We Live In A Terror Filled World.

Well I woke up today in a relatively good mood, of course things are always relative, but today started on all bright and shiny with not a care in the world. Ok I lie, there are always a few cares, so I should say not a real rant in the world. I then open my Facebook and am assaulted with the opinion of a friend’s friend that immediately sends me into rant territory. Now you will have to stick with me on this one, because this is a touchy one, a political/religious one and I am in NO way prejudiced towards or against ANY faith or religion. As far as I’m concerned, you can believe whatever you want, you can tell me about it even, as long as you are tolerant of the fact I may not agree, I might disagree on some points but at every juncture EVERY person involved in the conversation will show some fucking respect and tolerance. As soon as you start spouting anti anything at me, I get stabby and that’s where the friendly conversation ends.

Because, I’m deadly serious here, there is ONE thing I won’t tolerate it’s prejudice of ANY type. Though I am well aware that given the political and religious climates that our world lives in that some religions get a bad wrap and may be treated with a bit more caution than others, Islam for example. I DO NOT blame Muslims for this, I don’t even blame Islam for this. WHO I do blame is the extremists that have utilised religion to make a political stand, committed horrendous crimes against humanity and as a result if you are Muslim/Islamic then yes your life just became a whole lot harder. Is this fair? No not really. But is it understandable? Well actually it really is. Because fear breeds caution, breeds hypersensitivity and it sure as shit breeds extra security checks. Is it fair to the every day Muslim wanting to board a plane? Fuck no, but in context of the world we live in today it is just something that has to happen. I look at the INDIVIDUAL and even the COLLECTIVE, 99% of whom are good, honest and non threatening, who now must actually be victimized by extra security checks, background check ect and the presumption of guilt before innocence is high. But I do propose that this is NOT the populations fault, it is NOT the media’s fault (though the do like to sensationalize) but it IS the fault of the extremists who have utilised Islam (or any other religion) to kill thousands on innocent people. You cannot blame the authorities or the population for being wary, it’s not like extremists wear coloured shirts or announce themselves but I do recognise the frustration that ANY innocent Muslim faces and the prejudice that goes along with it. Is it fair? No? But my question is, is it justified? The answer to this, unfortunately for all involved would have to be yes. Which makes me sick to the stomach.

The article I refer to this morning was about a flight being delayed out of JFK for 11 hours while the seating was rearranged to suit Jewish custom, men and women being segregated. The actual poster was informing the world had this been a flight full of Muslims that it would have ended in terror arrests and terrorism would have been splashed all over the news. Do I think he has a point? Maybe a small one, I will concede that. But then my next question is, would that actual reaction have been justified? Unfortunately I have to say yes. I will take the time here to point out that 11 hours seems like a VERY long time to rearrange seating arrangements and that I’m sure that in that time, terror checks were done, all passengers were background checked and there was nothing to be found. Making it a non story, hence the non reporting in the media (well except the anti-Jewish papers). Had it been a plane full of Muslims, I’m sure the same procedures would have been implemented, the same background checks, the same time delay but the substantial difference is this likely would have made mainstream news. Is it a fair double standard? Not by a long shot, but it is also a well-earned one. You cannot fault the media (too much) for reporting on events like this, being treated as possible terror activity, that has been investigated, when we live in an age where international terror threats come from mainly Islamic countries, where the bulk of international terror incidents have come from Islamic countries and where there are still horrific crimes against humanity, ISIS anyone, being committed by Islamic EXTREMISTS. I would argue that the media in this case, is not sensationalising the risk, but showing the population in general that they are acting out on the very real risk, have security measures in place and protocols that are being followed to protect innocent civilians. Innocent civilians include people of all races, religions, creeds and origins. I would think, even while it is unfair, that an Islamic family, traveling with their children on a flight that had extra security while on some level would be a little miffed that also the reverse of this is they would be grateful. Because they are just as big a target as the rest of us. This is NOT Islam’s fault, but the fault of the extremists who use Islam to commit horrendous crimes. If the situation was reversed and I as a “Christian” was tarred with the same brush as Christian extremists, I’d likely be unimpressed. Honestly, it would likely make me seethe. Though my seething would be aimed at the secular group that has made it this way, the extremists, NOT the people trying to protect my family, myself or the general public. I sure as hell would not be comparing it to the way other faiths are treated, just because the plain straight fact is that MY religion HAS these extremists that have earned ALL Christians this label, this fear and I am unfortunately caught in the middle. I wouldn’t be eying other religions and drawing comparisons and comparing apples to oranges, in the way we are treated. The sad fact of the matter, is the minority of MY religion/political origin has made this so and the blame falls directly on them and no one else. So to complain that a plane full of Jewish or Christian, or Hindi or whatever else religion, doesn’t get the same press coverage as an Islamic/Muslim flight, has nothing to do with prejudice but to do with history and the relevance in the terrorism filled world we live in. Last time I checked no other religion was responsible for bombing World Trade Centres, bringing down multiple planes, bombing marathons or beheading reporters. I agree that this is NOT Islam’s fault, it is the fault of political extremists acting in the “name of Islam”, but the fact remains, I cannot tell who is “acting in the name of Islam” and who isn’t, just by looking at them and nether can those who are in charge of protecting us all. This includes the Muslim/Islamic population who are just as horrified as the rest of us, over these terror attacks.

I actually have a very good friend who is Iranian, Muslim, and we had a discussion about this recently. An educated discussion about this. The way that Islam is actually being used to drive a political agenda, that the faith is but a tool for a tyrannical government to commit horrendous crimes and that how Islam exists today has very little to do with the actual faith, but the political landscape in which it lives. In which it grows and the way it is utilised. Unfortunately, like is the cases with most minorities or even majorities, that a large subsection gets tarred with the same brush as the extremist and people are frightened, uneducated and prejudiced due to this.

A great example of this is in a community close to my own there being the potential construction of a Mosque. Now this is causing all kinds of issues, the general population (non-Muslim) are outraged. They have cited everything from too much noise, to too much traffic, to disturbance to their way of life and whatever else BS excuse they can think up. The crux of the matter is that it’s got nothing to do with ANY of this, it’s based purely in fear. Misplaced fear and ignorance. The Mosque, I dare say, poses very little disruption to their day-to-day lives. It poses NO risk on their personal safety FROM the congregation (if that’s the correct term) but it does face disruption and safety risk from ignorant protestors and those who are uneducated enough, ignorant enough and stupid enough to tar every one of the Muslim faith as a “terrorist”. It makes me physically ill, that people go to such lengths to protest a religion, that for the most part, at least here, are harmless. They assimilate into our communities, their children go to school with our children and they are our friends and neighbours. This seems to be fine on a personal level, but if they gather for religious purposes people lose their fucking minds. These are the EXACT SAME people we associate with EVERY day, call our friends, socialize with even but put in the context of practising their religion? That makes people ignorant and frankly fucking disgusting.

So the point for today’s blog is NOT to judge anyone based on colour, religion, creed, political affiliation, ever. It is not fair. But to also recognise that there, when it comes to terror policy there is a justifiable double standard. Sure it’s not fair to the innocent Muslims, it really isn’t, but those who are educated enough and intelligent enough blame the people who ARE responsible, the extremists and not the government or the people in charge of trying to keep us, the general population safe.

