September 6, 2014

Man, Women Are Bitches!

Bite My Bark Rants 1 Comment

Well I woke up this morning to what I assume, given the past 3 times, is a Twitter audit.  You all know I don’t actually care about the actual number of people who like me, just the actual number itself. I’m very ok with being disliked, since you know life is not a popularity contest. Or is it is, and then I missed that part? Whatever. It’s on OCD thing and makes me all kinds of loopy. The numbers, numbers, numbers. It’s a Saturday, so good fun for the whole family. Better than Bullets and Burger though I suppose.

Now what I’m going to say here is going to surprise both women and men alike. No, I’m only fucking kidding, we all know this anyway, and just no one says it. Man, women are BITCHES. Yeah, no I really mean it. You men out there are thinking, only some women and that would likely include you Mrs BmB. Your right I AM a bitch, but I’m actually the good kind cause there is no guessing. What you see here is what you get. Well minus the potty mouth, because in reality I have four small children and if I fucking swore like I do here, there would be some official someone knocking on my door. I can honestly say, in person working with kids and having kids, I pretty much never swear in real life. That’s what makes swearing on here bloody fun and fucking funny, well at least to me. I think if I actually swore in real life one of my very few (we will come back to this) female friends would likely faint. Though my report writing needs FAR better proof reading now.  Can’t have “Billy is a little cunt” sneak past me. Could you imagine that all types of pissed the parent of Billy would be? Id be right, I always am, but parent blinkers.

So anyways, back to women are inherently bitches. This is an absolute truth, you can take it as gospel due to two reasons I AM a woman and I AM writing it. See do you know what I like about men? Well other than the obvious cause I have 4 kids? There is very little to no subtext. They say what they mean, kind of like a really strong woman. Don’t get strong women and men confused though, because there are differences there also. But women speak with a LOT of subtext. Nothing REALLY means what it would on face value. Men, now you are catching on, right? It’s like “Is everything ok honey?” and “It’s fine”. No fucker it’s not fine and you are going to burn, right? But with other women it’s generally is an insult of types dressed up to sound like a compliment. The backhanded compliment.  LIke “Oh that’s a cute” Means “I actually think I’m smarter than you, won’t say it but I’ll call it cute cause that sounds kind of polite and nice”. I’ll take the complement thanks and had you back your backhand, but I’ll do it so you really feel the sting and are in no doubt. Because, I’m not chicken shit about these things. I say what I mean and mean what I say. It’s a blessing or a curse, depending on who you are and which end of the conversation you are on.

But let’s go further back; to when women meet other women, that’s where it all starts. Women are by nature, jealous, judgmental and hypercritical of other women. You think we are hard on ourselves? Jesus if you could hear the thoughts we have on OTHER women when we meet them, your head would melt. Seriously we really are that red-hot ball of judgmental crazy. Some women might not be, I can’t speak for all women because there are exceptions to every rule. But I can guarantee you that ALL women dislike any other woman ON SIGHT that they feel threatened by in any way, shape or form. Feeling threatened might be as simple as this person also has a vagina. It’s a simple fact. Yes it may turn out you are both the same kind of bitch and eventually get on really well (Heyya! To my good friends reading this and sniggering cause you all know you hated me initially but bitches we be cool cause we are the same type of no BS bitch) but most of the time its fake, laced with social niceties and then ripping them to shreds when they are out of earshot to either your partner or said group of like bitch like friends. It’s, a bloodbath, don’t be fooled. Every physical trait is torn apart, your outfit disseminated, your intelligence questioned and a few other random insults thrown in there just because you can. The minute you turn around and are just out of earshot. You come back over and nice as pie again….

That’s how women work. While we are being nice as pie, we are making mental lists, raising eyebrows at the other bitch friends and starting the process all over again. Fuck it’s exhausting. I estimate you get 2 chances to prove yourself to one of the bitches in the group that you belong; it only takes one before the others will give you a better chance. You have a better chance if its one of the alpha bitches. Yes there are grades of bitches in groups, the alphas (normally 2 closet ones), the accepted ones and the ones that are there by default cause someone at some point decided they belong but they don’t really. They are tolerated but subject to same rules as stranger when they and the bitch that tolerates them is out of earshot. Not that the bitch that tolerates them actually needs to be out of ear shot, she’s low on the chain and knows her position is precarious.

