Today I sit here jobless. Yes, you read that right, jobless. Now I know you’re thinking it’s cause I spend far too many work hours blogging and shopping and not enough hours working. While all technically true, this is not the reason for my state today. No the company hasn’t been downsized and I sure as shit wasn’t fired. No one is that dumb…. Yet.
Nope. Yesterday I had to have that conversation. You know the one I mean, the one where you break up with your employer, because let’s face it, you got a better offer. So the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” thing is really hard to pull off. Because as sure as shit as the sun does rise, it really is all about them.
Before you start scratching your head and think BmB you always say it’s ALWAYS about you. It indeed is ultimately about me, but what they couldn’t do for me. So it was about them, in a twisted way, that was about me. You following?
(Yes I’m aware this meme is used out of context and no I don’t give a fuck you elitest memeist bastards)
Now the breakup conversation is never an easy one to have, well not when it comes to work. With people its far easier, because lets face it once you kick that fucker to the curb you have no intention of ever laying eyes on them again, so essentially you can say whatever the fuck you want. Lay it all out on the table, from how they are dumb, poor in the sack, lack motivation to just downright make your skin crawl.
See that was always the clear indicator for me that it was time to break up, the skin crawling and pure hate at the thought of them. Wow I can hear you thinking, that’s a lot of time and investment to them find that out. Well no not really, because all I had to do was find ONE teeny thing that annoyed me, give me 12 hours and then I couldn’t even stomach the sight of them. It was a weird and wonderful thing. I do feel bad, well not really cause they were annoying as fuck, for the guys that in the past I had to break up with. Let’s face it, I can be honest at the best of times, but if you think a breakup is a negotiation and I’m taking “I can change” as a reason to stay with you, things are going to go downhill rather rapidly. Due to the fact by this point I’ve already made up my mind, limited back on the contact (easing you during the past 6 hours) and trying in the nicest way to let you know I’d rather live in a cage with creepy soulless eye birds than be with you any longer.
I do appreciate that this quick judgment call generally came out of the blue, trotting along fine and then BAM “the thing” would pop up and you were instantly red carded. The BAM thing is normally something pretty innocuous too, but in my mind once spotted it’s a total deal breaker and repulsive. Like bad teeth, no offence to bad teeth, I just can’t go there. It may be the years of braces I endured, I don’t know but deal breaker. Though not being a huge sports fan that might mean you get to play again at some later point if it’s a red card? In my land? That means you are banished from my life, purged from my memory and if I ever see you again, I will honestly not remember you.
The only exception to this is the longest relationship I had before Mr BmB, which was several years, yeah I recognise him when I see him, though I’m not letting on. Asshat told me in a fit of rage that I could be replaced easily, over a decade later, how is that single life working out for you? You really did have the chance to cut the umbilical cord with Mummy, but refused. I hear you still live together. All types of healthy. Ha! Sucker…. And to top it all off those kids you wanted and I said I didn’t, turns out it was just with you… I have 4 now, close to that soccer team you always wanted. Oh the burn. You hate me? I know and great…. Cause I’m the one that got away and I’m IRREPLACEABLE fucker.
Turns out that was a bastard thing to be wrong about. I’m an impressive yardstick and I have no issues saying that. I’m the total package, brains, looks, motivation and earning capacity. I’m also sociopathic, narcissistic, OCD and a few other weird and wonderful things all thrown in. So I’m just awesome on a bad day, very awesome on a good day and on my best days so fucking awesome, you need sunglasses to look at me. I’m also extremely modest. But anyways, lets forget about Mr ex BmB because seriously he’s really not worth the time. Let just call him Mr Average, in every way and leave it at that.
So the breakup with the employer. Well obviously the first step in this process is an email, outlining your position. I really cannot handle tears and don’t want begging or negotiation tactics as I’m trying to make a clean break. So it all gets written down very matter of fact first and upfront. Plus we all know this all needs to go in writing anyway, so that’s that solved. Then you wait. You get the inevitable reply that says “we are gathering the team, let’s have a Skype meeting”. NEVER NEVER NEVER actually go to the office location for this meeting. It’s just a bad move. At least over the computer you can see your own facial expressions, your body language, moderate them and disconnect the call if things get whiney. In person, well that’s a whole other matter. A matter that I really am good at but push the wrong button and I can storm out, well like a Boba Fett shooting everyone who crosses my path. I generally wear a very good mask, I’ve been trained that way and I also have all the awesome personality quirks that add to this ability. Though if you really irritate me and begging, I snap and WILL do that in an instant, then out comes the honest to god, no holes barred truth. Not so good when trying to maintain professional networks and not really set all the bridges in the room on fire.
This was a lucky break for me because the project they had me working on for the last year, which I was constantly pointing out was floored and not worth my time, got scrapped in Skype meeting for having “no real merit”. Well other than the ridiculous funding the government was providing them for it. Well knock me down with a fucking feather, I’d been saying this for a year and trying to make it work and could come up with nothing. If you actually know me, you’d know this is an anomaly, I can generally make anything work with a bit of out the box thinking. This project? Nope, no out of the box thinking would make it work and it was the reason for my leaving. The idea of having MY name on something this obviously shithouse was never going to happen? To have them then say it, after wasting my time and I would have ended them then and there. Thank god for head hunters eh?
Yes, I was head hunted. Not the bad kind, I get to keep my head, that in itself is a bonus. There is also no cannibalism involved, so even better. Even better than that is I get to choose my project, my team and basically run shit. I’m now in charge. This suits me perfectly. I think when picking my team I might take the leaf out of a friend on mines book,dump half the CV’s in the bin, at random, just because I don’t work with unlucky cunts. I will also then pick one up at random and they will be my second in charge, because they are so lucky they got unlucky and then picked back up. That has to be a winner right there. So if you’re ever wondering how CV’s are screened, there you have it.
So for a week I’m jobless. Well not really, I’m on retainer. I’m just sitting here waiting for the paperwork to go through and then I’m on to it. I’m not sure if new employer knows exactly what they are in for, I have worked with a few of them before, many moons ago but I’ve evolved since then. So hopefully they are up for the challenge. I also hope my new boss’s, boss’s, boss is not too attached to their job, because it will be mine. Give it 3 years if I walk the line carefully, which I will and produce the results I know I can, then they’d better be looking to upgrade by that point. Where too though? Maybe I’m shooting too low. I’ll need to look into that. Or maybe I’ll just search for random omens as to where I should end up, at least for this week, that could be fun. See a pink car? Stripper.
Thought till then I have time to kill, opinions to rant and a lot of time to think, plot and plan. This never happens. It’s disastrous over the small period of a weekend. So a whole week and the universe as we know it could be changed forever. Watch this space. I have a religion piece I’m currently working on for you, not the boring bible bashing (either over your head or bashing the bible or other religious texts) but a nice little delve into the world of comparative religion, intolerance and the corruption of the church by man. That’s all I’ll say on that, I’m not sure where it will end up, but sure as shit there will be hate mail sent. Same rules apply send to Mr BmB with head and body shots, no filter and I’ll get to you based on my rating system.
Feel free to send me some suggestions or questions about anything really. Like I said, I’m jobless for a week. Want me to piss someone off for you or do some internet trolling for sport ? I can always do that, just for fun!