Things That S**t me…. Not An Exhaustive List… Just Yesterday.

Ok so after Shitterday yesterday, which seems to have fixed itself thank god, with ZERO help from the helpdesk. Oh the irony. Automated emails that don’t address your actual issue but link you back to the help section of the site that you’ve already spent too much, i.e. any, time perusing for answers. Fucking annoying. Please email if you have any further questions. Argh! I do have further questions, along with my original question. Most of them consist of “why can’t you answer the fucking original question?”, “did you actually read my email or just end me a random bunch of links?” and “have FBC taken over twitter, is that’s what’s going on there”? I’m still waiting for a reply, pretty much to any of those questions, though since my twitter account is still up and running and I’m sure I likely violated some abuse of twitter staff policy, that they don’t actually read the emails. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, given my issue has resolved and I’m sure calling them “bunch of useless muppets that will go on the muppet wall” isn’t going to do my account any favours I’m calling it a win. If I disappear, you’ll know why!
twitter muppets

So shopping *sigh* Out in the big wide world, with people *bigger sigh*. OMG it was torture. Ok, well being out in the world not so much torture, but dealing WITH people just gets right up my nose. I’m not talking the population in general, though sometimes it feels like I could apply it to the population in general. I used to think it was me, now I’m not so sure. But that might be the narcissist in me talking. Who am I kidding? Let’s face it the word is cut half and half, ahh fuck let’s not pretend, its only 20% me, that at least 80% of the world’s population is nosebleed inducing stupid or annoying. We all know its true. You might be too polite to say it, but its true. Put two people in front of yourself at random and it’s unlikely you will really like, like actually honestly like more than on a polite level, either of them. One you can likely tolerate, just, or they fall in the unmemorable category. Then the other, you really can’t put your finger on it but there is negativity that you feel towards them. You don’t really know why, unless they speak and and the answer becomes obvious they are the dumbs, but your gut just says “nope”….. Trust me that’s OK and happens to all of us. Except if you’re drunk, then you have extremes, it’s love or hate someone. Nothing in the middle. But I’m talking the massive assumption here that most of you don’t go about your daily lives drunk….. Yeah life is pain, I know. But people are generally unlikable, deal with it. It’s the harsh reality that is life. Thought you hit pay dirt when you actually like someone, if they like you back. I’m not sure what you do if they don’t like you back, because we’ve covered this, I’m awesome.

im awesome

So yeah, it’s hard to like people. Lets not beat about the bush here. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to like sales assistants the vast majority of the time. No offense to any sales assistants out there, I know you’re just doing your job and you have sales quotas ect to meet. But I’m going to give you a HUGE tip here. There is helpful and then there is if you come any closer to me, shower me in false platitudes or shove more clothing at me with that fake attitude and pleasantries that WILL get you shut down so quickly that your head will spin. If you argue with me about what I want, what colours I can wear and how something looks on, then you really are going to cop a mouthful. There is nothing more irritating than that sweet voice that says “come out and show me when you have it on”…. Ummm, hang on a second this is not a peep show and I’m NOT coming out to show you, so you can shower me in false compliments, tell me how great the one size too big dress looks and try to sell me something that looks total crap. Trust me when I say the mirror in the change room is all the advice I need. Don’t start me on the trend of change rooms NOT having mirrors so you have to come out and look at an external mirror and giving the sales assistant the opportunity to pounce. Oh and everyone else in the store gets a good eyeful too. Not that that’s a major issue, by now I have a good idea of size and what I can and can’t wear. But it’s the boob issue again. Yep people are staring, other customers mutter when you head back into the change room “fake bobs?” Which I normally pop my head out and say “No they are real bitches. God gave them to me for free and did a spectacular job. ”

So anyways several stores later, several super annoying sales assistants later and I’m still dress free. I really actually could have bought the first one I tried on it was great, but the sales assistant so far up my ass I wont need a colonoscopy for another few years at the very least. When I heard her comment to Mr BmB about me being “well endowed” that was the end of it. Good old Mr BnM responded with “Yeah I know, that’s how we ended up with 4 kids”. Ha! What can you say to that? Shut right down. Now Mr BmB while witty and smart actually had no idea the actual nugget of gold he had delivered right then and there and I’m sniggering away in the change room. Sniggering and vowing that no matter how much I like said dress, I will not be buying it because I don’t like Ms Sales Assistant. There is an important lesson in there for all sales assistants, especially ones that cross my path. If I don’t like you, I wont purchase from you, ever! You get a chance to be helpful but get too pushy and commenting on my rack will get you banished. The exception to this rule is if I REALLY like something, like love it. Though then I call the second closest store to me, yes it might be interstate and place a phone order (having taken original details from first store), pay by card and have it sent to me. Yep I will go that far. If they ask why I don’t just go into my nearest store, because they have it in stock, I’m blunt. “Your sales assistant was a giant pain in the ass, you so far are not, so I’d prefer you and your store to get the credit for this sale rather than that pain in the ass.” Never had an issue with it yet. The only thing is they might ask me to pay postage. Damn straight I’ll pay postage to avoid having to purchase from original store, no problem. Now I have the item and asshat sales assistant is wondering why I never came back in. Good. The problem is most definitely you and not me and I don’t have the time or patience to teach you.

gc its you

So this brings me to today. I’m sitting waiting for a delivery. Not of any dresses I tried on yesterday, though I do have one on hold till tomorrow for shits and giggles, for a dress to arrive from interstate. Have I actually sighted dress? Nope. Tried it on? Nope? But went Internet shopping and then over the phone. After an endless parade of annoying sales assistants, this seemed the easiest route to go and one that wouldn’t land me in jail. I’m pretty good with knowing measurements and what will/wont look good. So I’m pretty confident I made the right call and am more confident that I will NEVER go shopping in person again. You know when baby BmB starts screaming at sales assistants, that there is something very wrong. Babies and animals just KNOW about people. Like a gift, they can tell good from evil right away. Which is why I’m sure Miss Xanaxy Grumpy Cat (see past blogs about this disappointment) IS trying to smother me in my sleep. Though she has a cat boner for Mr BmB. I’m pretty sure most of the time he’d trade me in for her too…. But for the time being he’s content to have us both and while he’s smothering her with love, I get to avoid all things cuddly and warm and fuzzy. That cat does have her uses. Who said you can’t have your cake it and eat it too?