So I’m sitting here fucking fuming, like off the wall and I’m about to leave my body types of angry. You know why? Because my past employers are a bunch of fucking spoilt babies who are now having an epic tantrum because not only did I dare to change jobs but also I’m still applying for the external grant that they wanted me to apply for with them. Oh I was the perfect candidate, I couldn’t miss out and all that jazz. They were more than fucking happy to sign off on it, add in a recommendation and sing my praises from the rooftops. When I was applying under THEIR banner.
So I switch jobs, grant still fits in with the new job and I ask for the recommendation that they were supposed to have given me already, I really should have gotten this before I quit. My dumb! Then it would have been in the bag. You know what thy tell me? Oh we have changed our minds, we have more suitable candidates here we want to push. So in other words, motherfuckers are holding out on me because I switched jobs. NONE of the grant money actually goes TO them, straight to me, so it’s not like they are having a financial loss. It’s not like I left them high and dry, I’m still working on their damn project (free of charge) so I honour my commitment I made to them. Though in the space of 1.5 weeks, since we have broken up they have miraculously found several other BETTER candidates for it that myself. I call total and utter bullshit, because these candidates were there when I was there and I was right at the top of that pile. So I’m calling craptastical lies and it’s their revenge. Well let’s just see how sweet that feels, when that work I committed to finishing for you so you can keep you GOVERNMENT grant isn’t completed. You won’t know till it’s too late. See, last laugh is on me assholes, you still need me! Though I need you like fucking rabies.
I can get someone to sign off on it from YOUR University, cause I have connections there and I’m not afraid to fucking use them. This person is even higher up than you are and your petty behaviour will not go untold. So fucking bend over. See that GOVERNMENT grant you’re relying on me to get the stuff done for? It’s attached to 5 other grants and when you fall at this hurdle and I’m certain “oh our former employee failed to deliver and we sat with our dick in our hands for 3 months and just thought she’s do it” which I will deny and NEVER put in writing, isn’t going to look too good. Me I’m in the clear! My resignation email made sure of that. Never put anything in writing, is going to look so fucking epically bad that they can kiss the several million dollars worth of research grants goodbye!
Oh and my job in all of this will be to pick up what they drop. See these grants may have been allocated to one bloody institution, but hell if you fail to deliver, then it’s next in line and it just turns out that I went to the next best place for these grants to go. Actually I think I went to the better place. Since there is such a rivalry between these institutions, just one suggestion from me that these grants might be looking like falling through and they will be all over it. See that’s what I love about the corporate world, it’s results driven. Don’t show me the plan, the outline or anything else; just show me the fucking results and the fucking money. If there are no results, kiss the money goodbye. Oh looky here, I have some results for you. Not that I have given them to the stupid first institution, see they never made me sign them over. So here they sit in my hot little hand and make you look fucking terrible. Fuck I might even complete said project independently and submit under new institution; see how you like those apples fuckers. This is why you get people to sign ethics forms. Idiots.
The best part is I know exactly where past institution was failing to meet targets, I know what they were good at and I can make sure any application I put forward getting these grants changed over, is going to fuck them right up the ass. See this is what happens when you just say to me “don’t forget about ethical responsibility” and don’t have me sign a do not disclose, because ethical responsibility can be interpreted as I have an ethical responsibility to my new employer right? To get all the fucking funding possible. I have NO ethical responsibility to the old institution that wasted a year of my life, with a purposeless project and then refused to deliver on the promise of a recommendation. Well fuck you cocksuckers, I now refuse to deliver on ANYTHING that I committed to with you. No sign, no dice, no recourse. So bend over and take it up the ass. You think you were pissed before, when I left, wait till I’ve screwed you sideways for this. Up until now I was feeling ambivalent and like it was even, now it’s fucking war and trust me, you don’t go to war with me and EVER win. Your funding, you better get ready to kiss it goodbye! I’m about to embrace it with open arms and welcome it to a better, brighter and likely more useful place, my new world. Every time they hear my name in the future, I hope past employer sees red and wants to burn, cause that’s just how I’d like it to be.
