I’m fucking miserable. Yeah you better stop that smiling or I’m going to do something worse than cut you! I’m going to come and breathe my disease ridden breath that is the flu and share it with you. Sharing is caring and all that warm and fuzzy crap that I know nothing about. Just thinking about warm and fuzzy makes me feel worse and I already feel like death has his hand in my shoulder. Nice to see you bud. Wanna wrestle? I’m sure I can take you fucker!
I’m a right bitch at the best of times but when I get sick? Well bitch doesn’t cover it. I’m the queen bitch to end ALL bitches that ever lived and will ever live. I’m certain of it. It’s pretty much like I’m my mother in law, but the version with a soul and one who doesn’t stink of the remnants of primordial ooze, covered with what was once Chanel. Now it’s like Venice in the summer time. Yeah she stinks that bad. Maybe she can’t bathe cause she’ll melt? It’s a theory. I might try it next time, though holy water should be the liquid of choice. Or Merlot. Nah, can’t even waste Merlot on her….
Anyways, enough talk of the Anti-Christ, it just makes me feel even worse. Or is it better? I can never tell because that spark of hate, it’s a spark and that’s something. I’m just too sick to actually do anything constructive about it. By constructive I mean smart. I tend to lose objectivity and my temper quite easily when I feel unwell. Which means acts of vengeance are flown by the seat of my pants brutal but not always thought out enough to reap maximum reward. So that in itself is dissatisfies. I like my revenge served cold, slow, deliberate and calculated, for maximum effect and minimal effort. Oh who the fuck am I trying to kid? If I want maximum revenge, I go to extreme effort, I don’t do things half assed! Meticulously planned and like a good chess game, I’m always thinking 3 moves ahead. The easy part in this is a well planned revenge attack, the initial go to response by the recipient is anger. People are so predictable. Anger is easy to predict and even easier to counter-move. It’s when you’ve stewed and the anger is replaced with cold resolve and strategy there are issues with who will move and how. Fortunately people are dumb and react out if anger pretty much all the time. Angry emails, phone calls or whatever. They are clouded with rage, make stupid threats and live to regret it. Every. Single. Time. Fuckmunchers, then I own you.
Again tangenting, though feeling a little better cause rage is a good way to burn off viral attacks. Or so it seems. But I’m miserable. This is compounded by the fact Mr BmB also has the flu, but it’s the Man Flu. Oh for fuck’s sake, unless you’re bleeding, something is broken or you’re in hospital get your shit together man. Yeah yeah I saw the article, poorly written with no peer-reviewed sources, suggesting Man Flu is a real thing. That evolutionary wise women are physiologically the stronger sex because we pop out the kids. But honestly? Fuck that shit, I’m not buying. The flu is the flu, regardless of gender and if I’m well enough to be dealing with our spawn, then so are you. But by Christ if you infect one and I have to deal with a sick child, or 4 and Mr BmB, I’m going with death in this one. Because I just know it’s going to be pure torture.
I know the Mum’s out there are thinking “What the fuck is wrong with this mother, doesn’t she have ANY maternal instinct and how can she bear to see her babies sick”? You know how? Because kids get sick and they can suck it up like the rest of us. I refuse to produce a bunch of whiney children, who turn into whiney adults and basically annoy the fuck out of everyone else. World you’re welcome. They already have no responsibility, have people waiting on them hand and foot and someone to tell them they are going to be fine that they are just sick and will feel better soon. (the doctor). What the fuck more do they need? Yeah cuddles and love and all that warm and fuzzy shit I know, that’s what Mr BmB is for when they are sick. Cause if you think I’m going within transmissible distance of those disease ridden creatures, you’ve totally underestimated my germaphobia. By kid 4 I’m certain it’s mutated just enough I can get reinfected and that can fuck the hell off! Reinfection? That’s even more gross, cause I know where my kids have been. Little cesspools if dirt, germs and disease. No thank you! At least when I get sick randomly I don’t know the source and can think it came from Ms Xanaxy Grumpy Cat and she’s at least living up to some if her supposed potential. Yeah I know, I don’t have the dumbs, I didn’t get the flu from the cat. But since cats get the flu, I choose this option over the random stranger at the wedding I attended over the weekend. Cause that’s a whole other fucking ball of OCD, crazy germaphobia that I really don’t need. I have NO idea who they are, where they are from or what they might have done to catch this bitch of an illness. To deal with those thoughts, I need industrial sized Xanax and since no one will make that for me, no matter how hard I beg, bloody Hippocratic Oath and ethical responsibility, it’s a clusterfuck of “makes me pissed and itchy”.
