Being time poor seems to be my new bloody way of life, which means my ranting gets put on the back burner, sorry about that. The more frustrating thing is I still have plenty to rant about, but by 10pm at night I just can’t be assed sitting down to spew it all out onto paper. This makes me all kinds of itchy and with a massive rant backlog! Fun times for those around me. I’ve got an “MSG is a bastard” rant and “Fuck the flexing iPhone 6 screen split” rant in me, just need the time to share my rage sufficiently. No half assed ranting on those topics because they make me positively stabby.
Though today I’ve compiled a top 12 of my most hated FB users. I’m sure you can all relate and have unsubscribed from these feeds or blocked these users. There is no simple defriending in my world. If you find yourself banished it’s a permanent, blocked and cease to exist as far as I’m concerned thing. So if I ever disappear from your life, without announcing the deletion of my FB or at least having me tell you I’m shutting it down, you can suspect one of these two things. 1. I’ve blocked you or 2. I’ve deleted my account and you’re not important enough to have been told directly. Though if it makes you feel better you can pretend that you might have missed the “I’m deleting my FB” post, which of course would disappear with me. You’re welcome!
In no particular order:
1. Vaguebooking: the dramatic grab for attention that insinuates the account owner has something big going on but doesn’t actually say what it is. Resulting in concerned messages or demands for explanation. This is generally met with “I just can’t talk about it” or the even more dramatic “I’ll PM you”. Fuck that shit, I don’t care enough to beg and I outgrew guessing games in primary school. It can’t be that bad or private if you’ve taken the actual fucking time to FB about it. Stop attention whoring!
2. The single-minded agenda: this poster has certain beliefs, political, religious or random that they just ram down your throat continuously. SO much pomp and ceremony to accompany them. Like if they post it enough they will validate their opinion and convert you. Since 99% of people are stupid, you can safely assume I already have MY opinion on whatever you’ve posted and yours? Unless it’s the same as mine, is wrong. Mood dependent I might just point this out for trolling entertainment. Nothing like a good troll to brighten ones day.
3. The inspirational meme poster: OMG if you’re so damn full of inspiration or in need for it, get the fuck off FB and get some. Posting horrendous amounts of positive memes won’t make you positive or inspired. Actually more likely the opposite. Also any sane person is just rolling their eyes at you. You inspire me to want to punch you in the face. So you’re at least inspiring something I guess. Huzzah!
4. The passive aggressive poster: generally combined targeted Vaguebooking and horrendous “I’m so superior and love myself” memes. They are trying to piss someone off or send a message to someone. They just don’t have the stones to do it directly. Well fucking done, you really told them. If they realise it’s about them or if they actually see it. Hear that noise? That’s your spine on the floor begging to be used. Man the fuck up and just say it. Though a bonus to this is it’s likely that several of your “friends” actually think you might be actually talking about them and be suitably offended. Nothing like random plebs thinking you are insulting them and a Vaguebooking FB war to ensue. Fun to watch. Me? I just assume you’re not talking to me and if you were I wouldn’t give a fuck anyway.
5. Look at me: the incessant selfies, progress reports or general commentary on how much they are achieving/ how great their life is / how wonderful they are. Sure your life is great, your partner and relationship perfect and you shit like a unicorn, all sparkled glitter and rainbows. We believe you. Ermmm if this was true you wouldn’t feel the need to tell us all, you’d either be out living your perfect life or would actually have it together enough not to have to validate yourself through others telling you how great you are. Low self-esteem, check. See you really show us the opposite, the sad pathetic side that needs validation. Here I’ll validate that, you’re sad and pathetic!
6: The children picture/ anecdote overload: it’s ok to share pictures or anecdotes about your kids. Just realise that other than close friends and immediate family the rest of us have zero interest more than a passing one of your crotchfruit spawn. Actually the more you post, the more we dislike them. They are special to you but over all not so special. They’d better get used to it, this is how life rolls. Don’t set them up for failure when they have to grow up and realise they aren’t fucking special, like you’ve been telling them their whole life. Do them a favour!
7. The bragger: look at what I bought. Look at what I did. Look at who I know. This is an extension of the “look at my wonderful life” poster but is generally aimed at showing off how socially or financially important or prosperous one is. It’s normally the reverse. Those who are actually socially important or fiscally affluent don’t go flashing it around because to them it’s just normal, nothing to show off here. So sorry not buying it at all. But thanks for playing.
8. The TMI poster: you get to hear about their latest sexcapades, their bodily functions, their medical history or basically a bunch of totally “I don’t need to know” information. No one cares if you just ovulated, if you just had epic sex or the weird rash you have. Honestly we don’t. Unless it’s funny, to us. But we are laughing at you, not with you. Otherwise you should stop and think before your post “does the world need to hear about this”. The answer is always fucking NO! Learn to regulate yourself please. Though if it’s funny, keep it coming. Nothing like laughing at the whore who’s got a weird rash “down there“.
9. Try hard: trying too hard to be funny, witty, likeable and basically seeking social approval from a relative bunch of strangers they don’t encounter in their day-to-day lives. We can all see through it, you’re not funny or witty or even smart. You do score highly on the irritability scale though. Don’t even try, you’re more likeable that way. Not actually likeable, but more so.
10. The post/opinion stealer: they like what you’ve posted so much that they try to pass it off as their own. Whether it’s a thought, an opinion or even just a meme. We get it, you have no capacity for free thinking or ability to coherently write your own opinion. It’s funniest when said post stealer has tried to paraphrase an opinion and it makes absolutely no fucking sense, even to the poster. Even more fucking funny if they are questioned about it and just can’t back up opinion or post with anything new. You wonder if they actually comprehend anything about what they’ve posted! Jesus, if you can’t articulate what you believe, I’m not convinced you even understand the topic enough to have an opinion. Best just to remain quiet and have people assume you’re stupid than actually “talk” and confirm it.
11. The competition poster: they have to try to one up either everyone or certain people on everything that they have posted. It never ends, it’s a constant stream of “look at me” and “look what I have” that has suspicious timing with the “competitor’s” posts. Competitor is usually oblivious to competition until it continues and we step into “single white female” or “keeping up with the Joneses” territory. You’re sloppy seconds, we get it. They are who you want to be, cooler than you and more likeable than you. No wonder you can’t keep up. Stop fucking trying, it’s pathetic!
12. The feed spammer: must share every damn thing that enters their peon brain as it happens. So many posts, so little time and even smaller shits given. No one needs 15 minute updates on your life or wants them. We don’t need to hear every pathetic thought or weird epiphany as you have it. Really there should be a spam feed folder.
Special mention to “the continual woe is me poster”, the “everything in my life sucks and I’m doing nothing to change it poster”, the poster who just likes but never comments and the poster who only contacts you when they want something…. Bonus points if on any of the aforementioned if they tag people in them specifically.