August 22, 2014

Game Of Pawns!

Bite My Bark Rants 5 Comments

O.K. so we have established I love my haters and loathe my Smegma’s. That’s a nice little neat summary of a few blog post right there. See I can do the short and nasty and dirty version of things, even though I love the sound of my own writing. Pass the narcissistic sauce please.

I woke up this morning to a rude text, so pretty much the day started like any other really. You’re not surprised really and neither am I, most days’ start off this way. It’s when it’s not spoofed from my own number, hell of a trick that one you have to respect the dedication to the cause and hate the gutless nature that inspires a spoof text, but from a REAL number that I actually take notice. Cause dude, you just made one epic clusterfuck of a mistake. In the digital age, everything is traceable, especially when you use your real number. FFS, I really thought my haters were smarter than that, since they actually can read my blog and understand at least half of what I’m saying. I know. I give people too much credit. Lesson learned and jotted down in my “don’t ever fucken forget this shit” diary. Coincidently it’s also labeled “people who are going to pay” diary as well. You see how these things could be connected. But when I get a REAL number text, my spidey senses tingle and I’m going to hunt you down! For funisies and to watch you squirm when I confront you. Suddenly a random mean text has made this drab rainy day oh so sunshiney and given me a purpose to step my feet out of bed.

So this real life number sits on my phone and just waiting for a Google search, begging for it really. It would be a crime not too right? Actually I think sending threatening texts IS a crime…. Oh if only I had the proof. Wait just a darn minute; my OCD means nothing gets deleted. Like ever…. This has been very useful in the past and toady I’ve hit pay dirt again. I love how my wacky misfiring brain comes in all type of handy when it comes to vengeful acts. I actually cheer, cause this happens way more often than you would actually think. Thank goodness for misfiring neurons making me the hot mess I am today, and the academy.

I think if you really are that dumb to send it from a real number that there might be a god and he wants you to get caught. Because it’s god’s will, I will oblige. Up a name pops. This is a real life Smegma, in the wild and I’ve managed to bag one red-handed. Oh happy days. Of course since this Smegma is not someone I know personally, I do the only responsible thing. Plug the name into FB, who today are just FB because the cunts actually have proven useful for once. So now I have the absolute unicorn (?) of Smegma’s name and I know EXACTLY who they are and of course there is the confrontation…. Makes little to no sense. Of course. So innocent or stupid? It’s a roll of the dice really.

So Smegma I sit here pondering, because in all honesty this comes as a rather big shock to me. You see I don’t trust many people in life, five to be exact. You were/are not on that list. But you are/were way down my list of actual suspects. Like down, down, down and dirty down. So, I’m left scratching my head here. Of course the instant place to go is to blame this Smegma for their crimes. Then my gut gives an almighty yell. I have a gut that any psychic would be proud to call their own. Put it this way, give me any sum of money and a roulette table and I can double your money in under 60 minutes. Trust me dear reader, people have tested this theory time and time again. Iv’e got me some really nice shit from it. Handbags mainly, cause I’m obsessed. Thats a whole other month of posts. But my gut is yelling that there are bigger forces at play and the puppet master is once again at work puling some strings, baiting, testing and waiting. Will she fall for it? Resounding hells no. Cause dear Queen of the Unicorn Smegmas, I don’t underestimate you, not in the least. There is good crazy (me) and then there is in a padded room crazy (you), hows the view? Ha, just kidding, no windows.

Can you smell the fear? Actually I can and the BS that is being shoved up my ass? OMG Queen Unicorn  Smegma, do you REALLY think I’m that stupid?  You go on the Gonzo wall. Well not really, cause you’re actually too stupid to be a Gonzo and not special enough. So now I have to construct a Muppet wall hall of fame for you. I hope you’re happy, because I actually had important shit to do toady and now I have to watch someone build a wall.

While I sit here and ponder this Smegma’s actual participation in the trolling that I have loved so much over the past few months, I love a good troll. I do have to wonder, have I caught the unicorn or just a pawn in the entire game of chess? My gut tells me this is a pawn. My gut has those magical powers remember, it’s never wrong. But pawn or not, they have played a part, so punished and banished. Live by the sword kill by the word. So this serves to the Queen of The Unicorns out there as a warning, do NOT underestimate my crazy and my abilities to hunt you down. I feel the journey might be a long one, think all Lord Of The Rings type long, but in the end I will get you my precious. I really will. When that day comes and the whole truck load of shit, lies, trolling and totally certifiably insane you are will come raining down upon your head. I will make sure of that. You can trust me, I don’t lie and I don’t ever give up!

But overall it’s a grand day. A Smegma has been stupid and I’m on to it, like the flash and I have a legitimate reason to plot some good old dirty revenge and all before my first cup of coffee. So let’s sing a little tune “Grey skies are going to clear up, so put on a happy face”. Cause dear Smegma you will be hearing that and Taylor Swift no doubt for the rest of you’re miserable life. Operation revenge will commence when I decide I’m ready….. Feel the anticipation? The trepidation? The fear? Let’s just say it’s already begun. But what comes next? Stay tuned!