Mondayitis AND a Carb Infusion
I’m going to start this post with “the warning”… If you love me for the cats and/or the actual intellectual blogs this one really isn’t for you!
So I woke up this morning, well MrBmB woke me up cause I really hate mornings, like more than Garfield. I rolled over in the bed, yeah I don’t sleep in a coffin surprise eh? The first word out of my mouth “Fuck is it Friday?” Now I have no idea why I think it’s Friday and why this would be a bad thing, seriously Friday’s are the start to almost to the weekend. MrBmB looks at me like I’ve lost my marbles, I’m sure in 10 years of marriage it’s actually the dumbest thing I’ve said to him outside “I do” and “Let’s have a fourth”. Ummm, no he informs me it’s Monday. My response? Well fuck that’s not going to work for me. Now I have NO fucking clue what that actually means, why it’s not working for me or even why I had this conversation. Four coffee’s in and a HUGE piece of left over chocolate birthday cake (sorry master 3 it’s all gone now, you will have to wait till your official party next weekend) and it’s still as clear as a poor quality diamond. Totally flawed and full of inclusions that make it useless. This is going to be a really interesting day, I can tell that already.
So the sugar rush has hit my body and while yeah yeah as a diabetic it’s not strictly approved, or even suggested, you could go as far as say it’s actually a big no-no, at this point I really don’t give a flying fuck. You know why? Cause I’m hight as a kite on fucking sugar and caffeine. Both of these legal substances, both with incapacitate my facilities to outside normal working parameters and make me all types of awesome depending on whether you are my friend or foe in the moment. It really is a moment thing too. It can change in an instant. Any good friend of mine will tell you I can be exceptionally blunt and honest and with no tact and another can tell you I’m so bloody hilarious. It’s lucky I haven’t pulled any stunts that have gotten me arrested. The difference between friend 1 and friend 2? One tried to get it in my way, the other either was wise enough to not get in my way or joined in. I’m not really sure my recollection of said events is fuzzy at best and that’s the defence my legal team tells me to stick to. Diminished capacity, you can be a great thing when it comes to medical conditions of non life threatening well-managed conditions like my diabetes. well unless you eat too much cake.
Though as always the boobs always help. Fact of life, ladies you really need to capitalise on this, guys, keep falling for it. Idiots. They are fat sacks attached to a woman’s chest, like your belly but with nipples. HOW and WHY are they so attractive? I’ll never get it. I’m sure it comes down to breast-feeding or not breastfeeding. Equally to blame. It’s weird though cause I don’t have a penis and I don’t really want to touch one all of the time, ill I don’t even want one. But I bet if you offered a guy retractable boobs he could play with whenever he wants, the market would go through the roof. I really need to jot that down as a future invention. Not sure how it works, or how to do it, but that’s what other people are for. I’m the ideas person. To all the future men who get retractable boobs, you’re welcome and likely paid for my Aston Martin.
Anyways back to that cake high, high as a frigging kite and no, not the Jewish festival of kites that was the past weekend. That actually sounds like all kinds of fun, until you imagine the amount of string, the amount of bodies and the potential for one giant human knot. It would be like a PG version of the hum a centipede. Well no not really, cause that was creepy and disgusting as all fuck. Who they hell thinks up this shit? Do they really function ok in society or should we all be really afraid of them? As a Psychologist, I really am not sure a normal adult imagination has that kind of thought processes, unless diabetic and high on cake. But this is Hollywood, so I guess the correct assumption is that they are pretty much high on everything. Still it concerns me, they have this thought, write it all down in meticulous detail and it becomes a script. Is there a huge difference between a script and a manifesto? Other than one is turned into a movie? The you get the copycat’s who see the movie and are actually really fucked up, maybe not on drugs, but just in general and you’ve given them this great new purpose to live. Yeah see, I’m not convinced as “entertaining” as movies like this are they are actually helpful for society, mental health issues, desensitisation of violence and like an instruction guide on how to get real infamous really quick. I also question people who GENUINELY like watching sick shit like this, what the fuck is wrong with you? Doesn’t it make you sick to the stomach? Do you not have an empathy button? I’m a sociopath and I still can’t watch them. So welcome to all the REAL psychopaths out there!