My other message is for those of you who ARE ignorant, who ARE judgemental based on faith rather than recognising ALL religions have extremists (history is full of Christian extremists, as well as any other religion you care to learn about) you need a fucking hard smack to the face. A religion or a faith or even a political affiliation does NOT make a person a bad person, a terrorist or even an extremist. You should not tar them all with the same bigoted brush, regardless of fear. Every person should be evaluated on the base of their character and personality, religious and political beliefs aside. My final point is those who are unfortunately targeted unfairly, need to look squarely where the blame lays (outside of uneducated fools) but the extremists that have committed hideous crimes in the name of religion and STOP pointing out double standards. Yes they exist, but they were earned. NO they are NOT fair, but even if you are of Islamic/Muslim heritage, these rules are also put in place to protect YOU too. Yes you have to go through extra checks, you are ignorantly eyed up and down before a flight and yes you do carry an element of fear to the rest of the general public. The fact is you can’t blame the public for this reaction, because it’s not targeted towards you PERSONALLY, it’s targets at the possibility you MAY be an extremeist. Though it’s a bitter pill and it may be hard to take, it’s an unfortunately legacy you have to deal with due to the extremists bastardising your faith and political views to suit their own purposes and commit horrendous crimes.

While it’s horrible to deal with, unfair even, it may be these very precautions that one day save you your lives from a terror attack too. It’s a disgraceful double standard, but it is one that is well-earned, so lay the blame where it REALLY lays. As for the rest of us, time to wake up and realise extremists exist in all shapes and forms and to tar someone as a terrorist or an extremist based purely on faith is unacceptable. You’re Muslim neighbour is likely just as much at risk as you are, but they also have the added “bonus” of all the negativity that surrounds their faith. Think of it this way, imagine living your day-to-day like with everyone looking at you like you are a white supremacist or a member of the KKK, just  because of the colour of your skin. Walk a few steps in their shoes, see how it feels and stop the cycle of fear and ignorance. People are just people. Extremist are extremists and unfortunately extremist can be ANY person. We have the government and authorities to look over these things and monitor them, there is no need for YOU the average person to decide who is what. You’re not qualified. If you think you are you need a fucking kick up the ass and to realised you’re an uneducated bigoted moron who is PART of the problem and NOT the solution. You are ADDING to the terror climate we live in today. Make a conscious decision to step out of that and try acceptance of the individual, rather than tarring an individual with the brush of a very small group of fundamentalist extremists. Otherwise, you might as well become a white supremacist. Your halfway fucking there already.

Not pictures today this is not a “fun” blog but very serious and I expect it to be taken that way.

I also thought this John Oliver piece made for interesting viewing. It’s sort of related and sort of not. But is an example of Terror Laws gone too far and being far too undefined.

Greatest FB User Hates!


Being time poor seems to be my new bloody way of life, which means my ranting gets put on the back burner, sorry about that. The more frustrating thing is I still have plenty to rant about, but by 10pm at night I just can’t be assed sitting down to spew it all out onto paper. This makes me all kinds of itchy and with a massive rant backlog! Fun times for those around me. I’ve got an “MSG is a bastard” rant and “Fuck the flexing iPhone 6 screen split” rant in me, just need the time to share my rage sufficiently. No half assed ranting on those topics because they make me positively stabby.

Though today I’ve compiled a top 12 of my most hated FB users. I’m sure you can all relate and have unsubscribed from these feeds or blocked these users. There is no simple defriending in my world. If you find yourself banished it’s a permanent, blocked and cease to exist as far as I’m concerned thing. So if I ever disappear from your life, without announcing the deletion of my FB or at least having me tell you I’m shutting it down, you can suspect one of these two things. 1. I’ve blocked you or 2. I’ve deleted my account and you’re not important enough to have been told directly. Though if it makes you feel better you can pretend that you might have missed the “I’m deleting my FB” post, which of course would disappear with me. You’re welcome!

In no particular order:

1. Vaguebooking: the dramatic grab for attention that insinuates the account owner has something big going on but doesn’t actually say what it is. Resulting in concerned messages or demands for explanation. This is generally met with “I just can’t talk about it” or the even more dramatic “I’ll PM you”. Fuck that shit, I don’t care enough to beg and I outgrew guessing games in primary school. It can’t be that bad or private if you’ve taken the actual fucking time to FB about it. Stop attention whoring!


2. The single-minded agenda: this poster has certain beliefs, political, religious or random that they just ram down your throat continuously. SO much pomp and ceremony to accompany them. Like if they post it enough they will validate their opinion and convert you. Since 99% of people are stupid, you can safely assume I already have MY opinion on whatever you’ve posted and yours? Unless it’s the same as mine, is wrong. Mood dependent I might just point this out for trolling entertainment. Nothing like a good troll to brighten ones day.

3. The inspirational meme poster: OMG if you’re so damn full of inspiration or in need for it, get the fuck off FB and get some. Posting horrendous amounts of positive memes won’t make you positive or inspired. Actually more likely the opposite. Also any sane person is just rolling their eyes at you. You inspire me to want to punch you in the face. So you’re at least inspiring something I guess. Huzzah!

moto meme

4. The passive aggressive poster: generally combined targeted Vaguebooking and horrendous “I’m so superior and love myself” memes. They are trying to piss someone off or send a message to someone. They just don’t have the stones to do it directly. Well fucking done, you really told them. If they realise it’s about them or if they actually see it. Hear that noise? That’s your spine on the floor begging to be used. Man the fuck up and just say it. Though a bonus to this is it’s likely that several of your “friends” actually think you might be actually talking about them and be suitably offended. Nothing like random plebs thinking you are insulting them and a Vaguebooking FB war to ensue. Fun to watch. Me? I just assume you’re not talking to me and if you were I wouldn’t give a fuck anyway.

unicorn shit

5. Look at me: the incessant selfies, progress reports or general commentary on how much they are achieving/ how great their life is / how wonderful they are. Sure your life is great, your partner and relationship perfect and you shit like a unicorn, all sparkled glitter and rainbows. We believe you. Ermmm if this was true you wouldn’t feel the need to tell us all, you’d either be out living your perfect life or would actually have it together enough not to have to validate yourself through others telling you how great you are. Low self-esteem, check. See you really show us the opposite, the sad pathetic side that needs validation. Here I’ll validate that, you’re sad and pathetic!

look at me

6: The children picture/ anecdote overload: it’s ok to share pictures or anecdotes about your kids. Just realise that other than close friends and immediate family the rest of us have zero interest more than a passing one of your crotchfruit spawn. Actually the more you post, the more we dislike them. They are special to you but over all not so special. They’d better get used to it, this is how life rolls. Don’t set them up for failure when they have to grow up and realise they aren’t fucking special, like you’ve been telling them their whole life. Do them a favour!

7. The bragger: look at what I bought. Look at what I did. Look at who I know. This is an extension of the “look at my wonderful life” poster but is generally aimed at showing off how socially or financially important or prosperous one is. It’s normally the reverse. Those who are actually socially important or fiscally affluent don’t go flashing it around because to them it’s just normal, nothing to show off here. So sorry not buying it at all. But thanks for playing.

