I have to say that I love Sunday mornings or around mid afternoon to be exact, because time zones are a bitch. The actual morning, getting up and the beginning of the end of the weekend I could murder, with a smile. But come afternoon there is always a reliable pick me up, without fail. The message from the single friend that begins with the woes of the epic hangover they have but then always morphs into the most totally random accounts of the night before. You just never know what you’re going to get, it’s like Forrest Gumps’ box of chocolate’s delivered right to my phone. Without the sugar and the calories. Though guaranteed it’s going to make you laugh so hard that you wish you’d invested in adult diapers for this occasion, every single week.
Said friend is a little publicity shy. Well not really but since said friend can be as tough as nails and frankly their lawyers scare me, well not really because it seems they do a lot of sleeping and holidaying, they will be referred from hereon in as DG. You can safely assume the D stands for drunk, because without the drunk, this person is generally someone you can’t get a trick past. Well most people can’t, I can, but like I always say every rule always has an exception.
So what kind if exploits does DG actually get up to? The most epic in history, or at least the past month, is ending up in a totally different country with NO passport and NO recollection of how they got there. Bonus points though for identifying the country in the moment. It’s ok, they had a posse with them, when I checked in real-time and assessed the actual gravity of the situation. Though at this point I was a little tipsy myself having had my first drink (or 6) in about a year. Diabetics shouldn’t drink but the menu at the function I was at wasn’t diabetic friendly and I had to make a call, drinks or food. I stand by my choice. I assumed that between them, with what capacity I had at the time, they could stay out of jail. Someone in the posse spoke the language, minor win. Plus I wasn’t there to make situation worse as I tend to respond to situations like this identically to DG. Winning. DG ending up in jail in a random country, especially this country, would not end well. The go to “Do you know who I am?” would have ended up with a resounding “fuck no” (debatable) and certain “who gives a shit” (translated by language speaking posse member who also inebriated and wouldn’t think to edit and negotiate… No the lawyer not on holidays with them, where the fuck are these lawyers? Do they exist?) and them in the slammer. This would be all types of bad. DG is bad enough but SG (sober) would have died a million deaths when the reality hit. SG is a little spoilt, deservedly so, they work hard AND smart enough that they can spoil themselves. So ending up in an asspit, being generous, of the earth jail? The tilt would be so epic and I’m sure I’d hear it from half a world away. I’m sure it would actually make international news, because this person pissed is capable of all things labeled “international incident”. Luckily DG had dropped passport at the border and the lucky bastard got away with this drunken adventure. Though I have pictures to prove it, filed away in the “shit that might be very useful future” folder on several devices. None of them SamsungCunts!
Another thing is DG likes to shop. Like a crazy woman at the Black Friday sales. Which would be fine if DG actually needed the items purchased, or the quantity purchased. See DG doesn’t do things by halves. Why purchase 4 of something when you can buy 4000? You know cause when you end up in random country with shit like passports gets lost easily, you can buy your way out of things with a bulk lots of totally random objects, right? Cause they would still be on your person, passport be damned. I’d let DG and posse go for 4000 sets of shoelaces, wouldn’t you? By the way, if you’re in the market for shoelaces, I think I can get you a good deal!
So we’ve established that DG likes to shop. My all time favorite shopping story is when a DG decided to purchase several pairs of footwear, made for sport that DG doesn’t play…. From DG’s own online shop. No freebies for DG, as a responsible business owner DG knows you should always pay yourself for things you already own. DG also has a strict no returns policy. So then SG had to ride in on his white horse to save the day. DG purchased white horse by the way, SG appreciative I’m sure. SG leaving a very firm note for DG that in future returns will not be accepted and a firmer letter for SG warehouse staff to never process an order by either DG or SG, just in case DG tries to fool said employees by impersonating SG. DG is crafty!
Another beauty is DG accepting a random FB friend request. Well maybe not so random as it appears, after a picture of a mysterious girl appears on SG FB marketing his brand on her face in a state of undress, but tastefully done, if there is such a thing. Personal judgement call. Of course SG thinks DG is genius and is wetting himself. Lawyers are MIA (running theme here) and moi needs to step in to give a little free legal advice that consists of “take that the fuck down you plonker, do you realise the possible legal ramifications?” Picture is removed but FB friend request has been accepted and forgotten as DG leaves the building and SG makes an appearance. It should be noted here FB friend request is separate to face girl, but they are related somehow. Still trying to work that one out. The mystery.
So the trolling begins, which is harmless flirting but epic trolling. Whole FB page is violated. But being the crazy OCD woman I am, after new friend is blocked from DG/SG FB page this is, I do what any good crazy and opportunistic friend does, a little digging. Oh the gold! Hours and hours of gold and screenshots which are distributed by myself, at infrequent intervals, to SG as tasty morsels while he enjoys a nice 3 Michelin star restaurant with good friends. Heartburn material for sure. FB trolls friends? We can safely assume engage in the worlds oldest profession. No judgement here. To make it clear here face girl does not, did not and wasn’t, well with DG at least, engaged in this profession. He doesn’t need to roll that way! Lawyers if you happen to have finished your endless summer vacay’s and siestas please note I said that and sit the fuck back down, I got your back again. Bill is in the mail.
So I’m trolling ex new FB friends friend list. It’s the things that dreams are made of, blackmail wise. I’ve lived a pretty full life and I can honestly say I’ve never seen as many boobs, asses, provocative poses and the world biggest penis all in one place. Yes I’ve seen Boogie nights, for the record.
That “shit that might be useful later folder” now takes up half a terabyte hard drive. I just hope no one ever finds it because why I have this shit is a long and convoluted story. I’m not sure I’d believe it if I heard it, after seeing it, but it remains cause it’s absolute pay dirt as far as torturing SG goes. Random pictures at inopportune time (for SG) is total opportunity for me. Of course I’m an opportunist when it comes to unprovoked torture, we’ve met right? He knew who I was when he chose to remain friends with me, sober.
So this morning my eyes open at the ass crack of dawn, as anyone with kids will understand the pain is plentiful. Then I remember, it’s Sunday and while it means no school and the minions are home that DG may have left a treasure trove of in real-time adventures on my phone and also SG is going to have to update me later to make sense of what I’ve received. I speak fluent toddler, pretty good drunk but my DG is near impossible. So that’s three languages in total. SG is hating that right about now. It should be pointed out here SG actually doesn’t speak DG too well either…. But generally things fall into place when the deliveries or invoices arrive.
Today’s version of DG honestly? A bit of a let down. Of course SG is hung over. Though DG did agree to do something called ladder ball for charity today. Ladder ball is yet to be defined but being a man of DG’s word SG will participate. I’m hanging out here hoping the hound dog, hung over and miserable photographs of said event as well as the “I think I’m dying” commentary make this last adventure just that little more funny that requires adult diapers too. In fact I’m counting on it…. And the “shit that might be useful folder” is open and ready to add to.
Here’s to the DG’s in our live’s who never learn and keep us thoroughly entertained as we vicariously through them and the sane half thanks God we are not them. Well in this context. Though on a total side note AG (angry) and DTG (detox) tend to fill the other 6 days up nicely with delish tidbits….. All I can say, is we will always have Manilla.