But after 2 failed attempts, we will be nice to your face, though since I’m bluntly honest I’ll just try to avoid you rather than bitch about you behind your back. I really haven’t got the motivation for this. Ironic really, you’d think I’d like to group bitch, not so much, takes up far too much of my time, energy and thoughts. Id rather be doing something fun, like drinking. Though hey no one is perfect, so I’m sure I have bitched about someone behind his or her back before. I honestly now would just tell you to fuck off. Welcome to the world of women.

Did I mention this is all based on competition and insecurity? I feel I should have, can’t remember, so I will mention it again as I can’t be assed reading over what I’ve already written. I fell dirty for giving away the woman code. But honestly, there isn’t much honour in this code. Sure as shit it’s ingrained and on some warped level, fun if you are the insecure type it makes you feel better about yourself if you need it but it’s really all kinds of fucked up. Opps, I swore and I have it on good authority that the swearing police are on my case, along with the grammar police. You can all go fuck that mongoose with my mother in law frankly.

Call it classless if you like, but since its only the internet and I’ve seen the weird and freaky shit that is on here and the dark web, which by the way is a real thing, so classless is a compliment. Even more so when it comes from a class of person who wouldn’t know class if they face planted in it.  It’s like being called cute in a condescending way. Sure as fuck I’m cute, thanks for noticing. I’m also an 8 on a bad day, so if you’re a 5 (on a good day), given the bitch rules we live by, you’re thinking I’m model material and internally hating yourself and need to feel better. I get it. Calling me cute as an attempt to say naïve is just chicken shit and a testament to your intestinal fortitude and the ability to say what you mean, get a set please and thank you, I’d respect you more for it. Otherwise I just think you’re a snarky gutless half bitch. You’re right though I AM cute and more. Thanks for the compliment. Also if “cute” is the most condescending thing you can actually come up with to counter my argument, get a thesaurus and a dictionary first perhaps, there are much better words out there. Or better yet, find a damn counter argument that makes sense rather than just quoting other people and talking in crazy people circles. I don’t do crazy people circles, you get “this discussion is closed”. Continue to rant though, I’m not looking but I’m sure you just can’t let it go. You could even try fucking swearing. I’ll give you one for free “Well that was the biggest load of horse shit I have ever read in my entire life. Did you pay a monkey to write that because no way a person who can breathe without assistance can be that stupid? Maybe if you write in crayon next time you might hit your target audience?” There you go, you’re welcome! ( I will point out here that this reference has NOTHING to do with a person I had a similar conversation with in the past 24 hours, I acknowledge the similarity, but you are FAR smarter than the actual person I’m talking about and I have respect for you, just not them…. You know who you are…. Plus I’d never poke a pregnant woman having been one myself 4 times, I know it can end badly)

I also had someone suggest that I was blogging for popularity. Ok once they hysterical laughter subsided and I swear to god I near passed out from hyperventilating because I really couldn’t breathe for the tears of pure mirth. What the living fuck? Obviously this person has never read said blog. I wrote several pieces (one) and (two) that pissed off about 80% of The United States of America for being Gun Culture gun zealots and I’m sure I’ve managed to piss a whole other lot of people off just randomly, because it’s what I do. I don’t give a shit about popular because that would mean I’d have to give a shit about whether people like me and I think I’ve made it abundantly clear the only person who NEEDS to like me is me. Maybe Me BmB, though he knew who I was when he married me, and my kids at some points. They are fickle at the best of times, they don’t love me, and I’m not their best friend… Until they want something. Again, kind of like women.  Maybe women regress back to children when they hit puberty?

But anyway, this kind of reminds me of my haters post. Take a look. I’ve linked it in for you. Though in todays social media driven world it means that women get to take veiled pot shots at each other by publishing vague Facebook statuses, twitter statuses or similar. Vaguebooking oh how the attention whores love it…. I’ll be honest, I will never call out a perpetrators of this by name IN my blog, not because I don’t have the stones but it’s unlikely that you know them and also it really pisses them off that they have been mentioned at all, in any detail. The details are also pretty specific, so if you DO know them, there is no doubt who I am talking about. Plus I’d have to add a whole lot of other adjectives to your name that would just piss you off further. We all know I’m not polite and I like to swear. You can add them in yourself if you like…. I like to fuck with people’s brains, just for fun, it’s all in the haters post. A big Holla! To you all, you compulsive readers and people I live in the mind of rent-free. I got a new flat screen the other day. Awesome eh?

