Ok so today’s rant is a blog rant. That’s right, you read right, a blog that is ranting about blogs. How wonderfully contradictory of me eh? I’m allowed to be contradictory, really I’m a woman and that comes with the territory. Plus I really am a bitch, so what do you expect?
Though I guess I should be a little more specific. It’s a rant about those picture perfect sweet as pie, look at how great my life is, so much so the glucose spike from reading it near puts you in a coma. Or makes you want to slit your wrists, whichever way you lean. I mean really come on, it’s absolute drivel at it’s worst. Not entertaining, unless you’re actually viewing it to laugh at. Otherwise, well, it’s a little or a lot pathetic. Ok a lot. I’ll call it.
You all know the ones I mean. It’s like the all American advertising campaign for their life. Frankly dear reader I call total and utter BULLSHIT on it. Yes you read that right, its total and utter BULLSHIT! It’s so manufactured it might as well have a “made in delusion land” label. Or at least come with a warning label that reads “this is bit real life, this is fantasy blog land”.
That’s the funny thing about social media, we can be whomever we want to be. We can present ourselves in the very best possible light and no one will be any the wiser. Ok well the realists (i.e. people who aren’t stupid) will be, but there will always be those who believe everything they read on the Internet. They actually cheer these “bloggers” on with their what I can only hope is false praise, otherwise as a species Darwinism needs to step the fuck in! Yeah people who believe in chemtrails I’m talking to you. Natural selection, where are you?
I personally prefer the no holds barred, this is who I am and if you don’t like it you can suck it approach. What you read, is what I am. Be afraid, be very afraid.
So I decided to list my top 6-blog irritations. When I say irritations, I mean they make me so itchy that they make me want to scratch myself till I bleed type itchy. No joke. I initially had 5 of these, but I just felt I needed to include a 6th. They all deserve their moment to shine. This is not an all encompassing list but it’s the highlights.
1. The Gym Junkie / Weight Loss Blog / My weird new diet blog.
Ok so this one came first due to the large number of selfies included. I’m all for narcissistic vanity, but in others it irritates the living fuck out of me. Double standards? For sure, sue me!
You know the ones, the before, the after’s, the in the middles, the ones that have “omg I fell off the wagon” and everything in between. It should be noted that most of these actual selfies look the same, except the posters facial expression. There is nothing more amusing than an after shot where the poster is holding their breath, sucking in and trying to look natural. They generally just look like they are trying not to shit themselves. The even funnier part is you know that’s the best they could do in about 1000 photo attempts.
Spattered through these pictures are the “look how awesome I am I’m going to the gym” or the “I’ve just come from the gym” posts. Obligatory selfie of course. Because you know, if I tell you I’m going or have been I really must have because random stranger on the internet I hold you accountable for holding me accountable. Such level of trust. I volunteer to help you be accountable for your online spending too, send me your credit cards. Cause let’s face it those brand spanking new exercise clothes and shoes (yes I noticed they colour coordinate) didn’t come cheap. Though damn, they seem to last well and show minimal signs of wash and wear over your postings. I really need to buy the most expensive quality workout gear, if that’s how it lasts when used 4 times a day!
Of course then we have to add in the new weird diet trend they are trying that is AMAHzing and has transformed their life completely. Paleo, I’m looking at you. You know, the all organic, eat from scratch and…. Ahh fuck it, I couldn’t be bothered googleing it honestly. Let’s just go on the fact that dietitians around the world have panned it, called it unhealthy and as good as you feel now, it will kill you in the end. Colon cancer anyone?Paleo it up dear blogger!
Ahh, you know the ones. The perfect Mum/Dad couple with the adorable 2.5 children who look so damn cute in every picture they just make you want to squeal along with your ovaries, cause who doesn’t want kids if they THAT cute that right? STOP right there!! Bahahahah….. Ok I need to stop laughing enough to get enough oxygen in my blood stream so I can feel my fingers enough to type again…..
Ok I’m here. OMG who are these people kidding? If you have kids, have been exposed to kids by family/friends or even just happened to wander across one in a random mall/park/carpark/anywhere, you know first hand this is NOT how kids behave. Well unless you drug them, which is tempting but also likely illegal in most places, except Amsterdam cause all weird shit is legal there. So when I see blogs like this, I personally like to think of all the effort, the drama, the tantrums and the tears that went into creating this perfect post.
That’s just from the parent. Let’s face it the kids probably had a great time, they got to irritate their neurotic picture perfect parent no end, which is really part of their job description and what they thrive one. So while said parent is going batty trying to capture “beautiful memories” and “living in the perfect moment” I have to cheer that at least the kids are getting their own gleeful moments, to cherish forever. Nothing sticks with a 3-year-old more than Mum having a near total nervous breakdown over an “impromptu” photo-shoot of their “perfect” day… Well except the moment where they likely threw mud all over their siblings perfect white dress, because the white and denim colour coordination is so in right now or they had their own version if wrestle mania, just for shits and giggles. To said 3-year-old, you’re my hero, never change!
Well this brings me to ANY blog that opens with the line “So I was reading my friends (questionable at best) blog and they had this great post, so I decided to do my own version of it”. Obviously what they mean by “inspired” and “own version” is do a total rip of said friends blog. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, though honestly passing it off as your own borders on narcissistic. I generally like narcissism, I get it, on me at least. Though you have a blog, it comes with the territory. Look I’ll totally own that one too, again something for another day.
