My Cat IS Molten Evil. I Think I'm Impressed.
Why good day to you there. Ha! I thought I’d throw you off with that one cause I’m well aware what my blogs normally start with “Do you know what I hate” or “I’m calling today the worst day ever”. I tend to be a little dramatic, well except for the hate because I genuinely do hate the things that I blog about that I hate. Like the iwatch. Like I seriously see that thing and get all types of crazy and they aren’t even being sold yet. Wait till I see people walking down the street wearing them, I’m likely to rip it from their wrist to stomp on it or die laughing. I know the greater population is pulling for the first option, cause let’s face it that would be pretty fucking epic blog! You’ll need to stick around until 2015 for that, so if you’re a commitmentphobe that might be an issue. But really this is a very one-sided relationship, I don’t ask much of you really, all you just have to do is read and feel my rage. So if you can’t commit to this, then yeah there might be some serious issues there. This relationship, other than being a loyal reader, actually has no string for you at all. It’s really like friends with rage benefits. Come on, now that is appealing right? I bet we can work through this together….. Oh what the fuck not even I can pull that off without smiling. If you can commit to a blog, not just not want to, then really get help now or you’re going and up being a Sherpa in the mountains somewhere with about a million goats. Which can surprisingly from a distance look like mini cows. The things you learn.
Anyways after what were the most taxing 4 days of my life from Apple and then a very intense 48 hours of no sleep, yeah I REALLY had to have a new phone, finally peace was restored in my world. I know you are thinking Jesus Christ she is all kinds of loopy if she stayed up 48 hours to get a phone, but in my defense I was given the wrong time by Apple, I am as stubborn as hell, the OCD had kicked in and Mr BmB was urging me to “let it go for a while”. So you can se why quitting wasn’t an option, even if the other option is the stuff lunacy is made of. We all know I’m just a lunatic on a good day. Now I’m a lunatic with 4 new phones. Yeah don’t ask, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Nice even number, good colour and model spread and all the OCD jazz. So if anyone is after a iPhone 6 Plus 65GB, you’ve found the right place, I have one in every colour. Even I’m shaking my head at this one.
Which actually brings me back to the topic of this blog, but really with no segway or lead in just because it does. Yeah my 12th grade English teacher wouldn’t be too surprised. We all know my brain is like the Wizard of Oz on crack at the best of times, still kind sleep deprived from no sleep in 48 hours it’s a more like a slowed down version of tripping balls. The thoughts are slower, they are more coherent and a little less off the wall. I guess it makes me as close to normal as I’m ever going to get. Fuck it’s kind boring being normal. I like being crazy, it really puts a spring in my step and makes me feel all narcissistic and fabulous. Normal, well just feels a little dull compared. Like a lazy Sunday afternoon with nothing going on, no plans you just kinda hang around the house pottering. I don’t potter, that’s for old people. I basically can’t sit still, unless I’m sleep sitting. Don’t laugh it happens in meetings all the time.
And of course yesterday I sat kinda still forever, when the fucking Apple store opened 40 minutes late and then it was impossible to put items in your cart to purchase. But I guess I really wasn’t sitting still, I was yelling, throwing thing, crying, refreshing, cussing, stomping my feet and screaming at the computer “go in my cart you mother fucker”. Which is likely why I bought 4, I taught that glitch a lesson. Yeah don’t fuck with me or I’ll give you a huge chunk of money for shit I don’t really don’t need, just on principle.
See I really am loopy because in my mind that makes perfect sense. I really showed them eh? Cause I got FOUR not the maximum 2 they will let you have. See your bug worked in my favour. Well that and the call I put in to my friend at Apple who sorted it all out for me, cause did I mention they wouldn’t go in my fucking cart?
Anyway, not the topic of today’s blog. I can blog about how mental I am any day. Today is an update on Ms Xanaxy Grumpy Cat, otherwise known as Elliot. She it’s a she, yes I know Elliot is primarily a boy’s name. But I’m a huge Scrubs fan and I just couldn’t resist the possibility if I named my blonde haired (well its white), blue-eyed kitten Elliot, that she would live up to the neurotic that was the Elliot on Scrubs. As far as Grumpy Cat’s go, well to put it kindly she is a huge fucking epic failure. I had visions of being able to pull her out of my handbag, have her give someone “the look”, maybe take a swipe and not have to deal with him or her at all. But no, she loves people. I would go as are as to say she is an attention whore. Yep, you read that right, she is an attention whore and isn’t selective at all. She really needs to get some game. She is a fuzzy ball of wanting, needy, meowing and at your feet all the type of love. It’s damn well infuriating, well at least it was. Look, I’d still like to be able to go to the bathroom without her being there but I think that’s strategic on her part. Let me explain.
She is an evil genius. I kid you not. She is all those things I mentioned, all the time, but then she will do something and you just know you have been played. Like when you finally bend down to give her that pat she has been scream meowing at you for the last 20 minutes for, she will bite you, turn her back and casually walk away. Like it was your fucking idea. Playing hard to get after all that begging, maybe she really does have game!