Now by this point all men are sitting here shaking their heads and women are both agreeing and nodding their heads or they think they are above the shit in this post. They are not, they are just deluded enough to think that they are. Maybe it helps them sleep at night but my guess is they are judging me as they read and measuring me up and declaring themselves superior. DON’T do that, no one measures up to my yardstick, fact. You’re wrong. You know why? Cause I fully admit this is how women work, that I have IN THE PAST been this type of woman. Well when I was like 5 or something. Then I made the decision that I just really don’t like other women unless there is a good reason to. So I go into social situations expecting to not like other women, to judge them automatically and never be let down. But do you know what I have found? Now this is the hilarious part, because I have no filter, that bitching ect that goes on, I will say to the persons face. Something like “wow that’s a really revealing dress, are you looking to get laid?”. So they will either snap back and instant respect or they will tirade and huff off and I don’t have to play said game. This also means that other bitch women, who would fall in my circle of “ I will like you” will approach me and laugh their heads off with me. I don’t have an inside voice. Cause really said dress was really inappropriate and looky here I’ve found a new friend. One I don’t have to adjust my personality for, one who like me for the wonderful glory that is me and one that gets me. See I’ve screened friend potential in a room in under 5 minutes.

I don’t feel bad for slutty dress wearer, she really should have known better and someone should have been kind enough to tell her, before she actually got to me. Don’t get me wrong she had a killer body and rocked the dress, almost as good as I could if I was in a strip club as a stripper. She now might question her dress choices more carefully and even evaluate stripper quality of dress before she leaves the house for a black tie event. So really I did her a favour. I’m sure she doesn’t see it that way in the moment but when she sees the pictures of her G-string in the pictures or realises more boob was uncovered than covered, hopefully she will see my point.

So yeah all in all women generally hate other women. Lets blame evolution and the biological need to seek out the best partner possible and the fashion industry for making most of us doubt ourselves. Because “maybe she was born with it, maybe its Maybelline” or “Because you’re worth it” sound great when you have a team of stylists, makeup artists, hairstylist’s ect ect and something called “the skinny app”. I’m not sure what that is, but apparently it’s a way to Photoshop yourself skinnier (Beyoncé I’m looking at you, your leg and that funny looking coke bottle). Let’s face it marketing has a lot to answer for when it comes to body image, unrealistic expectations and pitting women off against each other. Like the bastards we used to date didn’t do that enough anyway. Well they tried with me, but honestly I wasn’t a prolific dater. Most of my boyfriends were friends first, cause I had more guy friends than girl friends. Or I was just too busy having a good time to be worried about boys. Do not infer from this I was a slut and slept around randomly or I couldn’t get a boyfriend, all types of wrong, not the case at all, just really not that many got that lucky. But it came a really low second to taking over the world. Priorities. But back to the media blame.

I don’t have to worry about that, because of the diabetes, my weight HAS to be controlled and yeah pudgy isn’t a word my bastard endocrinologist has in his vocabulary. It’s more, lose weight or lose your eyesight, a limb, have a heart attack or die. No kidding. So I get judged all the time for being skinny (which I am naturally anyways with huge boobs remember, real) after 4 kids. I must have an eating disorder; live on sunshine or some other shit. No I have a medical condition, but judge away if it makes you feel better about having a few extra pounds (no judgment, who cares as long as you are healthy) and the fact I’m WAY prettier and smarter than you are (not boasting my IQ test backs this up). It’s a rough hand in life to be given in comparison to mine and I appreciate that I was given 4 aces. I really do. But if you’re sitting there with a pair of 2’s and don’t even try to change, then fuck off I don’t want to hear your complaints and I will tell you so. Because being this fabulous while coming naturally for the most part, takes looking after myself, educating myself (all on scholarship mind you) and here is the big one accepting and loving myself, regardless of the opinions of others. I’m sure the sociopathy helps, but hey, I got lucky with my hand! Plus we covered this, I really am awesome. Life has been kind.