Luckily for me the rivalry between these two institutions keeps a very large gap in the professional networks. You are on one side or you are on the other. I’ve been on both sides, several times in fact, so I know how the dance is done. I managed to walk the line very well, I’m a sociopath, it comes naturally. But I normally play nice, don’t burn bridges and behave myself. Now I’m shitting in a paper bag, setting it on fire and throwing it on your front porch, as the ceremonial stomping that is to become our future relationship. You see the fact you BOTH headhunted me, gives me a lot of leverage. Because deep down you know you still want me, you sent me letters telling me you want me, filled with praise, endorsements and all these wonderful things. Plus al the emails saying “oh of course you are the best candidate we have for this scholarship, by a mile, you have x and x that the other don’t”. Thanks for handing me my winning argument, as said skills are very specific and you can’t learn them in a few weeks. They are university honed and clinically honed over YEARS. They now become part of my arsenal when I steal every scrap of funding I can from you. You? You just look bitter now because I switched over to the competition, which really offered me a much better deal. This is business after all and sorry, the winner is always the person who offers me the most, not necessarily in monetary terms, but also in prospects for advancement and fuck they gave me an office, all of my very own. It’s not even a cubicle, so I’m winning on that as far as most people in my field go. The dumbest thing you ever did was not get me on retainer, on contract or sign any confidentiality agreements. I guess I have a face you look like you can trust. OMG the laughing, it hurts. Of course this will now bite you in the ass in epic style. Funnily enough new employer has already got me to sign these things, before I start. No fear though, with my legal training, I found a few loopholes that I will exploit at the end of all of this. Cause sure as shit they wont own my ideas and new intervention strategies, can’t if I’ve trademarked them already in general terms before I hand them over, can they? Fuckers. See I am always thinking several steps ahead. But the fact remains old employer, you won’t deliver, can’t deliver and wow I will use that as an opportunity to fucking end you for this little temper tantrum.
I’m now procrastinating. What am I procrastinating? Well tomorrow when I’m officially back in the job market, I actually have to have my research team picked. Which sounded all fine and dandy yesterday and then I started to ponder it a bit more. What if god decided to smite me, just this once and hand me an entire file of unlucky cunts or even worse, what if they are all women? Fuck no I CAN’T have that, all the bitching, backstabbing trying to get to the top, the syncing of menstrual cycles and then a whole team who is PMS’ing so bad that it literally is a blood bath. Ack, I know terrible joke, but I really just couldn’t help myself and I stick by it. So suck it. I can’t vet files on gender alone, I wish I could, but that’s illegal. So now I actually have to read files and come up with justification why my team is ¾ male based. This shouldn’t be too hard, as I can spot weakness a mile off. Though it might mean interviews. Again I’m going to take a friends approach. You walk into my office, stand no chair, you have 10 minutes to tell me about results and how you’ll get them or got them in the past. That’s it. I don’t want to hear what is in your CV, your life story or your back history, eidetic memory remember. So this is your first test. 10 minutes are up and your out of there, not a second more. The good thing with this is women love to talk, men just get to the point, so that’s where gender selection can come into play, they interview better this way. Women also can be told this from the outset and still don’t comply. If they can then maybe they have earned a place on my team. We shall see, I will also be assessing diva quality and willingness to really take it from me, not complain and get it done. Trust me with my behaviour analysis skills, I will know the truth from your body language, facial expressions, eye direction, eye contact and even your choice of words. So unless you are the real deal and come in and are a lot like me, then you’re not coming back. Simple.
Oh did I ever mention how I got head hunted from second company? I went in asking for a letter of recommendation and they asked me where I wanted to be in 5 years. My answer was “Truthfully, think of your boss, their boss, their boss and one position higher, that’s where I’ll be if I don’t quite get to where I want to be. Which will never happen”….. Since this person is also very good at behaviour analysis, she knew I was telling the truth and meant every word of it. See THAT’S how you get a job, by saying you want the best job possible in the shortest timeframe possible, believe you can and have the skills to back it up. No bullshitting or pandering or trying to find the right answer. There is no right answer. There is the piss poor what you think they want to hear answer and the truth. Of course they got the truth. Fuck I really should have said I’d own the company, but I’m not fucking paying for it, they will give it to me!