I’m also sitting here looking at Magnus. I love this bird, he really does a good job at collecting eyeballs, though his eyes are still as creepy as fuck so we have a “no direct eye contact rule” like the rule MrBmB and I have during sex. But off topic. I think I may have wasted his talents, he obviously likes shiny thing, so why did I limit him to eyeballs? Why did I not train him to pilfer diamonds and other shiny jewellery? Now is it really stealing if your bird takes it and you have no idea where it came from? Strolling into the local police station saying “My bird stole this and I’d like to return it” will likely end me up in a padded room, which I imagine is just like an adult jumping castle. So I really don’t know what all the fuss is about. The straight jacket would do me in, very claustrophobic, but I’m sure I could chew my way out of one or at least convince a guard to let me out of it. I might be crazy, but I’m not physically dangerous, I have people for that. I have a person for everything and if I don’t have one I sure as shit can find one. If you work for me, it’s amazing the things your job description can entail if you piss me off enough. See people don’t read the fine print in contracts and they really trust you if you say “take it away and get legal advice, you have said 4 days”. They never bother to get it checked and in there is some clause that has if you piss me off in some way your get chosen as the lucky one to do something purposeless in the Yukon, in the dead of winter for 3 months, just because I asked. If you refuse you need to pay back your last years salary and your fired. You will be when you get back anyway. See always read the fine print, it will get you every time.
That leads me to the movie the wizard of Oz. What the hell kind of movie was that? Emerald City, Ruby slippers and a poppy (i.e. opium) field that will make you sleep. Why no diamonds? Were they too expensive to include in the budget, not colourful enough? Why couldn’t she have worn pink diamond shoes? Though I guess she’d want to stay in Oz, cause who int their fucking right mind would hand them back willingly to go and live on a farm? Sure as shit not me. Hell I’d pay diamond slippers to get OFF the damn farm!
Then there is the whole smell the poppies and you fall asleep. Ok so you’re so buzzed that you have a nod, but no one moves you, so why do you not OD? My next question is, if you are only smelling it then how the fuck do you get high? I’ve tried smelling poppies for several hours straight and all I got was a really bad case of hay fever. Though the meds to cure that are pretty good. Well nope they aren’t really but when mixed with other shit, not so bad. Benadryl is in that pink party drink right? That shit is bad, don’t go there. Let me take that from you, I’ll save your life. You’re bloody welcome! Though seriously when celebrities are abusing over the counter drugs, there is either a massive drug shortage or they are being cheap asses. Or maybe it really is just that good? I’m still all for the experience of snorting coke off he ass of a hooker (a clean one). That’s got to go on the bucket list, as do Quaaludes. Though I’m not actually sure there are any in existence any more, the 1970’s or 1980’s have a lot to answer for in banning them! Xanax is like Tylenol in comparison to them. They would make a fortune, I call for a relaunch. I’m sure they could make them “safer”, though to be fair nothing is idiot proof, but that’s more a natural selection issue.
I really think stupid is natures way of implementing natural selection, though it has gone a little wonky. I seems that the most educated people, who you could argue are the smartest as a general rule because they actually were able to be educated (not knocking the smart people who lacked the opportunity for eduction, I’m sure you landed on your feet somewhere cause well your smart) either hold off on having kids, or don’t have as many or any at all. The issue with later in life procreation is egg quality, so the smarts are lessened and they don’t produce enough children to make up for the dumbs of the world. You know the ones (again without generalizing) that have 20 kids, aren’t catholic, to 23 different fathers and live on benefits. Or are just dumb people in general. Psychological studies show that this pattern will repeat itself. Oh my fucking god, what if natural selection is to get RID of all the smart people? That we’ve got to the point where we need to devolve as a civilisation to move over for a better one. Let’s face it this one is pretty crap, we all have issues, live lives fucked up with anxiety and depression and basically have people that are either useless and waste oxygen or horrible criminals. What if are entering the “dumb” plague? We had the black death, dinosaurs froze to death and other civilisations just got wiped off the face of the earth. Maybe they were taken by aliens but the more plausible reason is they died out from disease, not sure what happened to the bodies, they were jungle civilisations, so they likely got eaten by some random animal. We are too smart for all of these things to happen to us, even if we were to sink, most of us can swim and own boats, unlike Atlantis and I’m sure we could float and create food. What if the end of this civilisation IS THE DUMBS? I think I’m on to something here… And now I’m terrified. Every dumb person I come across I will see as the end of my future and my kids future and rather than just hating them, I’m going to fear them and any spawn they may produce for the next 10 generations. So if I run screaming from you, you will know why!
