Oh life, I’d just like to give you a giant FUCK YOU today. I’m not in the best of moods to start with. I have what I like to call a “social hangover”. Which is code for a migraine coming from having to deal with people in a social situation and having facial muscles that are so sore from the effort of smiling that makes it feel like I had some type if toxic 12 hour Botox that was injected into my face to give me the perfect perma-smile. I smile less than Kristen Stewart generally. So feeling all types if fucking fantabulous.
Then there comes the having to deal with more people, but the total assfuck variety, rather than just people-people. Unfortunately these aren’t the social kind you can just banish and never have to think about again but the inherited type, when you marry. Yeah fucking in-laws, who are the bane of most people’s existence and my existence also at the best of times. When they actually decided they are going to participate in our lives? Well they inspire all types of hallucinations, voices in my head and plans for total destruction. Of them, not me, but hell I’d take me out at this point because at least then I’d be free of them. The only suitable gift for my mother in law is a silver bullet and I’m not even sure that would be effective.
This “woman” is all types of rage inspiring (though I find most people inspire rage), I’m sure even the devil dislikes her. Or she is the devil or at least related. Either way I’m sure he despises her just as much as I do. Fortunately for me life is finite, the afterlife not so much so, so he’s going to be stuck with her far longer than I am. Poor bastard.
See my mother in law IS the Anti Christ, I’m certain of it. No I’m not exaggerating. She’s a true psychopath, I joke about being one but I’m a sociopath at best. Don’t be confused there is a HUGE difference between sociopath’s and psychopath’s Sociopath’s especially the type like me that actually ace the morality psychometric testing? We are all types of awesome. So what is the difference I hear you wondering, well other than a souls, is ANY type of moral compass, moral fiber or respect for any other human being.
See she thinks she rules the world, since her said world exists only in her head, then I guess she is partly right. It just so happens that that world isn’t the same as the rest if us live in and when those worlds collide? Carnage. Of the most spectacularly fucktastical craptastic and destructive kind.
If the ground was capable of opening up and swallowing a person whole for evil then she would be on the top of that list, even above Facebook and Samsung Class A Epic Cunts. Is there a worse phrase to describe a person than a Class A Epic Cunt? There has to be or I’m going to have to retract the label from the earlier recipients and give it solely to her. Cause she is in a class all of her own. Thank fuck, because if there was more than one of her I’m certain that existence as we know it would be pulled into a black hole vortex of pure molten evil. Is there worse than evil? There has to be because that just doesn’t seem strong enough. If you knew my mother in law, you’d agree. You’d likely also be so mindfucked from how wholly encompassing vile she is, you’d run screaming for the hills, vowing never to return. This might explain how Atlantis sunk and the Mayans disappeared. They got scared and smart. I’m convinced she’s been walking the earth since the beginning of time, Medusa head and all and torturing any poor souls that crossed her path ever since. I’m also pretty sure she’s the reason dinosaurs are extinct. She inspires such a reaction.
Your likely wondering what Mr BmB thinks of this rant? He thinks I’ve gone soft and this is the nicest thing I’ve ever said about his mother. He’s right. Now I feel sick. I am being faaaaarrr too nice. What the fuck is wrong with me? I blame the social hangover. My brain is still too mushed up from dealing with people to do this creature justice. Though if there was any type of justice, she’d burn alive for all of eternity. I’m holding out hope for that. I know, hope generally leads to disappointment but it’s all I have at this point, which as a narcissistic, opportunistic, OCD, sociopathic and particularly steel backboned woman’s this requires something like lithium to deal with. So a “normal” person? She’d eat them alive and does. Preferably it would be her medicated with the lithium but I’m sticking my had up if I can’t find a way to smuggle it into the blood of innocent children she drinks at night to keep her alive.
So here I am, dealing with my social hangover and her near world ending tantrum over being told one simple word “no”. See that’s not in her vocabulary. Well actually it is, but she has two vocabularies. One that she uses for others and one others should use on her.
Since we’ve met dear reader and I’d like to think we know each other quite well by now, you would realise NO is a word that features strongly in my vocabulary. Which is where the issues we have, begin and end. Well if we are not taking the evil madness and total disconnection from the real world state she lives in into account. You see she has an opinion on everything. In her world opinion is synonym for directive. Well she sure as shit hit the daughter in law jackpot when I sashayed into her life, didn’t she? Because until then no one had dared to take her head on, let alone win.
See dear reader she totally overestimates the level of control she has over me, the effectiveness of her tantrums and my willingness to be a sycophant like the other in-laws that married into the family who will bend over with a smile and take it up the ass. Here? Up the ass is a no go zone, unless I’m doing the delivering. It’s that simple and over 20 years in her peon brain has still yet been able to grasp this concept. She’s not so bright, she still hasn’t grasped I’m not controllable generally, let alone by her.
See she’s met her match. The harder she pushes, the deeper I dig my heels in. The harder she tantrums, the more I laugh. The bigger the demands, the closer to massive disappointment awaits her at the other side. If there is one thing I’m sure over in this life is my mother in law will NEVER get her own way when it comes to me and my family. You know why? Because unlike anyone else she’s met in life, she doesn’t scare me and I don’t give a fuck what she thinks. Remembering this is less than zero fucks because with zero fucks at least I pretended to try to count. I’m not even going to try to pretend with her. I work on billable hours and she can’t afford me. Or manipulate me. She’s tried many a times and failed in spectacular fashion. Her absolute rage delights me. It actually gives me the sustenance and fortitude to continue on my own merry way, so jokes on her!
I know you’re likely there thinking well Senior Mrs BmB and Mrs BmB sound kind of similar. But let me assure you we are not. Polar opposites of the same personality traits but in the most psychologically significant way. Other than the important distinction between psychopath and sociopath (see above table) and the difference is what sets us apart. While our personality traits may be similar it’s our motivations that have us worlds apart. I’m all for the big picture, the greater good and fighting the good fight for a cause that’s worth fighting for. She is only motivated by self, ego and no doubt capable of really physically harming another human being. I could never really do the latter, I’d have to pay someone to do that for me. Cutting isn’t real physical harm is it, really?
Yes I also have hefty doses of the others but I also have a social conscience, do not believe I’m omnipotent and while I can be the devil to deal with, for a good cause, she is just the devil inherently for every cause she has, that begin and end with her and her need to control. I recognise control as an illusion and nothing more. She actually does not get this and while one might have the illusion of control it really is at the deciding of the second party. The second party actually being the one in control but letting the former feel they are in control. Anyone who has seen the movie Wag The Dog will know exactly what I’m talking about.
So while on face value we may seem very alike, though my horns are retractable, once you scratch the VERY thin veneer that she occasionally wears to try to pass herself off as human, under it there is nothing but black.
There is the other major difference, she is dumb, the worst kind of dumb, the dumb that thinks it’s smart. The type of dumb that is so fucking spectacular it makes you doubt Darwinism, natural selection and the evolution of primordial ooze. It’s a total fucking head trip.
So now I’ve purged my mother in law from my brain, until next time she attempts to stick her foot in my life and my business again, she is banished into the darkness from which she came.