Then she sits and waits at the garage door for us to come home, now when is mowing when we leave and meowing when we come back. I’m sure in the middle of the away time; she is off harassing Mr Big Cat Oscar. But as soon as we get home, there she is looking all sad sack. You say hello and she perks right up, to turn around to show you her butt hole, which is the only thing you will be seeing for the next few hours. Doesn’t matter what you are doing, cooking dinner, sitting on the couch, in the bath or on the computer, she stands with her butt hole facing you. Still like a statue, with the occasional meow to get your attention, so you can cop another eyeful. Yes I’m for real and yes she knows what she is doing.
Then there is what I like to call creepy annoying time, where she sets out to basically piss all over your leisure activities. In the bath? Look at my butt, reading a book, look at my butt, on your phone, I want to scratch at the screen. Watching TV, look at me on top of the mantel so you can’t see. Mr BmB playing computer games? Sitting on the back of his chair swatting at his head. If you’ve managed to out maneuver her somehow and she’s lost you, the epic meowing commences, till she finds you, just to nip you on the ankles to stroll off. Also like I mentioned, apparently we go to the bathroom in pairs now. Oh the joys.
The there is crazy kitten time, which ALWAYS without fail, regardless of the actual time, is sleep time for us humans. We aren’t not talking silent chase things play, we are talking bouncing off walls, climbing the headboard of the bed, swinging from the ceiling fan, swatting your face, under the cover of the bed toe biting, leaping off 3-4 foot objects AT you, type of play. See she doesn’t want you to play WITH her, she is playing with you. I’ve noticed this distinction. You try to engage her in play, she just walks away. You’re not playing and she is chasing you, double legged bunny hopping, front paw diving, 3 meter jumping and springing out of random hideout holes playing WITH you. You are her toy. I wonder, does she actually plan the sneak attacks? Lay in wait in that tiny hole in the bathroom, just to spring out at you at 3am when you get up to use the bathroom? I’m suspicious the answer is yes. Or when I finally get to sleep, with a brain like this insomnia is a given, and she crawls behind my pillow just to bite at my head and swat at my face, specifically eyelashes. Look I could have been laying for hours trying to get to sleep and nothing. As soon as I doze off, it’s game on. Every night. Oh the joys.
She also enjoys hiding in the kids toys for sneak attacks. All cats hide in ride on trains right? Just to pounce when Master 1 goes near it, or in doll houses, or wardrobes or even in the high chair, right? What cat sits in the high chair? Only at meal times too this is. I’s like she sees me getting stuff ready and thinks this is her opportunity just to be that little more evil.
Then we come to the other animals. She is insistent, on trying to love the big cat to death, he isn’t interested. Until he is? Then she will hiss at him. Huh? One minute it’s all rubs and cuddle’s, purring and sniffing. He tolerates her well. He decides he might actually more than tolerate her; say sniff back and she loses her mind at him. Epic bitch, temper tantrum style. He goes back to being uninterested and start process again. I think they must be married.
Then the dogs, they like to bark at her, but are secretly terrified. We have two 2-year-old Border Collie’s. She will hide from them but as soon as they are crated to eat (or to keep kid’s out of their food is more the point) she is all on top of the crate, taunting them, meowing at them and basically scaring them to death. They are too afraid to even move. Bitch cat? Goes to sleep on top of the crate. She never sleeps there, ever, unless they are in there. As soon as they are out, she is up on the bench, giving them the evil eye. Be afraid dogs, be very afraid.
This is in no way an exhaustive list of the things she deliberately does to irritate me. She sits on my keyboard, she eats my phone, chews my shoes, chases the baby, try’s to cook with me, wants to get in the car, climbs curtains, runs laps around the kids at dinner time, steals my spot in the bed, is trying to steal Mr BmB from me, leaps out from random places, sleep time playtime, only hides in the kids rooms at bedtime (theirs), follows me around consistently, poos in her litter tray (near the computer) every time I sit down to use it, irritates all the other animals in the house, hides in the dryer, runs along backs of lounges, shows you her butt hole, watches you bathe, wants to shower with you, leaps off high objects AT you and the list goes on and on. Yeah I’ve had cats before and I know kitten behaviour, but none of this is random. The timing is always perfect and it’s strategic. The playing hard to get annoys me no end, cause she really will carry on till she has worn you down, then to be disinterested. Play WITH you? No way, that’s biting time!
So no I didn’t get a Grumpy Cat, I got an evil genius and I’m still trying to work out how I feel about this. If she was a person, she would be me. I’m not sure if I wasn’t me I’d like me. She’s only ¼ of the size she is going to get, so the 3 foot leaps are likely to become 10 foot leaps and knock you to the ground. Ok that’s funny, people falling over is always funny. So evil Genius Cat it is…Be careful what you wish for, you might end up with it, in a twisted way!
I’ll keep you posted (pun intended)
