No Pictures For You!
***warning this is NOT a cat blog. If you’re here for the cat or my jokes and not my ranting personality retreat NOW! Otherwise you will end up disliking me and trust me, you want to like me!
You know I’m pissed when adding pictures is too much effort for you dear reader and with this post you get nada, because you don’t fucking deserve them! You all know I’m coming off a 48 hour no sleep epic bender and still you give me shit. Oh for fucks sake, you’re actually right that’s no excuse. It’s a bloody good reason though! My brain is literally a mush of refreshes on the Apple store.
Wowzers didn’t I get the fuck blasted out of me yesterday for not writing a vitriolic raging, rambling sordid twisted cunt of a blog yesterday! No exaggeration!
Apparently my way with dropping fucking curse words as sentence enhancers is what you all bloody well want. Well screw you and your mass contradictions! First you fucking hate me for calling Facebook cunts, well cunts. You go ballistic that little old me dropped the cunt bomb on my blog. How unclassy, how unlady like and some of you asshats even think I’m a dude in disguise. Well these boobs are some bloody fucking epic disguise. Since they aren’t removable or put there by a surgeon, it’s a pretty big fuck you bastard of a disguise. I tell you, I like dudes except for the weird-looking junk , but I’m not a fucking guy and the next person to suggest it? I really will fucking cut. Literally! I have a ceremonial knife ready, purchased second-hand off EBay, just for such a purpose. So the added surprise is the bloody hideous disease you might get from it. You’re welcome! Not that you deserve a surprise today!
You see you lot, yes I’m taking AT you readers, not really TO you, you’re a mindfuck of contradictions. I post a blog about the neurotic glory that is my cat. Perfectly fucken socially acceptable and hell half my followers dig my cat. So why are the rest of you so special you feel the need to whine like baby bitches? It’s what they would call a human interest piece and you all lose your shit at me. I’m being too nice, I’m not being me, disingenuity and a fuck load of other insulting adjectives.
Someone went as far as to call me normal and a bit boring. Needless to say this pleb has now been purged from all my social media, till the end of fucking time and will never return. Call me anything you like but normal and/or boring or anything similar and you’re dead to me you useless piece of shit! How dare you? Have you not read enough of my blog to know I’m all kinds of crazy? Though call me anything else either and I’m coming after you too. I will settle for Queen!
I’m sociopathic, I’m narcissistic, OCD ridden, multiple personalities abound and ramped up to my Xanaxy eyeballs pretty much all the time! You should fucking know this and should damn well know better than to call me names like that cunt. You, FBcunts and Samsung cunts all go on my muppet wall as trophies. That wall is going to fucking full up fast, I’m going to build another, or get another built cause I don’t get my hands dirty, ever! Ruins my manicure. Maybe I’ll model it on the iWatch. Make it ugly, useless, in your face, cheap and totally boring as fuck. That sounds like just the place for you. Actually I might call it the “Muppet iWatch” wall…. Plan.
Note well to self to get into that during business hours. It’s the fucking weekend and I don’t work weekends. Only my underlings do, when I demand they fix some damn first world crisis, that generally involves social media.( I do campaign strongly for the third world issues too on a side note but quietly as it should be. I’m trying to be as selfless as possible) Or my lawyers cause I’ve managed to piss someone off again.
Someone who’s a real nobody but thinks they are somebody. Honestly?! I don’t see the letters or keep up, I have a legal team and a single device that handles all of those. No not cash, a paper shredder. So imagine that as you pay your goddamn lawyer the few hundred bucks an hour to write me your letter. See me shaking? Fuck no, cause you didn’t even get drawn to my attention, my lawyers know fucking better. Otherwise I’d have them spending all day destroying you from the inside out, fucking you sideways and frankly I think they are lazy, not really looking after my best interests. Or maybe it’s just my whims of destruction. Though don’t think by whim they are fleeting, they are etched into my brain for life and one day they will hatch tiny little spawn that will come after you. One day!
So here I am hating on my readers for hating on me, which they are going to bloody hate. Which I should hate but we all know I love a good hater. Hell I managed to piss off 10k Americans with my Gun Control rants and didn’t blink an eye. See I felt the glory of a job well done. That’s how I measure success. Not in monetary terms but in the number of people I can piss off in the shortest amount of time or the number of hateful things said about me. I own you at this point and that’s invaluable. Did I mention I’m building a pool in my haters heads at the moment? It’s got a water slide and all. Oh the fun I will have during Summer.
Though out of all of this, the thing that pissess me off the most? Is The Blitz, I really fucking hate that pube face and he’s remained suspiciously quiet. Now I know he he knows he can’t find me, I’m anonymous and he knows he can’t sue me for opinion backed up with all the photographic evidence that makes him King Of The Little Wiener Douches. But the absolute arrogance to read the blog and to just ignore it. Though to be fair he was likely high, not interested cause he couldn’t get his dick into it and I didn’t write it in dumb. So perhaps he either didn’t understand or just had no real answer for his behaviour or the fact he’s a shit poker player. Like really shit. Minor league batting in the major league. He better kiss his ass goodbye cause one day he’s going to sink in an epic fashion and I predict it will all be over ego and one fucking hand. Likely the one he couldn’t keep out of another guys girlfriend.
Seriously, girls he’s sloppy 1000’s and from what I hear terrible in bed, even if you’re high as a kite and tripping balls. Kermit the frog is a better lay. Though I guess the frog won’t like you full of drugs and buy your fuck all, so you’re winning there. Diamonds, at least me getting diamonds? Ahh who am I kidding, he can’t afford those, it’s more like cubic zirconia’s. Yes you can tell the difference. It’s all about the fire, it’s always about the fire. Trust me, it has to burn.
So there you have it. That enough you fucking fantastic blog readers? Have I insulted you enough yet today so your life is now complete? Or do I need to go harder, faster, better, stronger? Yeah that’s a bloody Daft Punk joke, fucking deal with it.
Till next time, just keep remembering while I appreciate you and you’re all types of fucking fantastic whiney bitches, your also an annoying bunch of potential muppet heads to place on my iWatch wall. So screw you and you’re mother too!
So now I’ve had to take time out of MY precious nap time, while the kids are sleeping off the high that is Master 3’s Birthday, so thanks for stomping shit all over that too. It’s not like he will turn three again. Maybe you can aim to destroy Master 16 months 2nd Birthday in April too? Rude fuckers… Seriously. Though I’m going to eat cake, so on my carb high I’m sure all will be forgiven and you will get the diabetic equivalent of the drunk man “I love you Bro” post or some really weird random, more so than norma gibberish. Trust me, me on a carb high is hilarious. It’s like legal crack and I’m seriously unpredictable and uncontrollable. You’ve been warned and promised!