days. I will likely get it 10 days AFTER it’s available in store. Now I know you’re thinking, why don’t you just go into store on the 19th and get one. NO FUCKING WAY! You know why? We have 1 Apple store here and do you know how long that line would be? I most well start queuing up now, if I want to get a phone and we are talking 7 days time. That’s how fucking crazy it gets here. Ok, so waiting up all night and day is NOT the yardstick for normal either, but I am NOT camping out in a mall for over a week for a phone. Look if they were limited edition Fendi, Givenchy or LV bags that they were handing out for bloody free, then yeah I’d be there and using elbows. But when I can, or am supposedly able to do it online, a week earlier, NO FUCKING WAY. Plus do you know how many germs would be IN that line? After a week of sitting in it, no cutsies, I’m pretty sure everyone there is going to have to be admitted to hospital with some weird and wonderful bacterial infection that will cost them their fingers, so good luck using your new phone then, eh?

So of course I’ve been on the phone to Apple today and to be fair the guy was really nice, considering he’s been asked the same question literally a million times since the call centre opened an hour ago. The short answer is they have NO FUCKING idea when the preorder is actually going to go live. So pleb on the phone yesterday fed me a whole lot of shit. He even went as far to apologise and ask me if I knew whom it was I’d talked to, because they have been under strict instructions to not give a time. Which is helpful because they actually don’t know the fucking time. Like the rest of us they are sitting there refreshing their screens to the Apple store to try to purchase a phone. Yeah, you think that working at Apple, at any level would get you a first right to a phone. Seems not. So this poor guy has been doing pretty much the same things as I have, operating on the assumption that like with thee 5s it opened at 2:01am. Well he fucking joke is on both of us buddy. So anyway, whom did I talk to yesterday? How the fuck am I supposed to remember their name? All could say was “they were American”, as are 90% of the people in the department. So that’s as helpful as saying to PayPal “I was talking to someone American yesterday”, it literally could be any fucking person that works in the office. At least he was giving the entire American population of the office the stink eye for me, that I appreciate. At least he was doing something, which I wish I could have been doing. Though I would also like to have been swearing and finding the fucker who gave me the wrong information and cutting them so bad. But I think that would be frowned upon. Not that I really give a fuck because the asshole deserves it, I’ve been up for over 30 hours, I have 4 kids and it’s Friday. So that means I have the whole weekend to become more sleep deprived.

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So I’m still sitting here refreshing my screen and hoping to be able to purchase the elusive iPhone 6 NOW. Latest news is the preorder won’t open in Australia till 5pm, to line up with the rest of the world. Fucking American’s can you please catch up time wise, your time zone difference is really pissing me off today. Plus 5pm is right on kids dinner/shower time and just when I WON’T be able to get on to the computer to get the damn phone and sure as shit, by the time 6:30 (bed time for the kids) rolls around I WILL be able to get one, it will have to be black or space grey, not even a fucking white option. If it goes that way, I will kill anyone who even looks at me funny. I’m having gold and that’s the end of it and NO I’M NOT WAITING! DO you know who the fuck I am? I don’t do waiting.

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MrBmB you have ben warned, if my ass is NOT in front of the computer at 5pm purchasing this fucking phone because I need to deal with our spawn, I will come after YOU for this entire clusterfuck. Fair warning.

I LOVE Meryl Streep!

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“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me.

I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.

I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise.

I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping.

I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities.

In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement.

Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” _ Meryl Streep

She’s my kind of bitch!

Mummy Wars? Infuriating!

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Ok so I’ve started off the day with an Apple rant. Was never my intention, but someone pissed me off. So rants change and people must pay. That doesn’t mean that I forget original rant/post. It just means that it’s slightly delayed.

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I always promised myself that I was going to keep this blog ranty but not in a predictable female way. The judgement of having four kids. Are you having more, you aren’t are you? You know what causes it right? And all that jazz. It’s been done to death. But since I’ve been questioned literally 20 times in 48 hours, I changed my mind!

The answer to these questions come simply under the category is of course I bloody know what causes it. I have four, but feel free to draw me a picture. Yes I might have better things to do, but I like sex. Sex causes babies and unless you are my OBGYN or somehow in charge if my uterus the rest of it is none of your fucking business. My kids are loved, fed, clothed, go to a good school and basically want for nothing. They are not spoilt little shits, I don’t raise spoilt shits but I fail to understand why ANYONE feels the need to judge and comment.

Unless you’re putting them IN there, carrying them, paying for them or taking them out, then your opinion? You can shove it up your fucking ass. I didn’t ask for it, I don’t want it and I sure as shit don’t ask you why you don’t have or don’t have more kids.