So I sit here miserably, wallowing in self-pity covered with germs wondering if I can take revenge on the flu. Sure there are antivirals that will kill it dead, but they stockpile those like I do Xanax and I don’t think “cause I wanna teach this fucker virus a lesson it will never forget” is going to get me any. Though it can’t hurt to ask right? My doctor already knows I’m crazy, I’m sure it’s all documented to be used against me in court one day. So this little request wouldn’t be adding too much fuel to the already burning bonfire that is my psychological profile. More fool them I cheated on the tests for funsies. Do they really think people have no clue at the motivation behind certain questions? Or am I the only one who takes it as a challenge to screw them up deliberately just so some psychologist out there feels like their mind is going to explode from all the contradictions?
Yeah they are a game to me. I don’t ever tell them I’m trained in this area, I know pretty much all the tests and with my eidetic memory I can even score it as I go. No fun in that. I most well use this skill to make someone else’s day just that bit more colourful. That I do…. To have multiple confounding tests is a psychologist worst nightmare cause they just can’t box you, tack on a label and treat you. They actually need to think, which is what the 6 plus years of university training ingrained in them not to do. How smart does that several 100k education feel now? The even better part? Totally acing the tests when they refer you on, so they look stupid. What a game.
So as you can see, other than having the flu, there really is something wrong with me. What is it? Who the fuck knows cause I’m not ever taking a standardized test properly, why should I? Until they become smarter than I am or some psychologist pleb works out that I’m just screwing with them for fun, it’s a great game to play.
And I do fuck testing for fun. I’ve scored it before they even get it back. Borderline everything. Not ever enough for a full-blown diagnosis of anything, no labels thanks, but so close they have to itch at the amount of “this criteria” traits I have. You name it, I can produce a borderline score in it on any test I’ve sighted once. If I haven’t cause it’s new? “Maybe we can save that for next time? I just don’t feel up for it today”. I’ll see you after I’ve had a chance to read through the manual, the score sheet and it’s safely lodged in my noggin. Idiots. The glory of a eidetic memory right there.
Yeah it’s my job to read manuals, administer tests and score them. So knowing what to put where so NOTHING actually fits but you’re sub threshold everything basically, it’s golden. Even better if they are fool enough and unprofessional enough to score it in front of you. I’ve only been caught once and an IQ test was suggested. Been there, done that, not telling so you can guess. Wanna play hot and cold?
Kudos to the psychologist who caught me though, she is my idol. Granted she is exceptional and had the inside advantage of knowing me personally/professionally first, so she knew exactly what she was doing. I was a willing participant because I needed know if she would catch me, can’t idolise someone who is dumber than you are. Plus a free IQ test? Score! Figuratively and literally… Still willing to play hot and cold when people ask. Ha! The looks on their faces when I offer that. Exactly 4 people in this world know my actual IQ including the person who scored the test and myself…. The others can remain a mystery. Makes you itchy right? Good!
I should point out here that I actually don’t CHOOSE WILLINGLY to waste professionals time. I understand there are people out there with real mental health issues and they need to be seen, and pronto at that. But it’s always fun to mess with the new grad who’s under supervision or the one they hand off the not so important cases too. I’m actually saving someone with real issues from these amateurs. All I need is a script and I’m on my way. It’s that simple. Just the process is a pain in the ass (I’m not in charge of the process, so the blame falls elsewhere), so I most well be a pain in the ass too. Circle if life.
Now back to seeing if I can score me some antivirals. They better hope the music while I’m on hold is better than last time, or I’m going in to share my germs!