August 20, 2014

The Internet Apocalypse is Upon Us!!!!

Ok so this really IS serious! But since I have a VERY limited understanding of what all this means in real terms my intention is to bring attention to the issue. Trying to explain the in’s and out’s is beyond me and I am not downplaying the issue AT ALL. It’s HUGE. So my role is to draw attention to it, its the best I can do!

I don’t know what happened overnight, but I’ve woken up and the world is broken! Ok, world being broken might be a little vague, because there are certainly parts of the world that are really broken at the moment. But that’s a little bit heavy for today, because I’m seriously tilted over the Internet seeing to have grown a mind of its own. Now I might be being dramatic, but I have a feeling that this is the first attempt at computers taking over the world! It seems when it’s not working the world comes tumbling down and it’s HAPPENING!! Panic!
Now I’ve seen all the Transformers movies, so I’m hoping I know how this ends. But since the last one had me near wanting to take my own life, just to end the misery, I’m hoping this installment is a little better. Without Shia LaBeouf, cause that guy is one serious dick! How that Victoria’s Secret model actually managed to touch him without throwing up all over him, I will never know. Just the idea sends me running to the toilet! And let’s face it that girl is SMOKING! Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, I don’t know if I’d actually turn lesbian for you but I’d sure as shit give it the good old college try. Well with Jason Statham’s permission, cause I fear that guy could pretty much pummel me to death. Though maybe if we offer, he might just be ok watching? Hmmm. Who do I need to contact about this inquiry? I’m on that right after this.

But yes, the Internet apocalypse is upon us. I didn’t see the four horsemen so I’m assuming the Westboro church had nothing to do with it. Thought I’m not sure they actually would agree with this, they seem to want to take credit for every abomination that happens. So hell, I’ll throw in a dash of blame just for funsies and I REALLY think if online gaming crashes, like everything else seems to have, that we really will have one HUGE pissed off crowd. Though I’m not too sure how effective larping costumes will be? Do they use real swords? That seems dangerous, especially for online gamers who may have wonderful fine motor skills. But gross motor skill deficits, is how I assume they found their love for gaming. No offense my nerdy (said with love Mr BmB is a nerd) online gamers, but I think we can agree you’re likely not the most physically abled bunch there are. No shame. Ladies like fine motor skills anyways, trust me!

Anyway back to the Internet apocalypse. It’s upon us. No I’m not being dramatic. EVERYTHING is falling apart, Apple Store, internet banking, email and even FB(cunts) is being not glitchy, that confirms all my suspicions that things are very very wrong. FB(cunts) actually working properly, I think that was written somewhere as a prediction, in a religious text or in some philosophers, let’s go with Nostradamus cause he seems to be the most predictive of doom and gloom and fuck I gotta respect that! Frightening 1000’s of years of further generations with all things death and catastrophic, well that’s just they type of twisted funny that I have to respect. All those doomsday prepers, I’m taking a nice sideways glance at you. Did I mention I’m laughing hysterically? Then dying a little inside, because you got your own TV show and I don’t have one of those. Hell what I wouldn’t give to have my own Louis Theroux documentary. I’m putting that on my bucket list, right now! Well I’m starting that bucket list right now because up until this point I’ve really seen no use in having one. For two reasons. You’re going to be disappointed either way. Either you die before the list is finished and disappointed, though since you’re now dead this is short-lived. Or you finish the list and then what do you do for the rest of your life? You’ve done everything you want to do…. There is nothing left but to do but wait to die. Well the fun in that I’m sure is just all kinds of fabulous, but I’ll give it a miss. I guess the third option is you write a second bucket list. But what do you call it? The bucket list of the things I kinda wanted to do before I died? Wow, now that inspires me to go out and do shit. I once (as a kid) kinda wanted to eat a slug, so I did, it didn’t end well for the slug or me. I have a feeling a second bucket list would be right along those lines. Though if you do have a second bucket list, add the slug, it’s an experience let me tell you.