8. The TMI poster: you get to hear about their latest sexcapades, their bodily functions, their medical history or basically a bunch of totally “I don’t need to know” information. No one cares if you just ovulated, if you just had epic sex or the weird rash you have. Honestly we don’t. Unless it’s funny, to us. But we are laughing at you, not with you. Otherwise you should stop and think before your post “does the world need to hear about this”. The answer is always fucking NO! Learn to regulate yourself please. Though if it’s funny, keep it coming. Nothing like laughing at the whore who’s got a weird rash “down there“.


9. Try hard: trying too hard to be funny, witty, likeable and basically seeking social approval from a relative bunch of strangers they don’t encounter in their day-to-day lives. We can all see through it, you’re not funny or witty or even smart. You do score highly on the irritability scale though. Don’t even try, you’re more likeable that way. Not actually likeable, but more so.

10. The post/opinion stealer: they like what you’ve posted so much that they try to pass it off as their own. Whether it’s a thought, an opinion or even just a meme. We get it, you have no capacity for free thinking or ability to coherently write your own opinion. It’s funniest when said post stealer has tried to paraphrase an opinion and it makes absolutely no fucking sense, even to the poster. Even more fucking funny if they are questioned about it and just can’t back up opinion or post with anything new. You wonder if they actually comprehend anything about what they’ve posted! Jesus, if you can’t articulate what you believe, I’m not convinced you even understand the topic enough to have an opinion. Best just to remain quiet and have people assume you’re stupid than actually “talk” and confirm it.


11. The competition poster: they have to try to one up either everyone or certain people on everything that they have posted. It never ends, it’s a constant stream of “look at me” and “look what I have” that has suspicious timing with the “competitor’s” posts. Competitor is usually oblivious to competition until it continues and we step into “single white female” or “keeping up with the Joneses” territory. You’re sloppy seconds, we get it. They are who you want to be, cooler than you and more likeable than you. No wonder you can’t keep up. Stop fucking trying, it’s pathetic!


12. The feed spammer: must share every damn thing that enters their peon brain as it happens. So many posts, so little time and even smaller shits given. No one needs 15 minute updates on your life or wants them. We don’t need to hear every pathetic thought or weird epiphany as you have it. Really there should be a spam feed folder.

Special mention to “the continual woe is me poster”, the “everything in my life sucks and I’m doing nothing to change it poster”, the poster who just likes but never comments and the poster who only contacts you when they want something…. Bonus points if on any of the aforementioned if they tag people in them specifically.

Dr Past Employer…


Well there is nothing like meeting with your new employer and coordinator’s to open your eyes wide to the fact that past employer has just wasted the past 9 months of your fucking life. Dabbling your toes in the wading pool that is their research verses world leading cutting edge type stuff. So all I can say to them is fuck you, the bill is in the mail. I work on billable hours and you owe me around 120k. You better fork it out our we are going to have a world of issues that need to be addressed and me going out of my way to steal all your funding is going to be the least of your problems!

You assclowns had me doing stuff that is so under world standard if you even think of putting my name on the publication, I’m coming to cut you in person and Magnus is on the way to collect shiny eyeballs as we speak. Fuckers. I’ve just been introduced to cutting edge technology that involves monitoring micro expressions via mathematical algorithms, galvanic skin testing, mapping of neural pathways and in real-time measuring of cortisol (stress hormone) levels. You? You had me looking at perceptions of a certain population. You see the difference? This is how your “soft science” becomes “hard science” and cutting edge. It’s how advancements are made and how we don’t all just end up just pissing in the wading pool.

We’ve stepped into the global ocean  and you can kiss my ass from as far behind me as you are. Your “what the fuck you stole her” email was met with many laughs. Really an angry email to my new employer? You have to be kidding me! It comes under the don’t give a fuck banner.


So today is my second day of my new job and basically I’m going into meetings get to claim my territory and eye off all the other researchers. Of course I’ll have my usual impeccably dressed self and attitude to match. Got to make a lasting impression and that’s I’m not to be fucked with. See the world of research is highly competitive and my field even more so because there are only a few of us in the country. So to them I’m the “newbie” who they will be assessing for potential threat to scholarships, grants and be in their minds right at the bottom of the pecking order.

Well fuck that suckers, pecking order has changed. I’ve paid my dews over the years, so while I’m new, I stomped this territory nearly 10 years ago also. In the interim, I’ve stomped in several other territories. They are going to need to respect this and realise the newbie, not so new. Also the newbie was headhunted and that deserves some fucking respect. They applied, I was handed. The fact I’m choosing my research team should be a clear indicator I’m not to be fucked with and to be taken seriously! So they better take notice. Who am I kidding, they likely hate me already. Good. A taste of dislike will keep them on their toes!


Of course I have my superpower of looking dumb. So initial impressions will confuse them. How did SHE get here?? WHO is she? And of course WHY the fuck is she here? Let them judge and be all kinds of confused. That suits me perfectly. Means I already have an advantage. I’ve been underestimated and that is always people’s downfall. They see a pretty face, a well put together persona who’s immaculately dressed and they immediately coin me as “a dumb blonde”. Awesome, see that assumption will have them think they have the upper hand, rather than really knowing the playing field. Which has just changed dramatically. The fact I have my own office, should be a giveaway, but visual first impressions always overrule rationality. Winning.

So let me grab my best boots and head out to stomp again on this playing field. Perma smile and sweet as pie nature. If they are as good as reading behaviour as they should be, as I am, then they will know the score instantly. But that’s a big IF, because my behaviour will be specifically what I want them to see. Can they see through what I want them to see? How good are they really?

Game on!

*sigh* turns out there is no one to play with. I’m IT as far as researchers go. Employer is very selective and I’m the only selection in past 5 years. So bonus there but also means many a sycophant wanting to join my team. Round 2 of interviews will commence next week. These are the most fun cause I get to ask you negative things like “tell me your weaknesses”, “tell me a time where you failed to reach target” and “tell me where you want to be in 5 years”. The answers to these questions are important. I’m looking for honesty, self admittance and accountability and someone to look me dead in the eye and tell me they expect to be my boss and believe it. Of course they are wrong, but hey if the shoot for the top, they might just hit something close on the way down. If they have it in them. Time will tell.

I also get my own bunch of undergrads to torture next year and as sure as the sun does shine if you don’t turn up, you fail. You will earn every single mark I award you and I won’t be handing them out freely. You wanna swim in MY pool, there is NO floating allowed. So I hope the poor bastards are ready! They will thank me for it one day, if they don’t drown in the process. I might be the boss/lecturer from hell but I’m also the one who will weed out those who are here for real and those who want the P’s for degrees. No for them it really is GAME ON!

The only down side is I have 6 weeks to nail genetics. I have a mediocre understanding at this point, but I need to be better than mediocre. Genetics for dummies’ I hear you say. Nah, that’s for dummies’. So first and second year medical school genetics textbooks are my new best friend. Oh eidetic memory it’s times like this you’re a blessing and not a curse! Just got to be able to comprehend what I can see in my memory. Somehow I feel punnet squares aren’t going to cut it. But I’ll nail it, always do… So challenge accepted!

* The lack of proof trading is brought to you today by a brain absorbed in genetics and nothing more.

** The lack of pictures is brought to you by WordPress being a prick and me being too lazy to go down to my actual computer, rather than my phone to post.

I Expect Too Much….