Why is it as I sit here, I’m getting Twitter updates, as in conversations, I’m not part of that involve teenage dramas. No Takeshi I really don’t care that Damon slept with Harmony and that he’s supposed to be your boyfriend. I really don’t care about your opinion on it Tom, Dick, Harry or Leon. I really don’t. Please fuck off and take it to IM (does that still exist?) or FBC or something. While I now hate my iPhone 5, I’ve got a 6 with my name on it, not even it deserves this. Maybe you could continue the conversation when the iWatch comes out on it, if it has that ability? Cause as floored as my 5 now is and as much as the sight of it makes me shudder, it has served me well, been dropped a few dozen times and never needed a fix, so I owe it some loyalty until my 6 gets here in 5 days. Then it will be banished to the old iPhone draw, yes we have one, that is near full and never thought of again. Though you will always be special cause you were my first gold one. So at least it can rest in peace knowing that! You think it will be ok with that? Hell I might even keep it locked in the safe with all the other old iPhones, we have one of each model, in 200 years they will be relics and I’m sure worth a fortune. So future generations you are welcome for my foresight.
I’m also sitting here with kids programs playing in the background. I’m kind of listening, I work with kid as a living, so it’s as close to work as I’m going to get till Thursday. I really think they are in on the dumb conspiracy. Seriously. How many versions of “the little train that could” are there? It’s like the Golden Goose all over again, without the real horror. Though I did just hear the presenter ask “is your Mother Iguana?” And she was talking to a teddy bear. Umm what the fuck? Its kids, daytime tv and all the school aged children are in school, so this is for an audience of 4 and under. Do they even know what an Iguana is? All they have told me is they can run and up trees. Do they drop Iguana out at you too? I’m not actually sure this is scientifically correct. I would think they would be too big to climb trees? Maybe I’m wrong. But hell if you’re going to scare the fuck out of small kids they should be talking about massive carpet snakes and how they live in the roof’s of houses and can come down and constrict you in your sleep. At least you are teaching them an important life lesson and maybe how to stay alive just in case of a random carpet snake attack.
This brings me to the latest episode of Dr Who. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Peter Capaldi? How much I have hated Dr Who in the past but over the last 4 episodes, I’ve become a total convert. DON’T JUDGE ME! Let’s not go as far as to say fan, cause the rest of the episodes are frankly crap and the story lines written by people who took some great drugs, maybe that’s where all the Quaaludes went and they ran out? These story lines seem to make a lot more sense, well it’s relative really, I’m not saying they make complete sense but some is better than none. That’s not a philosophy I normally prescribe to. All is better than none is normally how I roll, but in this case I will take what I can get. I know the new Dr is being panned but I think it’s cause he is old and actually entertaining as opposed to having weird hair or a weird face and he can actually act. Or maybe he has a “House” like quality that I am drawn too, kinda cooky and random. Maybe it’s the accent? I really like this. Clara? Well since the only yardstick I actually have is Rose, I’ll take her too. She seems to be ok. I wouldn’t like her in real life, but hell it’s tv and not real life, so I treat it that way.
Gosh could you imagine if Dr Who was real life or an integral part of your life? My mind boggles. The Whovians, the Treckies, The Starwarzians (?) and anyone who coverts Marvel or whatever that other comic franchise is. I forget, I don’t care. All I care about it Chris Hemsworth looks HOT with no shirt on. So it works for me. It’s like Divergent, terrible books, terrible movie but I’d leave MrBmB in a heartbeat for Theo James! He knows this and is cool with it, I think. Maybe cool is overstating things, he is accepting? Maybe not even that, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to stop me getting naked with that guy, so its begrudging acceptance. Which I think is fair. I don’t think he thinks I’ll ever meet him in real life, he underestimates me. I also thinks that I wouldn’t be able to get him naked. HAHAHAHAHA! would take me 5 seconds maximum. Promise. I’m really, really a 9!
Ok on that note I’m going in search for more sweet things before the crash hits, the headache has started and Mr Grumpy Cat just took a dump (right on schedule) right next to my computer in her litter box. So all I will end with it, fuck I wish it WAS Friday!
