Dr Past Employer…
Well there is nothing like meeting with your new employer and coordinator’s to open your eyes wide to the fact that past employer has just wasted the past 9 months of your fucking life. Dabbling your toes in the wading pool that is their research verses world leading cutting edge type stuff. So all I can say to them is fuck you, the bill is in the mail. I work on billable hours and you owe me around 120k. You better fork it out our we are going to have a world of issues that need to be addressed and me going out of my way to steal all your funding is going to be the least of your problems!
You assclowns had me doing stuff that is so under world standard if you even think of putting my name on the publication, I’m coming to cut you in person and Magnus is on the way to collect shiny eyeballs as we speak. Fuckers. I’ve just been introduced to cutting edge technology that involves monitoring micro expressions via mathematical algorithms, galvanic skin testing, mapping of neural pathways and in real-time measuring of cortisol (stress hormone) levels. You? You had me looking at perceptions of a certain population. You see the difference? This is how your “soft science” becomes “hard science” and cutting edge. It’s how advancements are made and how we don’t all just end up just pissing in the wading pool.
We’ve stepped into the global ocean and you can kiss my ass from as far behind me as you are. Your “what the fuck you stole her” email was met with many laughs. Really an angry email to my new employer? You have to be kidding me! It comes under the don’t give a fuck banner.
So today is my second day of my new job and basically I’m going into meetings get to claim my territory and eye off all the other researchers. Of course I’ll have my usual impeccably dressed self and attitude to match. Got to make a lasting impression and that’s I’m not to be fucked with. See the world of research is highly competitive and my field even more so because there are only a few of us in the country. So to them I’m the “newbie” who they will be assessing for potential threat to scholarships, grants and be in their minds right at the bottom of the pecking order.
Well fuck that suckers, pecking order has changed. I’ve paid my dews over the years, so while I’m new, I stomped this territory nearly 10 years ago also. In the interim, I’ve stomped in several other territories. They are going to need to respect this and realise the newbie, not so new. Also the newbie was headhunted and that deserves some fucking respect. They applied, I was handed. The fact I’m choosing my research team should be a clear indicator I’m not to be fucked with and to be taken seriously! So they better take notice. Who am I kidding, they likely hate me already. Good. A taste of dislike will keep them on their toes!
Of course I have my superpower of looking dumb. So initial impressions will confuse them. How did SHE get here?? WHO is she? And of course WHY the fuck is she here? Let them judge and be all kinds of confused. That suits me perfectly. Means I already have an advantage. I’ve been underestimated and that is always people’s downfall. They see a pretty face, a well put together persona who’s immaculately dressed and they immediately coin me as “a dumb blonde”. Awesome, see that assumption will have them think they have the upper hand, rather than really knowing the playing field. Which has just changed dramatically. The fact I have my own office, should be a giveaway, but visual first impressions always overrule rationality. Winning.
So let me grab my best boots and head out to stomp again on this playing field. Perma smile and sweet as pie nature. If they are as good as reading behaviour as they should be, as I am, then they will know the score instantly. But that’s a big IF, because my behaviour will be specifically what I want them to see. Can they see through what I want them to see? How good are they really?
*sigh* turns out there is no one to play with. I’m IT as far as researchers go. Employer is very selective and I’m the only selection in past 5 years. So bonus there but also means many a sycophant wanting to join my team. Round 2 of interviews will commence next week. These are the most fun cause I get to ask you negative things like “tell me your weaknesses”, “tell me a time where you failed to reach target” and “tell me where you want to be in 5 years”. The answers to these questions are important. I’m looking for honesty, self admittance and accountability and someone to look me dead in the eye and tell me they expect to be my boss and believe it. Of course they are wrong, but hey if the shoot for the top, they might just hit something close on the way down. If they have it in them. Time will tell.
I also get my own bunch of undergrads to torture next year and as sure as the sun does shine if you don’t turn up, you fail. You will earn every single mark I award you and I won’t be handing them out freely. You wanna swim in MY pool, there is NO floating allowed. So I hope the poor bastards are ready! They will thank me for it one day, if they don’t drown in the process. I might be the boss/lecturer from hell but I’m also the one who will weed out those who are here for real and those who want the P’s for degrees. No for them it really is GAME ON!
The only down side is I have 6 weeks to nail genetics. I have a mediocre understanding at this point, but I need to be better than mediocre. Genetics for dummies’ I hear you say. Nah, that’s for dummies’. So first and second year medical school genetics textbooks are my new best friend. Oh eidetic memory it’s times like this you’re a blessing and not a curse! Just got to be able to comprehend what I can see in my memory. Somehow I feel punnet squares aren’t going to cut it. But I’ll nail it, always do… So challenge accepted!
* The lack of proof trading is brought to you today by a brain absorbed in genetics and nothing more.
** The lack of pictures is brought to you by WordPress being a prick and me being too lazy to go down to my actual computer, rather than my phone to post.