Well I should have known, since my first day at work yesterday went epically well that to balance things out the universe was going to be a massive pain in the ass today. I SHOULD have expected it, but as usual I expect too much and it comes back to bite me in the ass. *sigh*


If I ever needed proof that we live in an ass backwards country, this would prove my point. You’ve already heard me rant about government departments who pass the buck and have you chasing your tail to find out who is responsible for what. The end result being no one is responsible for anything, unless they are chasing you. You try to get them to act on a complaint, around you go. So why should our postal system be any different?



You all know I purchased and sold several iPhone 6’s to overseas buyers, for a nice little profit. Yay me right? What I didn’t count on was the postal service refusing to carry items due to the fact they have lithium batteries and are classified as a “dangerous good”. You would think since said batteries can be taken on commercial flights, both in cabin and cargo, that there would be no issue. I’m certain several million iPhone’s, iPad’s, iPod’s and laptop’s ect fly each day with no fucking issues at all. You want to send one overseas unaccompanied, like a small child, then they refuse to take it? What the living fuck? It suddenly becomes a “dangerous good”. Oh you can send IF you take the battery out. Yeah Apple and the buyers would love that, goodbye warranty and plus I wouldn’t know how to even start to try to remove a battery. They are called Apple Geniuses for a reason.

So at 8am this morning I get a call from my local post office, “your parcel has been refused by customs, please come and collect”. Oh Jesus fucking Christ, really? The only reason is the battery. So I start to panic as I have 6 phones paid for that have international homes to go to. Hang on a second, how did they get here? They were flown in cause on the side of the box says “assembled in china” and as sure as shit they didn’t come by sea. Ironically they are going back to China.


So I do a little bit of digging. Turns out this is POSTAL customs we are talking about, not FEDERAL customs. Federal customs have no fucking issue if you fill out about a gazillion forms and get them sent by DHL. So the post office AND their head office really have no fucking idea when it comes to customs. “It can’t go out of our country and it can’t go into China”. What you REALLY mean, but don’t say “is through our service cause we are a bunch of fucking assclowns and have a stupid dangerous rule in place because we are too lazy to look at paperwork”.



One phone call to DHL, phone is declared, booked, paid for and they will pick up. Great. Three times the price but hell at least it goes to where it’s supposed to. Though I have to treck to the post office and deal with plebs to get item back. No issue on the item but when they wanted to keep my fucking postage fee I lost my shit! What the fuck do you mean you are going to keep my money because you accepted something for post that you KNOW can’t be posted? What it is is written on the customs form. Epic tantrum ensues and for me to epic tantrum it’s like the equivalent of an overtired 3-year-old, coming off a sugar high who is sick and all kinds of pissed cause the iPad has run out of batteries. Major, epic scene. See I’ve learnt in the past the bigger the tantrum, the more likely they are to give you what you what you want just to get rid of you. Absofuckingloutly worked again. It should never have needed to cause me to lose my shit. You don’t provide a service and then why the fuck should I pay you? So at least my loss of total control and ranting and raving got me back my postal fees. Likely burned off a few calories too. I’ll take it.

first class


So I sit here and wait, with my gazillion pages of paperwork for the private courier company to come and pick up the phone, to pop it on the SAME plane as the national postage service parcels, for three times the cost. Just because we have a lazy government-owned postal service. Well this fucker better be sitting up there in first class, cause that’s the ticket I paid for. Assbackwards country, you really have some explaining to do. The ONLY country in the world that won’t send phones through the postal service and you need a courier instead. So today you earn the title of Epic Grade A Cunt, for both that and trying to rip me off. Lets just hope the day improves from here on in, but you know if it starts off bad before your feet have even hit the carpet that things are NOT going to go your way today. So breathing deep and just rolling with it. Pass me the Xanax and some wine and let me wash the tilt away!

Apples v Oranges. Or Apples v Apple?

So after today’s birthday party and a conversation with a friend it’s led me to ponder the success of Apple products today and whether their sales are a result of brand loyalty or because of the innovation and quality of their products?

I will give them quality, no competition in my mind, when it comes to smartphones, who has the better quality phone. Though the new Samsung has bridged the gap considerably and may just be the same, but I’ve never looked. Why? Because I’m an Apple lover…. I’ve never had reason to stray.

But innovation? I actually think Apple are letting themselves down. For sure others are in some areas trying to catch up, have caught up and superseded. Overall Apple in comparison to their competitors  seem to have stagnated. The innovation we’ve come to expect from Apple, where is it today? It seems to have passed with Jobs.

I can sit here and ponder this on my shiny iPhone 6, which but for the size, the functionality is much the same as the 5 with an updated iOS. What does this 6 have that the 5 didn’t? Why are people lining up for days to get one? Well it sure as shit isn’t because it’s a better phone than the 5. I’ve had the 6 for 48 hours now and can say that without a doubt. The difference IN the actual phone, when it comes to features is next to nothing. It’s come to the table empty-handed. Which, from what I expect from Apple, is very disappointing.

Yes you get a better processor, a better screen, a better camera and let’s hope to fuck a better batty life. But I EXPECT that with an upgrade. That’s why it’s an upgrade and they are standard things, but not being totally tech obsessed the subtle differences to me aren’t noticeable. No WOW. Just expected. Do I expect too much? If I do Apple you only have yourself to blame!

So that leaves two options. I’ve said Apple still has questionably better quality phones than its competitors, so take that out of the equation. That leaves us with “Apple sheep” in relation to brand loyalty and the show off factor. Everyone wants the latest and “greatest” version of something. I ponder how much of Apples sales fall into these two parts of the spectrum.

Some might argue brand loyalty doesn’t play a part and the consumer buys what it wants. I would argue brand loyalty is what’s keeping Apple afloat in the phone department. It’s not the innovation. Apple, to some, is like a religion. Let’s face it if they were religions you’d have Apple v Android (or windows based) phones. You are either one or the other. Not many flip their side of the coin when it comes to preference. Or walk both lines at the same time, it’s one or the other. You might get the odd dabbler but generally you’re an Apple devout or an Android devout. While sales for the iPhone 6 were record-breaking in the opening day, I ponder will this trajectory last or will they find themselves floundering as the novelty of a new phone wears off?

I actually think the answer to this question is a yes. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that the iPhone 6 (not the plus) won’t sell as well long-term as the iPhone 5. Purely based on lack of innovation. The market is fickle, consumers liked to be wowed and told what we MUST have and they can provide. Apple I’m still waiting to hear why I must have a 6. This from the person who went on a 48 hour mammoth non sleep bender to get a 6. I will be looking more closely at other phones features, because I see nothing new here. What do you have that I didn’t know I needed until you offered it to me? That’s innovstion, being able to give the consumer something new, that they didn’t even know they wanted, that they hit MUST have.

My guess is also a lot of sales are for show. Let’s look at the resale of the 6’s on eBay and people paying 10x what they retail for to have one NOW and not in the next coming months. People love to be seen with new and shiny products. Look what I have. I’ll put my hand up, I love the fact I have a new and shiny 6 and no one else I know does. It’s the narcissist in me. You know when people are willing to pay ridiculous amounts of money to have something immediately, it’s hedonism making the call and not the brain. Hell if you offered me 2k for this shiny new object, I’d sell it to you, after having used it and seen minimal differences between it and the 5. I’d bet someone who’s on a waiting list backlog with Apple would pay me that. Because it’s all new and shiny and they HAVE to have it. Though once played with, the shine wears off and it’s just a phone, like your old 5 was. That’s right *gasp* I said it, it’s just a phone. Apple do you hear me, the 6 is just a phone. Just isn’t good enough with fickle consumers.