Anyhoo back to the fucken broken Internet. I can’t even shop! Amazon is down, Ebay is working but PayPal (ooh have I mentioned they are cunts too? Another post on this one) is down, banking is down. So all I can do is stare at the lovelies on the screen and will them into my possession. I know you’re thinking I could like leave the house and go into the big wide world and shop in person, but I HATE people. With a passion, so that in itself wrecks the shopping experience. “Can I help you with anything” (sales assistant) “No I’m just looking” (translated to just leave me the fuck alone) “Well let me know if you need anything” (sales assistant) “Ok” (me, translated to LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!). Seriously, I don’t need you to help me decide what I like, what I should buy and your upselling. I’m fine with shopping, in all capacities, by myself. I don’t need ANY help. Mr BmB will tell you this, it’s a god given gift. I can purchase (online of course) enough items to run/clothe/accessorize a medium-sized nation in less than 5 minutes. Even I impress myself sometimes, and being a narcissist that’s all types of impressive and awesome. Says me, cause I’m a narcissist. Want to argue about it? Just for the record I don’t online game, so take your chances with my gross motor skills. Add into that an acerbic tongue and a knack for being able to pinpoint other people’s deepest insecurities in less than 5 minutes of meeting them (another god given gift, university honed in two separate fields) and if I was you, Id just run now. Remember I’m collecting hater eyeballs? Yeah I got me a bird, well it’s a loaner, but so far things are working out well. If the Internet banking gets it shit together I might just buy him!

WHAT am I talking about? The internet apocalypse is upon us and I’m talking about shopping, obviously you can see where my priorities lay. They are totally screwed up. Should I be afraid that some advanced technology in my children’s school is going to swallow them whole? I should be, but they are so much like me (scary eh? I’m putting the money aside for their therapy now) I’m pretty sure that said technology would spit them out. They would beat the shit out of it. Well except my oldest, he would talk it into submission about Micromon (rip off Pokémon anyone?). This tact works wonderfully well on us. If I could murder a game, this would be it at the moment. Jesus Christ the kid talks about NOTHING else. Now I’m no expert on gaming, though Mr BmB is and even he is driven all kinds of batty by this……Though since all things Apple and Micromon is an Apple App all I can do is cross my fingers it’s been pulled into the black hole vortex that is the internet today. Though the bitching and whining will be excruciating. I’m trying to work out what is worse the constant game chatter/questions or the possible whining. Ahh for fuck sake, I’ve never rooted so hard for Nostradamus to actually be right. Mayan calendar, can we have a do over?

So anyways, the internet is fucked. I can’t get anything productive done (well not that this isn’t productive but I actually do have a job, I’m my own boss so I think I’m safe from being fired, well unless personality #2 comes out. Man she is a total whore with a dick) and things are going all wonky all over the place. Twitter I’m staring directly at YOU because either I managed to break my record of the number of people I can offend or have disliked me in 9 hours or things are all kind of fucked up… And it’s driving me FUCKING CRAZY!!! More than my normal resting state. That richter scale? Well I’m about to hit a high. I want it fixed NOW dammit and I mean right now. I did say I hated twitter, due to character restrictions and my verbose style of writing (ie I like the sound of my own writing and limiting it to 140 character PLUS a picture makes me itchy, enough to swallow the mystery pills the dentist gave Mr BmB…. Those things were the shit mind you. I’m not sure if dentists are supposed to give that shit out, but much respect for doing it and even more for me smuggling them across the bedside tables and Mr BmB not noticing. I swapped them for paracetamol bahahahaha!) but the total mindfuck with all the numbers is messing with me really bad. Am I pissed that I can have THAT many people dislike me in such a short time or am I proud? Arghhhh!

It’s just been confirmed that Akamai’s Content Delivery Network is experiencing “intermittent Availability Issues” (70% increase in attacks) and Apple are rolling back ALL their deployments for this morning and NOTHING there is working and lets face it that a big move for a company who loves to hang us from our ankles and shake all the $$$ out of us they can (IPhone 6 I’m your willing victim) something is VERY wrong! For non tech speakers, like me, it seems that the internet cache cloud is “broken”….. Again, still as clear as mud. But my sentiment remains, the apocalypse is happening and it needs to fucken stop.

So while the end of the world blows over, I’m hiding in my bunker with a few bottles of wine, some drugs that end in “pam” and hoping in all of this cars have learned to drive themselves, otherwise my kids better learn to drive real quick! Though I always did enjoy a good school sleep over, but that’s a whole other story and NOT MY KIDS!

During this moment of crisis, I will say what could be my final words to the Internet “May the force be with you and FB are still cunts”.

Over and out.

*if this doesn’t hit main stream media it’s a cover up , trust me. I hate conspiracy theories and all things crazy speculative. I’m not paranoid, I did the test and actually passed that one, people really are out to get me and who can blame them?…. But if there is a cover up or somehow it’s managed this is contained, remember you heard it here first! (and last)!

Russia AND Putin I’m looking at YOU!