Just because you’re happy with none, your one, your two or your 3, then great for you. But the state of the occupancy of my uterus? I will not fucking discuss it with you. Unless you want to discuss with me your sperm count, how often you masturbate or why the fuck you chose your profession in life. Because frankly I find that as odd as your concern as to the state of my uterus. Which by the way is empty of all type if human life, for the moment. Will it stay that way? Who knows. Fun to keep people guessing.

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Then we get to the Mummy Wars, where everyone has an opinion and will judge the fuck out if you if you disagree with them. News flash unless you’re abusing your kids, you’re ignoring developmental delays or being a cunt of a parent, I don’t really care.

Well unless your cunt of a kid is annoying mine, then I’m all up in your face. Though if like to think my kids can handle little cunts, they have my genetics. But other than that you know why I really don’t give a shit? It’s not my fucking business. Unless you pay me to help you, then it’s my business and you better listen.

Breastfed v formula fed. C-section v vaginal delivery. Painkillers during delivery v no painkillers. Not my fucking business and in 3 years no one is going to give a shit regarding the path you chose. Trust me. No one ever asks how Master 6 came to be. He just is. Trust me that’s enough!

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Which brings me to birth and labour stories. Why do all women feel the need to one up each other in this department? Or scare the shit out of first time Mum’s to be? You had a bloody kid, we are physiologically made to do that. It’s not a special fucking gift. Deal with it, it’s not in your “skill set”, it doesn’t make you special or any such nonsense. Pretty much anyone can birth a child. (No offence intended to those who struggle to conceive here, I’m talking very generally). Women were made to have kids, the vagina is a in AND an out hole!

though of course there are emergencies and the wonder that is medicine has decreased both maternal and infant death rates dramatically. So no it’s not a medical condition as I hear anti-OB or medical intervention activists say. But it’s a body condition and while you’re not sick, I’d argue it’s a medical state or a bodily state. So most well have a medical/body expert there just in case a medical emergency does arise. Preventative measures. Seems reasonable given the stakes.

Being a parent, well that’s a whole other story. Yes you think your kids are special, they are to you, to the rest if us, unless we are close, not so much so. You’re crotchfruit are just like the millions of others out there. Same as mine are to you. Deal with it. I’m just not that into them. Actually my germaphobia kinda makes them creepy. Keep your sick kid away from me! Otherwise they hold as much interest as broccoli to me, really. Unless they need my professional help. I expect the same in return!

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Which brings me to stupid pregnant women who think they know better than Obstetrician’s or Midwives. They disregard or avoid prenatal care and basically think they know best cause they have a obstetrics degree from Dr Google. I lost count over the years of the women who justified smoking, drinking, eating risky foods and basically poo pooed other woman for sticking to the recommended food guidelines. It’s not your fucking business if I choose to be more cautious than you. But if you’re stupid enough to take stupid risks, I have an opinion. I owe it to your kid! It’s not about YOU!

Yeah I know the risk are low when it comes to some “banned” foods, I know it likely won’t happen to you but in my mind my baby’s life is FAR more important than deli meats, soft cheeses, alcohol and the rest if the stuff they tell you to avoid. For that whole 9 months. Fuck it’s not a lifetime but it’s to protect a life. If it was my health at risk, then sure I might take a gamble, but with my child’s life, no fucking way. Priorities. I actually personally know TWO women who lost babies to late-term toxoplasmosis. They ARE real risks, you can calculate the importance to you if you like. But to me NO voluntary risk is worth the health of my child. This goes for not immunizing. The risks are greater not immunizing, than immunizing. Scientific fact and not up for debate. The foods ect your choice no impact on society thus I don’t care past the wellbeing of your child and the damage I’m going to have to help you deal with as they develop. Parent’s with kids withAlcohol Fetal Syndrome, I sure as shit judge the fuck out of you, addict or not. You permanently damaged your child, diminished their quality of life and gave them a disability. You’re lucky I let you breathe. Vaccination rates impact society and kids who can’t be vaccinated, kids I work with, so I care. A lot. I’ve lost clients to preventable diseases because THEY can’t be immunized but the next door neighbour googled immunizations and decided against them and the child with the compromised immune system paid the ultimate price. But that rant is DAYS long!

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I’m the type who pays an OB cause he’s the educated expert. I have diabetes and a history of trying to bleed to death 3/4 times (after having the boys). Seems he’s the hands I should responsibly be in cause he IS the expert. Sane approach I think.