So Apple that leaves me to ponder your future and my future with you as a consumer. What are you giving me that I need that until you told me I didn’t know I had to have? You’re going to have to show me something. Brand loyalty got me to get a 5, a 5s and a 6, flying on the coattails of the innovative 4. But when the 6s or 7 roll around I question how compelled will I be to purchase one? Brand loyalty only gets you so far and I think you’ve pretty much gotten as far as you’ll get with that. So I think it’s time to put up or shut up. Show me why I need you, why I want you and why I must have you. My faith is wavering with your lack of innovation. It got me this far but I don’t think I will go a step further without you giving me something I’m wowed about. It’s like the iPad, I’ve lost all interest and they’ve been handed to the kids. Some of those android tabs look very inviting (HP I’m looking at you sideways) and I feel the urge to stray coming. Which says a lot. I’ve been a iPhone person from the 3s till today…. But will I still be here waiting for you to wow me, while others are doing a better job? Likely not.

So my salient point is and remains, if you compare Apples to Apples, 5 years ago to today. Today’s Apple looks just as you’d imagine the one from 5 years ago would look if it really was an apple. Out of date, leaves a bad taste in your mouth and sending you on a search to find a new “Apple” and pondering if maybe I’d prefer an Orange? Innovation Apple, find some or like I predict, even the most loyal Apple devout will stray.

So tell me, I beg you, what do I NEED that I didn’t even know about till you told me I needed it?

Love, Hate And Don't Get It Celebs

Ok MrBmB isn’t going to divorce me over second kitten, so sorry fella’s I’m still off the market…. And unhinged. So nothing has changed. Thinking of calling him Zeus. Cause a Zeus and a Magnus seem to be a good name match for a cat and bird! Or Bosco. Just cause. Wondering if walking around yelling out “hey Zeus” is as funny as it seems to be in my head!

I was going to write a bit about the new iPhone 6 but at the moment the best I can come up with is “it’s like Apple built a Samsung sized phone”. Mainly due to size. The plus HAS to be just an iPad mini you can use as a phone. Cause if this fucker seems huge, then I can’t imagine a bigger version! My phone pockets of my designer bags are screaming “you wanna stick that fucking huge thing where?Feature wise? Meh, it’s a little fucken lacking as far as what I expected. It really is just a bigger 5 that has apps that are better suited to your iPad (Pages is an example and a version of PowerPoint. Basically you have Microsoft Office on your phone).

So yeah it’s bigger, that’s the extent of the review. Would I go on another 48 hours no sleep bender if I could have a do over? Absofuckingloutly… It might not have made much of an impression but at least I have an impression. It might have some more handy things I’ve yet to discover yet, will keep you updated.

Ohh I literally just discovered you can answer a text mid doing something else, without having switch screens. That’s cool. So liking more. See need to discover the new features as they pop up, literally, cause I’m far too lazy to look them up.

Anyways because I’m having Master 3’s Birthday Party today and need to prepare for that, this is a list of my top 12 hated, loved and I don’t why they are famous celebrities. In no particular order.


1. Taylor Swift – annoying slutty bitch. I wish she’d shake it off the edge of a cliff.

2. Lea Michele – diva, limited talent and profited off milking the death of the “love of her life” and spent anniversary of it with new boyfriend away on holiday. Classy.

3. Shia LaBeouf – Asshat

4. Rhianna – diva, slutty cunt.

5. Mark Zuckerberg and all FB cunts – obvious reasons already mentioned.

6. Tom Cruise – Scientology? Oh please.

7. Brangelina – just fucking irritating and all the selfless charitable acts they make money off. See no such thing as a selfless act post for more detail.

8. Miley Cyrus/ Paris Hilton/ Lindsay Lohan / Any Kardashian / Kendra / Nicole Richie / Kelly Ozbourne and “those” types – they are stupid.

9. Jenny McCarthy – so many fucking levels. Stupid. Immunisation scare mongering and the way she devalues the ASD community by saying she “cured her sons autism”. You mean he was misdiagnosed?!

10. Justin Bieber – complete twat.

11. Kristen Stewart – resting bitch face syndrome and Twilight. She looks like a right miserable bitch!

12. Robert Pattinson – not good-looking, face like a smashed crab, bad actor and Twilight.

Honorable mention’s go to
John Mayer – some of his music is great. He’s a douche bag.

Also Gwyneth Paltrow and Natalie Portman because they are so pretentious.

There are actually loads more I could add but they were the ones who sprang to mind first. It’s mainly women I realise but male celebrities seem to fly under my bitch radar.


1. Zach Braff – Scrubs, hilarious and seems like a good guy. I’m told he is as well.

2. Louis Theroux – love his documentaries and his goofy way.

3. Matt Damon – he helped write Good Will Hunting. Told he’s a good guy. Affleck I pretend had nothing to do with GWH.

4. Russell Brand – don’t agree with a lot of the shit that comes out of his mouth but man that dude is smart! Gotta love the “not stupids”

5. Adam Levine/ Cee Lo / Will.i.Am – great judges on Voice. Also because Adam is hot, Cee Lo cause he’s so random and Will.I.Am all the quirks make him great!

6. Robert Downey Jr – just totally swag.

7. JLaw – ok actress. Silver Linings Playbook she was brilliant and her interviews are ALWAYS crazy and off the wall. Never fails to amuse.

8. Simon Cowell – well cause he’s a bastard and not afraid to show it!

9. The Bloggess – best blogger ever.

10. Zach Galifianakis – between two ferns is fucking brilliant . Hilarious guy.

11. Jim Parsons/Hugh Lawrie – Sheldon Cooper one of the funniest characters ever. House fantastic characters. Both act amazingly.

12. Will Wheaton – all round good guy. The “nerd speech” was epic!

Honorable mention to Peter Capldi for making Dr Who watchable! Also Robbie Willams because I’ve met him when working in a hotel in the UK. Nicest guy and didn’t act like a bastard at all.

Along those lines. Anyone else Remember that shoe “Monkey Magic”…. Everyone remembers it but has no damn clue what it was. Re watched an episode awhile ago. Wow! Totally blew my mind. Made zero sense and I was obsessed with it as a kid!



1. Beyoncé – she can sing but where is s personality? Yawn. Plus being called out in skinny app’ing her photos? Gold

2. Miranda Kerr – just a pretty face.

3. Orlando Bloom – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a move with him in it and I remember him being in it.

4. Chris Heamsworth – ok actor. I think his popularity is based on his physique in Thor.

5. Cameron Diaz – just don’t get it. I don’t rate her on any level.

6. Jessica Alba – See above

7. Mila Kunis – again see above.

8. Ashton Kutcher – just seems like big kid and nothing more.

9. Jennifer Aniston – nothing to do with Brandgelina. Just dull.

10. Jessica Beil & Justin Timberlake – again just really dull.

11. Kate Middelton – seems ok but don’t get the adoration.

12. Hugh Grant – don’t get it. All I see is floppy hair.

Honourable mentions go to Ryan Gosling, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Garner, Nicole Kidman and Leonardo DiCaprio. I’m sure I forgot somebody in there that rates highly, the irony.

