Well fuck me drunk, well not literally cause A. I don’t really drink and because B. I’m pretty sure Mr BmB might have something to say about it. Though feel free to email him and ask. Please send a full body picture and a close up head shot. No filters please, just think like you’re applying for Next Top Model or something. I’ll get back to you after I’ve finished my rating system.
Well we all know my absolute rage over FB messenger. The invasion if privacy ect ect and we all know we heard the pacifying words of FB and related app developers “these are standard”, “they are nothing new”, “it’s part of any standard user agreement” and my personal favourite, cause it’s always going to bite you in the ass “nothing bad is going to happen”….. Well guess what mother fuckers? It’s happened and before the predicted schedule. There are some VERY unhappy, nude, celebrities out there. Bummer. You allow people unvetted access to your phone, your iCloud or whatever else means of storage they have to gather, collect and keep your personal data and it’s going to bite you in the ass. And not the good kind you pay good money for. The kind that has celebrities issuing denial, reps going mental and litigators counting the money that they are about to make. Guess what dear reader, welcome to the day that the celebrity nude photo bomb hit the world.
Ok so we all hear the denials. Yeah they are utter bullshit, let’s be blunt, cause ain’t nobody owning that up front. Though maybe JLaw did? She’s actually the cool type of crazy that would. Honestly I didn’t care enough to read the stories, through the tears of laughter it was just too much. Though if you did good on you girl. The rest though, frenzied denial and I bet almost every app they have given permission to access their phone or iCloud account has now been banished.
Link fixed… But really you have better things to be searching for!
Too little, too late and I hate to tell you this, but I will. I told you so. Actually I have a dance that goes with that…. I just did it, the I told you so dance. Fuck that felt great. Unfortunately for everyone, while I did it nude, my phone was in the other room so won’t be hitting Vivid entertainment anytime soon. Just like all those naked photos I’ve always refuse to take, like ever, because this shit always bites you in the ass. If there are any pictures of me naked they are stored safely in the brains of the people I have given permission to see me naked. Though generally being men, I’m sure they remember the touch more than the visuals. So while I might not be famous, or I might be, who really knows eh? There will be no naked pictures or videos of me floating around in the internet. Like I said it costs 3 carrots of diamonds to get that and I’m pretty sure Vivid is charging far less than that.
Which brings me back to my initial outrage and gloating. My position was and always has been, just because we accept it, it doesn’t make it right. Today this was proven in the most fucking epic way that I’m sure will leave a lot of men curiously preoccupied for the next coming days and some random bouts of tennis elbow.
See something was hacked. I’m betting iCloud. You know why? Cause with such large numbers and such a squeaky clean profile, while everyone was pointing fingers at FaceBookCunts, someone got smart. They attacked the main competition for app approval protocol. I shouldn’t cheer this as many a persons private pictures ect have been violated but if you fucken take naked pictures, allow apps to access your phone and are even dumb enough to upload to iCloud, well really you just were begging for it. So I’m laughing and laughing so hard I’m crying. I feel no pity because it was your stupid ass self that put you in this predicament to start with.
So then the “normal” people out there are likely thinking “well I’m safe, I’m not famous”. Oh how ignorance is bliss. Do you really think they just targeted certain individuals or went all in and sorted out what was worthwhile and what wasn’t? Too time-consuming. So smart money is on the latter and they took all they could . So yep, you too, if you’ve been dumb enough to have a naked selfie on your phone, send one to another person or have it on the cloud. You’ve also likely been violated too. Feelin good right about now? Time for a bleach bath perhaps. Because even if you don’t hit mainstream internet, you’re going to hit the internet somewhere. You just have no idea where. God you better hope your boss isn’t the total depraved kind, which is likely a stretch since most of us are. Are you going to be able to look your colleagues in the eye tomorrow? Hold your head up high? Live in blissful ignorance any longer? Sure as shit that bubble has burst by now right?
So while you contemplate all of this, I continue my naked I told you so dance away from prying eyes and gloat from a position of steadfast knowing no naked anything of me exists anywhere, swear to god or whomever you like. I ask you reader, just because it IS the done thing, should it be? Or have you changed your stance on that now?
Isn’t life a bitch when I’m right… Which is always. Hindsight is even a bigger bitch.