Midwives have their place but they are trained in textbook and not so well versed in when subtle indicators start to point things are going down hill. I was monitored during my deliveries during my labours by midwives who reported back to the OB. The first one would have cost me and Master 6 our lives. A heart rate falling to under 10 during a contraction IS a problem, even if you turn the alarm off! Yeah I noticed and I’m not stupid, so don’t fucking tell me I’m overreacting. Lucky I’m not backward in coming forward and demanded my OB walk the 20 feet from his office to come and check, turns our I was right. Cord around his neck twice, stuck and an abruption. Clusterfuck of bad that would have had us both dead in 10 minutes more.

With master 2, he was out in 30 minutes from start of induction and the midwife missed it (I’d had an epidural due to induction). I told her I knew the searing hip pain meant he was on his way out, third rodeo, but what the fuck would I know? Number 2 was born in a little under an hour, so yeah no shit I “go quickly”, I fucking told you that. It’s on my fucking chart! With a drip to speed things up due to induction, halving the time wasn’t impossible as you said. Bitch! luckily for me my OB was doing a random check and there was baby near out. As in, all but legs. I seriously can say I never pushed that kid out. I don’t think many women can say that.

With the last they tried to hand me a sleeping tablet 1 hour before he was born. Waters had broken, no real action. I told them I felt a real contraction. They didn’t see it, so I must have made it up. Even if it was, it’s not that quick. Yes, for me it fucking is. Try a push, women push for hours. No I don’t. 3 times max or not at all. I know this cause I’ve been here 3 times before. Fucking listen to me! Those kids run out! Wouldn’t you?

So I’m jaded, with good reason on Midwives and especially those who think they are equal to OB’s. Experience. But each to their own, I know other people who have loved their midwives. It’s pot luck I guess.

That brings me to home-births. Do I think they are “safe”? It’s a sliding scale based on if your pregnancy is complicated or not, that is the individual pregnancy but overall I’m going with no. Because uncomplicated pregnancy does not equal uncomplicated birth. Fact! Not because they can’t be safe but because the scope for disaster is just far too much for me to take on board. If something goes wrong I want an OB and a ER 1 minute away, max! My hospital is very good, I could move freely and be monitored if and when needed. Especially with Master 1 who busted out at 37 weeks, rather than being evicted at 40. Yeah surprise! I have diabetes so NONE of my kids, bar master 6 who I didn’t have diabetes with, stayed longer than that. For a kid that won’t sit still, it still amazes me he was hanging in there at 41 weeks. All near 10lbs of him. I’m a size 4 American. Yeah the fun. I shudder at the women who go over 40 weeks and think it’s ok without monitoring daily. I just know too much now. It’s a REALLY bad idea. Placenta’s can fail in 6-12 hours after 40 weeks, or can, did you know that?

But I’m for free choice, do as you please as long as you know ALL the risks! Researched proper risks, just not the random pleb you met on the internet!

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I’ve had enough kids to know birth plans are useless, unless it consists of “have a baby as safely as possible and as agreed by myself and the medical team”. I have to shake my head at the blissful naivety of first time Mum’s who have a list of wants and don’t wants as long as their arms. If having 4 kids has taught me anything, it’s go with the flow cause you as sure as shit have no idea what’s coming. Any of the times. They are all different.

Except me trying to bleed to death, that remains constant and was underestimated by the on call OB with Master 1. He decided a public holiday was a good time to be born and MY OB was away. New OB read file and thought my OB was exaggerating my acretta risk. Well I sure as shit showed him I’m not to be underestimated! I did a good job of it FOUR damn times in 24 hours and 3 surgeries. Way to go eh? Point proven. It’s not a strategy I advise.

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So this brings me back to know it all parents, know it all Dr Google OBs and people who just really judge to make themselves feel better. Honestly? I DO care if you choose to have a medically unmonitored pregnancy, a home birth with no medical assistance and choose to walk the dumb line of you know best cause you can Google. Not because I care about you, but that baby you are carrying. It’s a person. It’s a life and you are pissing all over it. Don’t you realise the responsibility you have to it? Do you care? Or is “your perfect birth experience ” more important than the safety of your child’s birth? That’s how it seems to me. And that is ass backwards. To me it’s NOT MY labour. It’s MY BABY’S BIRTH, huge distinction.

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As for the rest of the “Mummy War” participants and the judging of stupid non life threatening things… Breast v bottle is a prime example. Go fuck that mongoose too. Don’t you have better things to do? Like raise your kids?

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That is my thoughts on that. I said if never blog about things like this. Seems I found my exception!