Jude Law, it’s Jude law.


That’s all folks!


Everyone Needs A Friend

blue bi colour male

So I’m sitting here plotting, trying to manipulate and even coerce MrBmB into getting Elliot, otherwise known as The Genius Grumpy Cat, a playmate. See I think she misses her litter mates terribly, she misses the kitten interaction and this is whats making her all types of neurotic. Or maybe she is neurotic normally and hell all of us neurotic people know there is nothing better in life than playing with people who are just as neurotic as you are. Who the fuck am I not to provide her with that absolute glory in life? Now MrBmB is dead set against this idea, he thinks that one kitten is enough. But since Elliot has a major cat boner for him, I think it’s really just because he is sick of being smooched all over. Big fat fucking deal, this cat might just love me more! Did you ever think of that MrImSoSpecial? So while he is busy saying NO, I’m busy setting up the deal with the breeder we got Elliot from, because let’s face it other than the neurotics, she is a pretty awesome cat. Was litter box trained and everything. Plus we have a king sized bed, big enough for me and two cats if MrBmB follows through on the divorce threats. Ha! Like he ever would, I threaten him with sole custody of the 4 spawn and that puts an end to that. Plus I have boobs, so I win, it


Speaking of new friends, my shiny GOLD iPhone 6 just arrived at the door. Well when I say arrived at the door I mean I ran out to the carrier and pretty much crash tackled him for it. Ohh “I haven’t got you in the system proper”… I don’t care fucker hand over the phone or we are wrestling to the death and I KNOW you have a truck full of other iPhones in there, so odds on I’m fighting to win. Which means I’m not fighting fair. I want the da,n phone, give it to me. Ok problem solved, phone opened and then I realise I haven’t backed up my old phone in AGES and I need to do this before I can even start playing with my new phone. Fuck, I really have the dumbs. Why didn’t I do this last night? I’m an idiot and now I have no one to blame but myself for the 30 minute wait I’m going to have to endure before I can actually play with it. Fuckity, fuckity, fuck.

What I will say is it’s  bigger than I thought it would be, and it’s NOT the plus version.  That thing is basically just going to be a tablet that acts as a phone. After seeing the size of this one, I’m certain I made the right call not to go with the plus for personal phone. The other fucker, while might not get lost as easily, would for sure stretch all the pockets in my designer bags and we can’t have that! So this size will do. OMG, did I mention it’s FINALLY here, its gold and the epic 48 hour no sleep bender was totally worth it?

So short post today, I have kittens to sell to MrBmB and a phone to play with… so long suckers!

Also that’s why minimal…. I’m suer you will get an update ON the phone and about Mr New Grumpy cat tonight… And my marriage status. If I’m available I’ll let you send in head shots and we can go from there!

Dear Twitter Hacker.

teitter numbers

Today I want to say a giant FUCK YOU to whomever, or whatever thought it would be hilarious to hack my Twitter account. Because waking up to all sorts of spam, even the pornographic kind, are just a little hard to stomach without my initial coffee IV infusion. Even more frustrating is the fact I had to wait several fucking hours to fix this issue because I actually have a life. I need to feed, cloth, get kids ready for school and drive them fucking there and then drive home again. So it had to get put on the back burner.

So I stewed for a good 4 fucking hours on this. All the time the spammer keeps spamming my account. First thing I did, since such spamming like this, when I checked the spam ads, ISN’T free is check my PayPal account.

Now I KNOW who it is, I had some very suspicious transactions on my PayPal, so disputed them. Of course I rang first thing and it’s all been sorted but the damage is fucking done. While I have the $700, yeah you read that right, $700 of my money they took back, my Twitter account and followers have paid the price. I’ve coped all types of abuse from aggravated followers because they were not only spamming ON my page but also IN messages. If I was them I’d be fucking angry too. Actually the clue should have been that I’d been receiving spamming messages, but I just chalked that down to assclowns buying Twitter followers and this being part of the price they paid and thus as having them on my list, I had to bend over and take up the ass cause I didn’t know whom was who. No I didn’t report them, maybe I should have, but I figured if you’re desperate enough to buy twitter followers AND spend money that dobbing you in would just be plain mean of me, there are already issues there. I’m not going to add to them. Each to their own.

Now I realise that they might have been hacked, just as I was, and I’m glad I didn’t report. I would fucking hate to have someone’s Twitter suspended or deleted because of some evil hacker cunt. That would suck big fat hairy ones. So I’m glad I at least ignored them, now I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. But please all out there check your twitter, secure it, look at the apps that have access to it and stop these bastards in their tracks. I’d also change all PayPal passwords or at least make sure they aren’t the same. Stupid me has had to change my Twitter password so many times, I reused the same password, so more fool me. Stupid! I own that one.


One of the hackers I managed to track down, via PayPal and the huge fucking sum of money he took from me is VERY angry. Threatening all types of things, like having my account suspended and saying I committed fraud for reporting transactions for getting MY money back for transactions I didn’t authorise and never would.

Since I didn’t authorise these transactions in the first place he can shove his tirade up his fucking ass! Now he might have been wronged too, maybe someone hacked my PP as well, and put the funds into his account, but that seems fucking unlikely. Unless there is someone out there who thought that actually hacking my PP would go unnoticed and that this guy really thinks he provided me with a service “I paid for” of adding me followers. How many times do I say I’m not here to be liked or popular? They obviously didn’t read my blog. If that’s the case, then yes I feel bad for him too, but be fucked if he’s keeping money that I didn’t authorise to send to him. Let him work out, along with PP who the real problem lays with. That’s what they are fucking for, but we all know PP are useless and all they care about at the end of the day it THEIR profits and not protecting the consumer. So I think it’s safe to say that nothing will get done. So now I have a fucking account deletion hanging over my head, that I did nothing to fucking cause and all I do is waiting to see if Twitter are reasonable if/when my account gets suspended. Though since I have ZERO faith in the people who run all these kinds of websites, the chances of this turning out good is slim to none.

So a huge fucking thank you to whomever the cunt was that hacked everything. I’m not even sure how it’s possible, I wouldn’t have thought so, but people always prove me wrong in the most fucking epic way. I ALWAYS underestimate the amount of cunts there are out there and how they just like to fuck with people for fun. Though I should assume this isn’t for fun, but to make money. Or maybe it was revenge of some sort? That’s if the angry threatening cunt really is innocent. I just don’t know anymore. Fuck, people really are cunts. I doubt his innocence now though.

end you

All I can say is when I find out who IS responsible for this, then they ARE going to pay. It’s one thing to troll, it’s another thing to hack my Twitter account but steal money and I’m coming after you ALL guns blazing. So whomever it is, you have been warned. You just went to the top of my most wanted/must be punished list! I’m going to fuck you up so badly that you won’t even know your own name by the time I’ve finished with you and in this case you are VERY welcome!

Oh and as an added bonus TRYING to lock me out of my account and a handy app that let’s me track followers and unfollowers gives me a huge list of 5k+ either fake/hacked or illegal accounts. Twitter is going to have fun going through them all. Sorry to all the legit users who may have utalised this bastards services to boost numbers but since you let them control your account and I can’t tell who’s good and who’s bad, I’m sorry but you’re going to become collateral damage.

