Hmm it seems it never did get posted, it’s sitting on my phone with about 3 dozen unpublished blogs. Insomnia is a bitch and this is how I spend those nighttime hours. At least its sort of productive.
The say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I want to know who the fuck that was and slap them till they bleed. Let’s face it it’s not flattering, it’s damn well annoying and a giant pain in the ass. You know why? Because you’re not me, you never will be me and I’m afraid your dumb and I’m not. I really try to refrain from calling people dumb to their face, because that really is just kinda, mean. I tend to go with interpretive dance, they don’t get it and point proven and no tears shed. Not that I care about the tears I just don’t have to deal with them.
So I’ve decided to list my all time hates when it comes to being an unoriginal copycat who wouldn’t know a new idea if it bit them in the ass. To be fair they are blinded by my brilliance, so we need to take that into consideration.
1. The Sycophant.
This is normally the first stage in the single white female relationship. This woman wants to insert herself into your life, be your new BFF and can appear to be quite normal at this stage. Agrees with everything you say, always has time to catch up and it’s like you’ve hit the friend jackpot. It’s more like crackpots, but that’s to come. Sure it’s a little odd you like the same quirky things, that you seem to run into her randomly a lot but you really think nothing of it. She seems pretty cool, because she’s modelling herself off you. And let’s face it your as cool as it comes and I have met a few other woman over the years who are cool. Not me cool, but their own version. You bitches know who you are! Holla!
Yeah warning bells should be starting to go off, just slightly. Listen the fuck up. This could save you a lot of time and crazy. Not you crazy, or at least me crazy, I’m proficient at sticking that into a giant fucking big black hole of a vacuum and leaving it there. Not even tempted to delve in… Unfortunately this realisation comes later in the 5 step process.
2. Starting to get right up in your business stage/ morphing into a version of you.
They want to know everything about you. Birthday, fine. Anniversary, fine. Kids birthday’s, fine. Which doctor you go to, fine. These are all reasonable things friends share.
Then stuff like bra size, the exact colour of your hair, how often you have sex, how many times you tried for kids and basically everything from what you ate for breakfast to how it came out. Look I’m a narcissist, I love to talk about myself but even I get weirded out when we start to head into this territory.
Then you notice their dress style has changed, they have a new hair colour, their new “surprise gift” from their devoted husband smells suspiciously like your signature scent and the dead give away? They start to talk just like you. From opinions, to sayings, to inflections and in my case swearing like a trooper and trying to pull off epic tantrums. This is a natural gift. So they are generally left floundering like a fish out of water, while you watch. Look I could jump in and save them but by this point I’m creeped out, amused and really want to see what this person is made of. Chicken shit, it’s always chicken shit. It comes back to having the dumbs. So flounder they do. “Why didn’t you step in?” They ask? Because you daft bitch when have you ever had to step in to save me? That was your test and you failed miserably. All the excuses in the way home, just hammer in further how unlike we are. I don’t have excuses, in the rare occasion I might have a reason . But if I’m ever bested, which is next to never, total props to the person who did it. You go on the Christmas card list!
3. The competition stage.
By this stage they have decided that they are just fucking like you and need to prove it. Everything is a competition and they are always trying to one up you. Have I mentioned how damn boring this stage is? I saw it coming. You won’t one up me ever, you will fail miserably, no matter how many times you try. Please stop it’s embarrassing. If I take pity in you I remain silent. If you annoy me enough I’ll have you arguing around in circles just so the end you’ve just disproven the point you were trying to make when you started. I’ve also ramped up the wardrobe to my fave men and women. Jimmy, Louis, Gucci, Versace,Stella, Burberry ect. Still keeping up? Or racking up the bills trying. Please stop you’re embarrassing yourself.
4. The argumentative stage
Now they have ether gone one of two ways, they in their twisted brain have decided they are better than you, unlikely. Or they have come crashing down back to the real world are realised they aren’t you. So with that, they have decided to become the anti you. So everything you say is wrong, they have an uneducated opposing view on everything and even if you say the sky is blue (technically it’s not, it’s the reflection off the ocean but meh, that’s 3rd grade science) they will say it’s cornflower blue to both disagree and one up you. Now is about a good time to pull it the year 3 science lesson. Even better if you can get Master 6 to deliver the news. You just got outsmarted by MY 6-year-old…. Me? Hahahaha! Never yet, though he tries but I sense the first ever is coming. I came out if the womb winning and manipulating and nothing has changed. I think I’ve told you my mother refers to me as the devil. Ahhh. The love.
5. The chase me stage.
This is the tantrum stage where they have an epic meltdown and place all sorts of weird restrictions on your friendship to test how far you will chase. The answer to that question is, not at fucking all. Your own your own and I’m free.
Of course there are extra provision to these rules. The one that NEVER really goes away and gets stuck at stage 4. See they really can’t let me go, they just are that addicted, who can blame them? The passive aggressive “friend” who never replies to status updates or blog posts but conspicuously has an opinion It usually appears to 1-3 days later, when they have time to come up with something they think has out witted me but “doesn’t want to argue it, just citing opinion”. That I guess is flattery and likely well judged fear. See I won’t ever argue my point a second time if someone feels they need to respond outside where I’ve posted. Not because my opinion has changed but cause your chickenshit way of making yourself heard deserves no respect and none of my time. Plus said argument is pretty much invalidated by link to my initial opinion piece. But thanks for playing.
Now I know you’re wondering why I don’t put a stop to this at some stage in the process. Firstly cause watching the process is fun, I get to sit on the sidelines with popcorn and pull you back down to earth when needed. Plus you NEVER really know just how crazy this person might actually be and by step 2 or 3, they know a lot about you. It’s in your best interests to let them call time on the relationship, because they really might be a threat. Pull weird shit and who knows what they are capable of. Of course once they step over a line a restraining order can go in place but they have to overstep that line. It’s not a good idea to push them over it, cause a step on their part will be less dramatic and dangerous than you pushing them. So you really just need to sit out the clusterfuck of a ride. I’ve had to do it several times over the years and avoided police involvement and bodily harm every time. But honestly, if they were really totally nuts and not just wanting to be me in a kinda twisted way and not the classic single white female real type of way, I’d have a restraining order slapped on them faster than you can blink.