Look at it this way, I adore Monet’s garden. It does inspire me, it makes me want to write poems, sing beautiful songs, wax lyrical about it and hell even give painting a shot. Artistic I am not, so all these things will fail miserably, I’m ok with that. What I wouldn’t do is paint Monet’s garden and then put it on my blog and pass it off as my own and as “inspired by Monet’s garden”. Firstly cause I’d look stupid, secondly cause I’d look stupid and thirdly cause it is stupid. Though for a large enough donation, I’d give it a go. Never say my principles can’t be bought, for the right price. But then I guess the money and not the actual painting inspire me, so it’s a totally different argument. Money will get shit done.
Ummm right. So real. But damn you’re so positive, so chipper and just never have a bad word to say about anyone. Well you do but it’s so backhanded you hope people miss it. Nah, got it. No political views, you love God and talk to animals and they actually talk back. You never struggle with money; you never fight with anyone, though suspiciously you moderate ALL comments on your blog and you have it all together. No moderation here folks, free for all. You know why? I have my big girl panties on and external validation means little to me, it’s all internal baby. So fire away. Just remember, you never know what you might get in response. It’s almost a dare right? Shucks, yeah it is. Hit me with your best shot! No really!
Anyways, YAWN. Who wants to read this picture perfect so not real life shit, don’t we get enough of this from Disney movies? Does anyone walk away from this feeling good but the deluded poster? Of course not. Little secret, perfect blogger doesn’t care and gets off on the feeling of superiority. Not really so perfect after all. It’s like a game of undercover bitch.
I personally want to hear about the fight you had with your partner the other day when you lost your shit over them eating your food (ok maybe that was me), I want to hear that you had a meltdown when your 3-year-old drew a mural all over your wall with sharpie, that does NOT look remotely like Monet’s garden. I also want to hear how long it took you to get that “perfect” selfie picture and how often you really don’t eat Paleo. The real nitty gritty. I want to hear what pisses people off, revenge and all the tasty tidbits. Cause now THAT shit is interesting!
Lets be real, you’re as real as Barbie’s boobs, they are plastic. I’ve always wanted to burn Barbie, I’m not sure if it’s because she sets unrealistic expectations or just cause she is so damn fake and flammable it would be fun. Dear “Perfect” blogger, if you didn’t moderate your comments I’d be tempted to flame you too, bet you’d burn just like Barbie too, well if the tears from your obviously super fragile self esteem didn’t put them out first. Because that’s the truth, you have low self esteem and are looking for external validation. You’re in the wrong blog FYI. I’m now inspired to hunt a perfect blogger down and see how long it takes to crack them, just one nasty comment from them, just a teeny one. God are you real or listening?
Though I’ve noticed nasty comments are generally insidiously placed IN said blog, to gather sympathy because of all the Internet bullies/trolls out there picking on them. Oh god and the word bully, it’s a serious term people, but to be thrown at you cause someone caused an owie by telling you what the really think and it hurt your feeewlings. So STOP usung it, it’s disgraceful. Bullying IS a REAL issue, not a pansy people I don’t know said something I didn’t like in the internet to me. Grow a set. You put yourself out there, expect good and the bad. Personally I like trolls, means you’re thinking of me and if you take the time to post even doubly better, I’m in your brain…. Which means love me, hate me you’ll be reading, cause you just wont be able to help yourself. I hate to quote Charlie Sheen, cause he’s a bit of a train wreck or so they will have you believe, though 2.5 Men you seem to have fallen off the planet. But anyways, you’re reading cause you hate me, WINNING! Everyone needs haters, it’s what keeps the world turning and knowing you own that little piece of their brain that they just cant shake, priceless. Visa, there’s your next ad, you’re welcome!
You build a blog base, you make internet friends, you have followers and wow things are going great. Hey, people might actually like you through the computer. My theory is, those who need to be liked through the computer, obviously struggle in real life. I personally think I’m equably hateable in either setting. Yeah I said hateable, I aim high obviously. See the thing is I don’t care. I know you’re thinking, BmB you have to care? Actually no I don’t, didn’t I mention I wasn’t hugged enough as a child or something earlier? Or I failed the psychopathy test, hey true story, both axis, though I’m moral apparently, so this makes me harmless. On paper at least, time will tell.
The next logical a step is to take kickbacks from product promoters to mention their products on your blog, tell loyal followers/friends how much you like the product. Of course you weren’t paid, well except in the free stuff you scored, but lets just gloss over that part and the fact if you give an unfavourable review the free shit ends. Bummer. Everyone likes free shit, problem solved! So this leaves me wondering, being a moral psychopath, would I promote something for money on my blog? Hell yes, for the right price. Everyone has a price. But cause I’m moral this is your warning. See that, we are real friends!
6. The Foodie Blog.
I’m not interested in what your cooking, eating or seeing pictures of it. Not at all. Since when did becoming a “foodie” become trendy? Its like the new hipster or emo for adults, but with less eyeliner. We all eat, It’s safe to say most of us actually like food, since we aren’t on the sunshine to survive diet. But do I need to see everything you consume? I can’t help but think of what it looks like when it comes out the other end. Slightly more interesting, because there really aren’t enough poo posts on the internet. Yeah that’s a dare google “poo” and see what you find. Now there’s a lasting image that will stay with you longer than the pretentious foodie post, you’re welcome.
So well yeah other fake as barbies boobs bloggers, I think it’s safe to say I’m really just not that into you. I’d like to say its all me, but it’s not. It’s totally ALL you!
*oh and sure as shit this was inspired by real life people and events. Don’t you just want to meet them in person? To give them a high five to the face?
** I’m all for healthy and balanced weightloss and exercise. I’ve had more kids than most people but “my journey” back to being comfortable in my own body again wasn’t social media fodder. You know why? I’m not a needy dick!