Weddings Bring Out The Best In Me…. The Worst Kind.
Weddings are supposed to be blissful occasions full of joy, merriment and alcohol. Actually that might be Christmas? Whatever the important part is the alcohol. This would be because it’s not my wedding, been there, done that and while I’m sure it was a wonderful day all I have is a montage of flashes in my memory, no I wasn’t drunk, but it just goes so damn fast and there are so many damn people, I’ve blocked the trauma out. Though I got a beautiful diamond band out of the deal, so winning on that front. Mr BmB? Yeah still trying to decide what he got out of the deal near 8 years in, not my problem. No I’m not old, no I didn’t get married young…. I’m in the middle of that. Yeah no docket either remember, so Mr BmB, no returnsies. Yeah say it again, poor bastard.
I don’t know what it is about weddings but I’ve yet to get through one as a guest and not have a major panic attack. Mine? I was fine, go figure. But other people’s? Well panic city. Maybe cause it’s “their special day” which shits al over “my special life” and it’s the narcissist in me? Or maybe it’s the PDA, I’m not big on that, get a room. I’m not big on touching generally all types of skin crawls, so PDA’s are not on my list of “to do activities to participate or watch, ever”…. You know how many germs other people have? Yeah how the fuck did I end up with 4 kids right? Lots and lots of alcohol and very hot antiseptic laced hot showers. Job done if I smell like a hospital after.
Yeah I’m a germaphobe, not to the point of washing my hands 100 times a day but sure as shit if I see someone who looks like they even think they might be unwell they better stay the fuck away from me. I can think of nothing that makes me shudder more than other people’s bodily fluids… Spit… Blood… Sweat… Tears (Though I love tears as long as they are induced by me and the unhappy kind)… And baby making fluids…. My skin is officially crawling and I’m swallowing fists full of medications ending in “pam” and drinking at 11am. Don’t judge me I’m going to someone else’s special day!
Working with and having kids, this makes life interesting. They are Petrie dishes of all thing viral, bacterial and likely to kill you if you don’t see a Dr ASAP. Yes my Dr is on speed dial and I’m a priority patient. The receptionists just know better than to leave me flipping out on the phone. Cause I will go in there, face mask and all and camp out till my doctor sees me. True story. I’m sure they have a 15 minute block each day assigned just for me. Could be her lunch break or Medicare is paying one bitch of a bill. Either way, meh. Medical crisis averted.
Trips to the hospital emergency room? Well they require near hazmat attire. See I have 4 kids, 3 boys and of course they now know me by name. First and last. I’m a frequent flyer. I live by the rule with my kids health one can never be too careful. If someone else comes to me with a sick/injured child, I can give sage advice, no problem, it will be fine it’s a boo boo. With my kids, all that advice goes out the window, like Merlot, and I go into panic Mumma Bear mode. To be fair ever have a child with Whooping Cough (immunized thank god) and it’s your first child, panic gets sort of ingrained after that. Bumps on the heads, concussions, broken elbows from trampoline spinjitzu’ing (what ever the fuck that is, master 4 couldn’t really shed much insight other than it mean he landed on the ground) and a multitude of high temperatures, appendicitis and newborn jaundice and we pretty much hit the express lane once we land there. They also know to keep the other sick people the fuck away from us, as far as possible cause it they are within 10 feet I am going to flip the fuck out, yell, scream, rant, rave and steal medical supplies till we are moved. We get out own room now upon check in. See crazy get you special treatment and shit done.
But back to weddings. I can honestly say I’m not a fan. I’m all for people getting married if they want, it’s just the attending I have issues with, no matter how much I like the bride and groom. You know why? Of course you do, there are other people there and it’s well established I DO NOT LIKE other people. Even friends of friends. Who I’m obligated to be at least polite to, because hating on the bride and grooms friends AT their wedding? No that shit ain’t going to fly, well at least until people are too drunk to remember and I can deny everything. We all know drunk people have poor memories and I’m never wrong. So shit went down just the way I said it did. Period.
So I’m off to a wedding. I get to get all dressed up and put on my Sunday finest on a Friday. Well I guess it’s better than a day at the office. Bonus points for the fact it’s being held at a vineyard, so there should be wine a plenty. If not, the diabetic in me can search out the grapes and eat them off the vines, because the sugar content alone will produce such an epic sugar high that everything will be right with the world. Short term. The comedown is the bitch to end all bitches. Add in my bitch factor and all bets are off. If you even look at me at me with what I interpret as the wrong way. I WILL fuck your shit up. Oh happy days!
Yeah still got crappy internet. So no pictures. Deal with it, I have to and that far more important than you having to deal with it. Because I said so.