Like I always say “don’t fuck with the whore with a dick”… Nice Jewish saying that one!


Don't Piss Me Off Or You Will Pay

So I’m sitting here fucking fuming, like off the wall and I’m about to leave my body types of angry. You know why? Because my past employers are a bunch of fucking spoilt babies who are now having an epic tantrum because not only did I dare to change jobs but also I’m still applying for the external grant that they wanted me to apply for with them. Oh I was the perfect candidate, I couldn’t miss out and all that jazz. They were more than fucking happy to sign off on it, add in a recommendation and sing my praises from the rooftops. When I was applying under THEIR banner.


So I switch jobs, grant still fits in with the new job and I ask for the recommendation that they were supposed to have given me already, I really should have gotten this before I quit. My dumb! Then it would have been in the bag. You know what thy tell me? Oh we have changed our minds, we have more suitable candidates here we want to push. So in other words, motherfuckers are holding out on me because I switched jobs. NONE of the grant money actually goes TO them, straight to me, so it’s not like they are having a financial loss. It’s not like I left them high and dry, I’m still working on their damn project (free of charge) so I honour my commitment I made to them. Though in the space of 1.5 weeks, since we have broken up they have miraculously found several other BETTER candidates for it that myself. I call total and utter bullshit, because these candidates were there when I was there and I was right at the top of that pile. So I’m calling craptastical lies and it’s their revenge. Well let’s just see how sweet that feels, when that work I committed to finishing for you so you can keep you GOVERNMENT grant isn’t completed. You won’t know till it’s too late. See, last laugh is on me assholes, you still need me! Though I need you like fucking rabies.


I can get someone to sign off on it from YOUR University, cause I have connections there and I’m not afraid to fucking use them. This person is even higher up than you are and your petty behaviour will not go untold. So fucking bend over. See that GOVERNMENT grant you’re relying on me to get the stuff done for? It’s attached to 5 other grants and when you fall at this hurdle and I’m certain “oh our former employee failed to deliver and we sat with our dick in our hands for 3 months and just thought she’s do it” which I will deny and NEVER put in writing, isn’t going to look too good. Me I’m in the clear! My resignation email made sure of that. Never put anything in writing, is going to look so fucking epically bad that they can kiss the several million dollars worth of research grants goodbye!

Oh and my job in all of this will be to pick up what they drop. See these grants may have been allocated to one bloody institution, but hell if you fail to deliver, then it’s next in line and it just turns out that I went to the next best place for these grants to go. Actually I think I went to the better place. Since there is such a rivalry between these institutions, just one suggestion from me that these grants might be looking like falling through and they will be all over it. See that’s what I love about the corporate world, it’s results driven. Don’t show me the plan, the outline or anything else; just show me the fucking results and the fucking money. If there are no results, kiss the money goodbye. Oh looky here, I have some results for you. Not that I have given them to the stupid first institution, see they never made me sign them over. So here they sit in my hot little hand and make you look fucking terrible. Fuck I might even complete said project independently and submit under new institution; see how you like those apples fuckers. This is why you get people to sign ethics forms. Idiots.


The best part is I know exactly where past institution was failing to meet targets, I know what they were good at and I can make sure any application I put forward getting these grants changed over, is going to fuck them right up the ass. See this is what happens when you just say to me “don’t forget about ethical responsibility” and don’t have me sign a do not disclose, because ethical responsibility can be interpreted as I have an ethical responsibility to my new employer right? To get all the fucking funding possible. I have NO ethical responsibility to the old institution that wasted a year of my life, with a purposeless project and then refused to deliver on the promise of a recommendation. Well fuck you cocksuckers, I now refuse to deliver on ANYTHING that I committed to with you. No sign, no dice, no recourse. So bend over and take it up the ass. You think you were pissed before, when I left, wait till I’ve screwed you sideways for this. Up until now I was feeling ambivalent and like it was even, now it’s fucking war and trust me, you don’t go to war with me and EVER win. Your funding, you better get ready to kiss it goodbye! I’m about to embrace it with open arms and welcome it to a better, brighter and likely more useful place, my new world. Every time they hear my name in the future, I hope past employer sees red and wants to burn, cause that’s just how I’d like it to be.


Luckily for me the rivalry between these two institutions keeps a very large gap in the professional networks. You are on one side or you are on the other. I’ve been on both sides, several times in fact, so I know how the dance is done. I managed to walk the line very well, I’m a sociopath, it comes naturally. But I normally play nice, don’t burn bridges and behave myself. Now I’m shitting in a paper bag, setting it on fire and throwing it on your front porch, as the ceremonial stomping that is to become our future relationship. You see the fact you BOTH headhunted me, gives me a lot of leverage. Because deep down you know you still want me, you sent me letters telling me you want me, filled with praise, endorsements and all these wonderful things. Plus al the emails saying “oh of course you are the best candidate we have for this scholarship, by a mile, you have x and x that the other don’t”. Thanks for handing me my winning argument, as said skills are very specific and you can’t learn them in a few weeks. They are university honed and clinically honed over YEARS. They now become part of my arsenal when I steal every scrap of funding I can from you. You? You just look bitter now because I switched over to the competition, which really offered me a much better deal. This is business after all and sorry, the winner is always the person who offers me the most, not necessarily in monetary terms, but also in prospects for advancement and fuck they gave me an office, all of my very own. It’s not even a cubicle, so I’m winning on that as far as most people in my field go. The dumbest thing you ever did was not get me on retainer, on contract or sign any confidentiality agreements. I guess I have a face you look like you can trust. OMG the laughing, it hurts. Of course this will now bite you in the ass in epic style. Funnily enough new employer has already got me to sign these things, before I start. No fear though, with my legal training, I found a few loopholes that I will exploit at the end of all of this. Cause sure as shit they wont own my ideas and new intervention strategies, can’t if I’ve trademarked them already in general terms before I hand them over, can they? Fuckers. See I am always thinking several steps ahead. But the fact remains old employer, you won’t deliver, can’t deliver and wow I will use that as an opportunity to fucking end you for this little temper tantrum.


I’m now procrastinating. What am I procrastinating? Well tomorrow when I’m officially back in the job market, I actually have to have my research team picked. Which sounded all fine and dandy yesterday and then I started to ponder it a bit more. What if god decided to smite me, just this once and hand me an entire file of unlucky cunts or even worse, what if they are all women? Fuck no I CAN’T have that, all the bitching, backstabbing trying to get to the top, the syncing of menstrual cycles and then a whole team who is PMS’ing so bad that it literally is a blood bath. Ack, I know terrible joke, but I really just couldn’t help myself and I stick by it. So suck it. I can’t vet files on gender alone, I wish I could, but that’s illegal. So now I actually have to read files and come up with justification why my team is ¾ male based. This shouldn’t be too hard, as I can spot weakness a mile off. Though it might mean interviews. Again I’m going to take a friends approach. You walk into my office, stand no chair, you have 10 minutes to tell me about results and how you’ll get them or got them in the past. That’s it. I don’t want to hear what is in your CV, your life story or your back history, eidetic memory remember. So this is your first test. 10 minutes are up and your out of there, not a second more. The good thing with this is women love to talk, men just get to the point, so that’s where gender selection can come into play, they interview better this way. Women also can be told this from the outset and still don’t comply. If they can then maybe they have earned a place on my team. We shall see, I will also be assessing diva quality and willingness to really take it from me, not complain and get it done. Trust me with my behaviour analysis skills, I will know the truth from your body language, facial expressions, eye direction, eye contact and even your choice of words. So unless you are the real deal and come in and are a lot like me, then you’re not coming back. Simple.

first impressi

Oh did I ever mention how I got head hunted from second company? I went in asking for a letter of recommendation and they asked me where I wanted to be in 5 years. My answer was “Truthfully, think of your boss, their boss, their boss and one position higher, that’s where I’ll be if I don’t quite get to where I want to be. Which will never happen”….. Since this person is also very good at behaviour analysis, she knew I was telling the truth and meant every word of it. See THAT’S how you get a job, by saying you want the best job possible in the shortest timeframe possible, believe you can and have the skills to back it up. No bullshitting or pandering or trying to find the right answer. There is no right answer. There is the piss poor what you think they want to hear answer and the truth. Of course they got the truth. Fuck I really should have said I’d own the company, but I’m not fucking paying for it, they will give it to me!


There Is No Imitating Me!

Hmm it seems it never did get posted, it’s sitting on my phone with about 3 dozen unpublished blogs. Insomnia is a bitch and this is how I spend those nighttime hours. At least its sort of productive.


The say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I want to know who the fuck that was and slap them till they bleed. Let’s face it it’s not flattering, it’s damn well annoying and a giant pain in the ass. You know why? Because you’re not me, you never will be me and I’m afraid your dumb and I’m not. I really try to refrain from calling people dumb to their face, because that really is just kinda, mean. I tend to go with interpretive dance, they don’t get it and point proven and no tears shed. Not that I care about the tears I just don’t have to deal with them.

So I’ve decided to list my all time hates when it comes to being an unoriginal copycat who wouldn’t know a new idea if it bit them in the ass. To be fair they are blinded by my brilliance, so we need to take that into consideration.


1. The Sycophant.

This is normally the first stage in the single white female relationship. This woman wants to insert herself into your life, be your new BFF and can appear to be quite normal at this stage. Agrees with everything you say, always has time to catch up and it’s like you’ve hit the friend jackpot. It’s more like crackpots, but that’s to come. Sure it’s a little odd you like the same quirky things, that you seem to run into her randomly a lot but you really think nothing of it. She seems pretty cool, because she’s modelling herself off you. And let’s face it your as cool as it comes and I have met a few other woman over the years who are cool. Not me cool, but their own version. You bitches know who you are! Holla!

Yeah warning bells should be starting to go off, just slightly. Listen the fuck up. This could save you a lot of time and crazy. Not you crazy, or at least me crazy, I’m proficient at sticking that into a giant fucking big black hole of a vacuum and leaving it there. Not even tempted to delve in… Unfortunately this realisation comes later in the 5 step process.

sycophant upload


2. Starting to get right up in your business stage/ morphing into a version of you.

They want to know everything about you. Birthday, fine. Anniversary, fine. Kids birthday’s, fine. Which doctor you go to, fine. These are all reasonable things friends share.

Then stuff like bra size, the exact colour of your hair, how often you have sex, how many times you tried for kids and basically everything from what you ate for breakfast to how it came out. Look I’m a narcissist, I love to talk about myself but even I get weirded out when we start to head into this territory.

Then you notice their dress style has changed, they have a new hair colour, their new “surprise gift” from their devoted husband smells suspiciously like your signature scent and the dead give away? They start to talk just like you. From opinions, to sayings, to inflections and in my case swearing like a trooper and trying to pull off epic tantrums. This is a natural gift. So they are generally left floundering like a fish out of water, while you watch. Look I could jump in and save them but by this point I’m creeped out, amused and really want to see what this person is made of. Chicken shit, it’s always chicken shit. It comes back to having the dumbs. So flounder they do. “Why didn’t you step in?” They ask? Because you daft bitch when have you ever had to step in to save me? That was your test and you failed miserably. All the excuses in the way home, just hammer in further how unlike we are. I don’t have excuses, in the rare occasion I might have a reason . But if I’m ever bested, which is next to never, total props to the person who did it. You go on the Christmas card list!


3. The competition stage.

By this stage they have decided that they are just fucking like you and need to prove it. Everything is a competition and they are always trying to one up you. Have I mentioned how damn boring this stage is? I saw it coming. You won’t one up me ever, you will fail miserably, no matter how many times you try. Please stop it’s embarrassing. If I take pity in you I remain silent. If you annoy me enough I’ll have you arguing around in circles just so the end you’ve just disproven the point you were trying to make when you started. I’ve also ramped up the wardrobe to my fave men and women. Jimmy, Louis, Gucci, Versace,Stella, Burberry ect. Still keeping up? Or racking up the bills trying. Please stop you’re embarrassing yourself.


4. The argumentative stage

Now they have ether gone one of two ways, they in their twisted brain have decided they are better than you, unlikely. Or they have come crashing down back to the real world are realised they aren’t you. So with that, they have decided to become the anti you. So everything you say is wrong, they have an uneducated opposing view on everything and even if you say the sky is blue (technically it’s not, it’s the reflection off the ocean but meh, that’s 3rd grade science) they will say it’s cornflower blue to both disagree and one up you. Now is about a good time to pull it the year 3 science lesson. Even better if you can get Master 6 to deliver the news. You just got outsmarted by MY 6-year-old…. Me? Hahahaha! Never yet, though he tries but I sense the first ever is coming. I came out if the womb winning and manipulating and nothing has changed. I think I’ve told you my mother refers to me as the devil. Ahhh. The love.


5. The chase me stage.

This is the tantrum stage where they have an epic meltdown and place all sorts of weird restrictions on your friendship to test how far you will chase. The answer to that question is, not at fucking all. Your own your own and I’m free.


Of course there are extra provision to these rules. The one that NEVER really goes away and gets stuck at stage 4. See they really can’t let me go, they just are that addicted, who can blame them? The passive aggressive “friend” who never replies to status updates or blog posts but conspicuously has an opinion It usually appears to 1-3 days later, when they have time to come up with something they think has out witted me but “doesn’t want to argue it, just citing opinion”. That I guess is flattery and likely well judged fear. See I won’t ever argue my point a second time if someone feels they need to respond outside where I’ve posted. Not because my opinion has changed but cause your chickenshit way of making yourself heard deserves no respect and none of my time. Plus said argument is pretty much invalidated by link to my initial opinion piece. But thanks for playing.



Now I know you’re wondering why I don’t put a stop to this at some stage in the process. Firstly cause watching the process is fun, I get to sit on the sidelines with popcorn and pull you back down to earth when needed. Plus you NEVER really know just how crazy this person might actually be and by step 2 or 3, they know a lot about you. It’s in your best interests to let them call time on the relationship, because they really might be a threat. Pull weird shit and who knows what they are capable of. Of course once they step over a line a restraining order can go in place but they have to overstep that line. It’s not a good idea to push them over it, cause a step on their part will be less dramatic and dangerous than you pushing them. So you really just need to sit out the clusterfuck of a ride. I’ve had to do it several times over the years and avoided police involvement and bodily harm every time. But honestly, if they were really totally nuts and not just wanting to be me in a kinda twisted way and not the classic single white female real type of way, I’d have a restraining order slapped on them faster than you can blink.